Starring: Amanda Donohoe, Hugh Grant, Catherine Oxenberg, Peter Capaldi, Sammi Davis, Stratford Johns.
Director: Ken Russell.
Pretty sure I've owned this movie for over a decade and only watched it once. I remember nothing whatsoever about it except Hugh Grant and some weird visuals and stuff? The director of photography's name is Dick Bush. So, there's that.
I really don't even know where to really begin. Pretty sure I more or less hated this movie the one time I watched it and, despite my digging of Russell, I never did go and give it another try. So, I have really no frame of reference despite knowing it has something to do with Bram Stoker and that these people are WAY too British.
Some British people, including a young Peter Capaldi, dig up what is apparently the kingdom of Mercier and find Dinosaurs and Coins. Then they go see a live performance of "Cotton Eye Joe" in a scene that is very Russell: flashing lights, big white worm muppet thing. Pretty trippy stuff. Apparently Hugh Grants family has killed a Dragon a long time ago, and now he commemorates the occasion with ceremonial pagentry. Peter Capaldi thinks he dug up the Dragon. These people are way too British or Scottish. Can barely understand their dialogue.
This seems to be one of those weird movies that operates on some strange frequency that makes it slippery. It's like I'm looking at it, and I'm listening to it, but it's floating by me like some spectral figure passing through a wall. Of course, I'm also watching an ancient VHS copy I've owned for fifteen years (give or take) which probably isn't helping matters. Plus, I'm tired and just sat through two Ken Russell movies back to back. That will likely fry your brain.
Wait a minute, this is a comedy, isn't it...well, okay, then. The cop does some shtick, gets bit by a snake, and gets the venom sucked out by Lady Sylvia who is a very Ken Russell figure: tri-quarter hat, all white coat. High heels. I'm assuming Vanessa Redgrave wasn't available? Vanessa was amazing in The Devils. I really wish I had a copy of that, but I don't want to spend thirty dollars on a foreign copy that I may not even be able to play.
And our villain spits acid on a crucifix. Finally a genuine touch of Russell. Oh, spoke too soon: one of the leads touches the crucifix and bam we're off on one of our insane drug trip visual attacks: big white snake on Jesus, Romans raping bare-breasted nuns, all kinds of other insanity. Oddly enough, THAT I get. The rest of it I'm kind of lost. I'm certain there's some sort of subplot involving a missing person but I have no idea who or why that's important.
This geeky guy is going to die a horrible death, but at least it's at the hands of a hot chick in black leather...so, there's that? But I still feel like this guy ought to understand that something isn't right here: wait, is he supposed to be a minor? Holy shit, is he a boy scout? Did she bite off his dick? Okay, so she's a snake woman: poison bite. She's basically a Ravenloft villain. That's pretty cool. Kind of odd that nobody questions why she dresses like that while hanging around at home by herself.
Hugh Grant watches an old silent movie (that I actually wonder was made for this film or just an old movie), then had a weird dream about being on an air plane where all the Women in his life are flight attendants, the snake lady is killing people, she gets into a fight with one of the other ladies, and his pen gets longer. That actually kind of made me laugh. It's ridiculous, and that's pretty awesome.
Look, movie, I'm not super interested in watching the cast of characters hang around in a cave and eat sandwiches. However, young Eve is hypnotized by the Lady, who gives a rather fun "I'm Immortal" speech where she talks pretty big game about Christianity being fake and then decides to sacrifice Eve. Well, eventually, anyway. I'm enjoying Amanda Donohoe's campy performance, though...especially when she's licking bloody sticks or whatever in Ken Russell surreal visions.
Yikes, that was quite a bit of phallic imagery there. The other girl gets bit by-uh, was that a creature created by snake woman or snake woman herself-and has another Ken Russell drug trip where she's attacked by dudes with big spike phallus's. Then the other creature created by snake woman attacks Hugh Grant who straight up cleaves her in half...then both halves writhe on the floor...it was a pretty bad ass scene.
There's a lot of weird phallic stuff going on...I mean, snake woman is totally going to do terrible things to Eve with a big spike dildo. In addition to a bunch of bondage. Well, okay, guess not: instead this big white worm is coming to eat her instead. Oh, there you go, Capaldi. Drop snake chick down the hole. While wearing a kilt.
See, the kilt was a poor choice! He got bit and turned into a monster and now Hugh Grant is gonna die. Cute enough ending, though.
Final Thoughts: Well, that was...something. It's not as bad as I remembered it being but it was still a tough watch. Not enough here to make it work, unfortunately...awkward performances, awkward presentation. It's at its best when Russell is doing his insane stuff, but the story doesn't lend itself nearly as well as it should. I think I kind of blame the comedy elements...somehow attempting to make it tongue-in-cheek or purposefully campy mostly dragged everything down.
Final Rating: Two and a half stars.
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