Movie 101: Happy Birthday To Me

Starring: Melissa Sue Anderson, Glenn Ford, Lawrence Dane, Sharon Acker, Frances Hyland, Tracey E.Bregman.

Director: J. Lee Thompson.

It's my 34th Birthday, so might as well do something festive with the 1981(the years I was born) slasher flick Happy Birthday To Me, which has something of a cult following.  Pretty sure I did watch it at some point over the years, but I feel like all I can remember is some sort of weird trippy ending, and even that might be something I made up.  The cover is one of my favorite things, though.  So, let's get to it.

Youth is wasted on the young, which is something I now feel old enough to say.  Bernadette is told by old lady with dog that she should apply herself and get into Harvard.  I kinda wish someone had told me that-and that I had listened when they did-and done more for myself in my old High School days.  Maybe I'd be, y'know, doing something worthwhile with my life instead of...well, sitting in my darkening living room on my birthday watching old slasher films.  

Aww, hell with it, I wouldn't change a thing.

Pranks involving a person's pet is never cool.  At least George The Rat is okay.  Not the strongest start to a film: I maybe caught two of the names of this group of characters, their relationship to each other isn't entirely clear(well, besides friends...what, exactly, is the "top ten") and what we do know about them is pretty unlikable. Virginia is, apparently, the newest of the "top ten"(so they were "top nine" before?) and has never played their games before...much like everything else, the "game" is unclear.  Something about jumping a bridge or something.  A race?

Disco music and see what seems to be every single step of Virginia undressing.  I'm not saying that this is necessarily a bad thing...well, okay, it kind of is considering you have a narrative you're supposed to be doing something with.  Considering the only thing that the scene actually achieves is that one of the other "top ten"(the blonde guy?) was stalking her.  Okay, then.

So the group's sense of humor basically equates to that of a group of middle schoolers, which is strange because they're apparently in College.  Static electricity is hilarious when applied to a serious Professor!  Laughs aplenty!  Again, the scene has one basic outcome: Virginia was part of some sort of brain experiment-as further elaborated on in the following scene-and has some issues.

Every scene is a long walk to one point, and then jumps to the next.  We have a motorbike race, ending with the winner gleefully and publicly admitting he had broken into Virginia's house and stole her panties.  Then he gets killed in a very lazy scarf-related way.

So Albert is the nerdy guy who, as a result, is called creepy by the other top ten...so why do they all hang out together?  Not a lot about this movie makes an awful lot of sense.

I feel a little bit more in my comfort zone now that it's becoming a normal slasher movie.  Guy lifts weights, gets head crushed by barbell or whatever.  

Nothing quite says "first date" like going to a church.  Yes, it's pretty and has a cool bell tower...and has a nice Quasimodo reference.  I still don't know why everybody in this movie acts like a total lunatic, though.  Cut to some brain surgery and...jesus, what is it with this movie?  The surgery scene is well directed, with a lot of really unusual camera work and some gory effects work.

I've been mostly zoning in and out of this movie.  It's somehow difficult to hold onto.  I've mostly been following it and generally finding it incomprehensible.   We've gotten to a VERY Seventies dance party, though, and it's kind of something special.  Much like every other scene, though, we get very little out of it.  It's like a series of thirty-second vignettes about a group of idiots we never get to know.  If every scene ended with them drinking coffee or eating a candy bar I'd swear I was watching a bunch of commercials.

So, Virginia is the killer.  Or is she?  She's killed a couple dudes...wait, is the trippy ending I was thinking of that there are two killers who aren't on the same team?  Or split personalty or something?  I can't remember.  Seems to be possible she's killing and not remembering or not killing and just hallucinating...psychic visions of other people doing killing?  Weird.

Actually, the accident flashback(Virginia's Mother crashes their car into the river and Virginia almost doesn't make it out alive) is actually pretty well made, too.  There are some decent scenes in this film.

Hey, looks like my Birthday Party: there's nobody here.  I mean, the rest of it isn't familiar:the drunken Mother screaming at rich people and stuff, I mean.  That wasn't my experience...although maybe I should get drunk and scream at some rich people.  Might be fun.  Maybe add dig up some graves to the list, too.

Dad walks in and finds a table surrounded by corpses and doesn't run screaming into the night.  I think he may not have quite made the right call.  Nope.  Got his throat slashed.  

Wait, what?  Twins?   Oh, wait, no, just....holy shit, that's some really good mask work.  She must have gotten some sort of federal grant money or something for that bit.  Called Vincent Price's guy or whatever.  But the killer's gambit is really pretty circumstantial...must have had a pretty good idea of how deep Virginia's brain injuries went.  Seriously, how nuts is this whole plan?

Final Thoughts:Pretty big downer ending there...what a weird ass movie this is.  I don't even know if it's a bad movie or a good movie, it's just...odd.  Even it's reveal isn't super revealing.  I guess for what it is it works well enough....geez.  Happy Birthday to me.

Final rating: Two and a half stars?

Movie 100: Freddy Vs. Jason

Starring: Robert Englund, Ken Kirzinger, Monica Keena, Jason Ritter, Kelly Rowland, Chris Marquette, Katharine Isabelle, Brendan Fletcher.

Director: Ronny Yu.

I've made it to #100!  Quite the milestone for me.  Hard to believe it's been less than three months.  Anyway, gonna go ahead and use Freddy Vs.Jason as a bridge between Friday The 13th and A Nightmare On Elm Street.  Technically, it's out of order but I already did the) first Nightmare and A New Nightmare at the very start of this blog so, at this point, I don't think I really need to worry about chronology.  So, here we are.

After many years with both franchises remaining stagnant(mostly due to market fatigue and low box office outings), New Line Cinema finally decided to do a story they had been mulling over for well over a decade by combining Horror's two top boogeymen into one franchise film.  Unfortunately(or fortunately, depending on who you talk to) the film was made post-Scream and, as a result, became very self-aware and went very comedic with the property.  Ronny Yu, the man who did a lot of damage to the Child's Play series was attached, and off we went.

All things considered, this is probably as good as it was likely to get, and really it isn't nearly as bad as a lot of fans would like to believe.  Neither franchise was ever nearly as dark or overly serious as most fans seem to take it, and so the tongue-in-cheek approach is really nothing new.  Both characters are actually fairly well serviced in the end.  Hell, I'd even wager that Freddy was a bit darker and more aggressive here than he was in, at least, Freddy's Dead.  

We have at least two semi-screen queens.  Well, one is definite in Katharine Isabelle who always fills me with just the smallest amount of confidence in a project.  The other is Monica Keena, who does a pretty decent job with the admittedly thankless role of the prestine good-girl.  She gave a pretty decent performance in Night Of The Demons(2009).

Kelly Rowland has an equally thankless role in giving exposition on who our "final girl" is ("Y'know, you don't like anybody ever since your boyfriend left town!"), but not nearly as hard as Brendan Fletcher, who has to carry both male lead Will's backstory but also shoulders all of the Freddy history, too.  Lot of exposition in this film.  Rowland isn't the actor Fletcher is, but they do mostly handle their respective roles well enough.

Freddy Vs. Jason is ninety-percent fan service and, honestly, expecting anything else would have been a huge mistake.  I, for one, really enjoy Freddy Vs. Jason for it's silly fan-service and am kinda looking forward to doing it here.  I'm tired, a little grouchy and a tad tipsy from a few beers, but I feel like this might cap off my extremely trying one-night run through of Friday The 13th on a positive note.

True to Friday The 13th mythology, we have two things right off the bat: A boob shot(appearing in Jason's apparent dream sequence, but it still counts) at the lake before skinny dipping, and a really huge asshole in Gibb's Boyfriend Trey.  Trey gets one of the absolute best deaths in the film, as Jason folds him in half on a bed.  It's the type of over-the-top death scene Jason's franchise was known for, and I remember laughing my head off when I first saw it, and putting a fist in the air in joy.

I do wish Deputy Stubbs was a bigger character.  Lochlyn Monroe is capable of way more than I think cinema has offered him at this point.  Regardless, one of my favorite things in the film is the initial nightmare: as soon as Lori remembers the name Freddy she's in the dream immediately, which is played up for as much weird, dark Freddy stuff as it possibly can: freaky little girls with no eyes and girls jump roping.  It's a nicely done sequence, and dovetails nicely into Blake (poor, stupid Blake) talking trash about how he's going to kill whoever killed Trey and running afoul of Freddy(once again evoking some imagery from the original with shaking bushes, goats and Englund playing with the sillouette) before get hacked up by Jason.  

First sighting of LOST star Evangeline Lily.  She appears as an extra in a few of the high school background shots.  First sighting: nearly run over by a kid on a skateboard.

Oh, right, we have not-Jay from Jay and Silent Bob and not-jack black as characters in this film.  That's okay, they ain't so bad.

Second Evangeline Lily sighting, next to Brendan as he starts shouting exposition.  She looks scared.

We also have a couple cameos of former New Line Cinemas President Robert Shaye.  No Sean S. Cunningham, though.  No love for the Jason creator, I guess.

Chris Marquette plays a good nerd, especially one with spine.  A little bit of liquid courage and he's there to tell off Kelly Rowland and she starts to like him.  That gets shoved to the side, though, because we finally have a Freddy kill to get to.  Katharine Isabelle, who is just wonderful, gets too drunk and passes out (much to the delight of the creepy, irritating, living glow stick that is super raver...luckily, Jason takes care of him before he can do terrible things to my lovely Isabelle..except she dies, too), and finds herself in a very lively Freddy nightmare, once again very evocative of the original film(nice use of the razors on the pipes).  It's bathed in this neon red glow, meant to symbolize fire, and has some really nice, sparse set design.

Not-Jack Black has some fun moments-though I do question how these guys have the balls to talk trash to a massive man wearing a hockey mask-mocking Jason...and his almost casual "son of a bitch" when Jason snaps his companions neck is genuinely funny.  My only problem is that you can see the guy has fake blood in his cheeks as he's running, which he spits out when he's stabbed.  Kinda awkward film making, but it's followed up by Jason hacking his way through ravers which I'm totally okay with.

The story of the film, particularly the characterization, isn't so hot.  I mean, we did need some sort of hook for Lori to make things personal but...I dunno, killing Nancy Thompson's friends seemed to be good enough for the original.  Not sure why it would need to be anything deeper here.  In the end, the characters are mostly here because there needed to be something.  We know the whole point is for Freddy and Jason to fight, but...at the same time, any real fan knew the real answer to "who would win in a fight between Jason and Freddy" is "the teens they're trying to kill."  So, we needed teens.  We got some great actors playing mediocre characters with some subpar scripting, but things still work more often than they don't.  

It's a shame they get rid of Mark so soon.  He's one of the most interesting non-villain characters.  It isn't that it doesn't make sense, though: Mark used his exposition card, and so it was time to go.  Having him around would have given the kids an edge they shouldn't have.  Deputy Stubbs is here to give some Jason exposition...and then he'll get killed, too.

I feel like Jason Ritter gives the most honest performance when he's evil-will from Lori's dream. He's very awkward the rest of the film.  I don't want to talk shit about the kid but...he just doesn't give the best performance.  Freddy makes a really ugly rape joke, too.  There's some of that darkness that fans said they wanted(there really is a treatise coming on that score later, I promise).  

"Anything is possible now!  God, you just don't get it!" I know you're meant to be a shameless rip-off of Jay from Jay and Silent Bob but...you're okay, Freebird.  Your drug-induced dream with the Caterpillar isn't so great...feels a lot like the horrible joke stuff in Freddy's Dead really...and nothing, not even Freddy's Dead should be like Freddy's Dead.

Poor Stubbs.  You outlived your usefulness in the script.  Jason also gets all of the kills in this film.  Freddy gets maybe one and a half, if you consider Freebird a Freddy kill.  But, none of that really matters once we get to the madcap insanity of the two icons brawling.  It's...really something else, and so much bloody, insane fun that I really feel like anybody who complains about it really is missing the point.  There's something amazing about Freddy attempting to destroy Jason with all of his dream powers and Jason just simply being unable to die...especially with Englund giving us his hammy, over-the-top best.  There is nothing quite like hearing Robert Englund do his traditional Freddy laugh.  Plus, calling a young Jason "You ugly little shit" is...well, it's just good Freddy.

There is something to the idea of Jason being something of an overgrown child, and Freddy being a child killer.  It's a simple thing, of course, and not exactly the stuff of poetry and legend, but at least they found a reasonable common ground to place their opposition.  The point of Jason being in something of an arrested development is something that is very intelligent, and probably should have been discussed in an earlier installment.  It really should have been.  It's that smart.  It may have been difficult to do without Freddy...the closest they got was Ginny's psychoanalysis way back in Part Two about Jason being a lost child who grew up confused and violent.

They really play up Freddy as sex offender in this film which is...well, it's part of who he is.  It's another fairly intelligent element to the character that wasn't specifically brought up much in his actual franchise.  It's there, but not explicitly portrayed.  But it works.

My absolute favorite part of the film is the look of pure, unadulterated fear that Englund makes cross over Freddy's face when, brought out of the dream by Lori, he sees Jason for the first time.  Englund is such a lovable ham, and brings every ounce of it to his subsequent beat down at the hands of Jason.  It's such an extraordinary performance.  

Kia's speech is the absolute low point of the film.  Her use of the homosexual slur is really cringeworthy and, according to the excellent Never Sleep Again:The Elm Street Legacy documentary, not in the original script.  Even Ronny Yu says he was surprised it was left in.  It was originally meant to be a nod to Nancy's speech about "taking the power back" in the original Nightmare.  Instead we got a homophobic comment.  Meh.

The "real world" fight between Freddy and Jason is my favorite.  Englund gets to do some fun physical comedy(which he does anytime he comes out of the dream world), plus some interesting physical combat that we don't usually see out of Freddy.  They bring a lot of fun "speed vs.strength" mentality to the combat...and then it degenerates into them just hacking into each other and spraying blood everywhere.  It's great.  They even have the villanous moment(complete with musical cues) of Freddy gaining Jason's knife and hacking away.  It's so delightfully crazy...and then Freddy stabs out his eyes...and Monica Keena runs towards them with two torches with her...well, it's clearly intentional what the point of the shot of her running is.  It fits, though...along with the almost love-story musical swells while Freddy and Jason are literally tearing each other limb from limb.  For all it's absurdity, there's a real genuine affection for the source material. 

Final Thoughts:  Both series are known primarily for excess and insanity, and Freddy Vs.Jason brings both in a big way.  The titular characters are well untilized and formed, even if fans might complain that Freddy still isn't "dark" enough(despite his highly pronounced sexual deviancy), with Jason getting more of the characterization(even getting a bit of heroism attached to him in the end, which does work out well enough under the circumstances-compared to Freddy, Jason is a pretty nice guy).  The actors involved as the teen foils give a mixed bag of performances, ranging from good(Brendan Fletcher, Monica Keena, Katharine Isabelle) to not-so-good(Kelly Rowland, Jason Ritter), and the whole thing is paced really well and gives as much insanity and fan service as it can muster.  It may have benefited from being played a little more straight but, considering it was a miracle that it was even made let alone watchable, it's a pretty solid love-letter to the respective franchises.

Final Rating: Three Stars.

Movie 99: Friday The 13th(2009)

Starring: Jared Padalecki, Danielle Panabaker, Amanda Righetti, Travis Van Winkle, Aaron Yoo, Julianna Guill.

Director: Marcus Nispel.

So, okay, I'm in the home stretch.  Soon I can be done with all of this Friday The 13th garbage and hopefully never, ever look back.  It's been a long, long...long road.  I know this film is really not going to make me feel even the least bit better about any of it, given that nothing about this remake worked for me in the past and I doubt time has changed much.

I'm a fan of Padalecki(from Supernatural) and Panabaker(holy crap, I had no idea that The Flash star Danielle Panabaker was in this film) but I...I'm just going to try and suffer through this.  Hang in there with me, we'll get through this somehow.  

Oh, right, I remember now: this movie is WAY overstuffed.  We get the credit sequence shoe-horning in the first movie's plot (Mrs.Voorhees has performed a bunch of murders and gets her head chopped off), including the dumb "Jason watched his Mother die" thing...I never understood that stuff.  How did they not notice Jason was not dead in the first place?  He just wandered in the woods by himself as a frightened handicapped kid?  I just don't get it.  But, anyway, we see it.  Then, present day, an entire cast of characters is introduced.  They're wandering in the woods looking for Weed(showing it's age) so they can sell it.  Then they're all killed really quickly and then we go to yet another movie.  I'm glad the weed kids die, though: even as homages to the original series they're flat, obnoxious characters filled with cliches.  

How I feel right now.

Okay, so the machete through the floor bit is actually kinda cool.  Oh, that's right, in an effort to basically make this twenty minute prelude(!) fit in their rushed franchise revision, Jason has the bag over his head here, too.  Remember what I said WAAAYYY back in Part Two: Never forget the potato sack.  I don't mind Jason having a little bit of speed to him, though: gives him a pretty solid amount of ferociousness. Won't save the film, though.

I will say, though, that the douchebag they have as the alpha male of the group of interchangeable kids is VERY well cast.  It takes two minutes for me to want to take a swing at him, and by throwing him at Padalecki(a man with a considerable amount of charisma) we instantly gravitate to his side. But the douche, and the Sheriff(played by veteran actor Richard Burgi), make up the textbook case of Friday The 13th shitheel that they do oh so well.

I have to admit I laughed at the bong exchange.  Chewie(apparently the names here are worse than Jason X) pulls out the super-bong, and Lawrence(who is currently my favorite character since he pulls a tongue-in-cheek race card all the time: "Why you gotta go racial?  Because I'm black I can't listen to the Green Day?"  "You're right, I'm sorry.  What are you listening to?" "Rap.") says "Lucy, is that you?"  Chewie responds by saying "You've been cheating on me."
"No, baby, no..."
"I saw you.  With a bowl."
"No..."
"With a bowl, Lawrence."

Danielle Panabaker does a great job at being the nice girl.  Much as she is on The Flash.  It boggles the mind on why she's with Douche, but that's of course the point...not sure why the movie follows Padalecki talking to all of the neighbors.  But it is funny to see the douche say "You might wanna get out of here before I get pissed" to Jared "I'm eight feet tall and made of iron" Padalecki.  Padalecki plays it with a level of self-awareness, though(he really is a good actor), with his slight smiles and non-aggressive posture(he doesn't need to DO intimidating, he brings that to the party naturally).  The script seems pretty tailored to Padalecki, which makes sense since it likely is meant to be a vehicle for the CW star(who made the remake of House Of Wax not too long beforehand).  It's cool except it leaves a fan wondering: why hasn't Sam Winchester just dealt with this by now?

I don't think we needed a redneck talking to his sex doll.  At least it's quick and Jason kills him and finds a hockey mask.  Hooray.  Glad we spent some time establishing the mask for some reason.  Also glad we have a para-sailing scene featuring two characters who basically have no names or identities.  Some things will just never change.  Grass will always be green, sky will always be blue, and Friday The 13th will always feature a bunch of nameless "characters" being killed randomly.

This version of Jason isn't...entirely hateable.  There's an intelligence there that kind of works.  It seems a little un-jason but I think that has more to do with the idea that Jason is a supernatural entity in the series...which he wasn't at the start.  As remakes go, this is hardly the worst sin it could have committed.  I'm totally fine with him having electricity and the like...though how he learned to do such things being a grown-up feral child person, I guess we'll never know.  He somehow knew how to properly create underground tunnels and such...guess he missed a calling as a natural architect.

Marcus Nispel gets his most creative and artsy about photographing a lady's body.  Shocking.  Suddenly one can see Michael Bay's contribution to the flick.  Then there's a masterbation joke.  Ho Ho Ho Shit.  "Your tits are so juicy.  You have perfect nipple placement."  Romantic.  This whole sex scene is the opposite of erotic, really.  That might be the point, except that...well, Nispel is clearly super into showing the actresses entire body as much as he possibly can.  

Lawrence once again proves to be my favorite character in the film.  Lights are cut, he knows a killer is on the loose, and still he goes to try and find his best friend.  Lawrence, you are a great guy.  Horror movies need more guys like you.  I'm actually going to care when Jason gets you because you were established and developed as a character!  Imagine that.

You're a Hero, sir.

Jason does get Lawrence with a pretty rad axe throw.  Padalecki doesn't want to go rescue my boy Lawrence...boo, Sam.  But, well, Sam Winchester would day the same thing and make the same sad look Clay gives.  Padalecki is named Clay in this movie, by the way.  I just wanna keep calling him Sam.  I probably will.

Well, we're now down to our leads.  Sam Winchester, Kaitlyn Snow and Sam's sister-who-isn't-Dean.  And that last one is still MIA.  Well, okay, Sam just found her.  Good for him!  Character motivation and arc complete.  Oh, snap, surprise death for Panabaker!  I forgot about that.  That's...actually not bad, movie.  

The line of "Say Hi to Mommy" isn't so bad...but then she had to add "In Hell" and it all just kinda fell apart.

Douchebag's Dad is gonna be pissed about what happened to his house.

Sequel hook is...well, sequel hook.  Meh.  I could live without any more Friday The 13th.  Even if you told me Padalecki would be in it...but I'd probably see it if Padalecki was in it.

Final Thoughts: Well, as remakes go, this isn't so horrible.  Padalecki and Panabaker do well with their roles, as do some of the other cast (the ones who have more to do than just stand around, have sex or go water-skiing), the depiction of Jason is reasonably well done.  I think more of the blame for the weaknesses falls on Platinum Dunes, who can't help but get in their own way with these gritty reboots.  Honestly, if there was one actual character trait for the series it was that it never took itself too seriously and yet somehow this remake was so very into being a straight slasher flick...the trouble is, we've done that before.  There must have been a way to find a balance, but Platinum Dunes so frequently seems to mis-read it's audience.  I am familiar with the writers of the film(they did Freddy Vs. Jason which is up next, by the way), and they certainly have it in their heads that fan want dark and gritty(which I have a whole big treatise on when I do the remake of Nightmare) but can't seem to make it work.  Oh, well.  There's ups and downs, and this remake doesn't quite fall as far as some of the franchise entries did.

Final Rating: Two and a Half Stars.

Movie 98: Jason X

Starring: Kane Hodder, Lexa Doig, Lisa Ryder, Chuck Campbell, Jonathan Potts, Peter Mansah, Melyssa Ade.
Director: Jim Issac.

A lot of people give Jason X a lot of flak because of it's premise-Jason ends up in the far future on a space ship which, admittedly, IS silly and pretty far out there-but there's just something about it that really works for me.  Maybe it's the comedic tone, the willingness to make fun of itself, the craziness of it...it's not like it was an accident that it happened. The premise was specifically chosen FOR it's craziness, and that makes it kinda special.

David Cronenberg makes a wonderful cameo, gleefully getting himself splatter-killed.  If memory serves, the director commentary says it was all Cronenberg, too: no stunt double or anything.  That makes it so much cooler, somehow.

Once again, the movie wastes no time getting right down to it: Jason escapes (again), chops a bunch of dudes up, Lexa Doig leads him into a trap and they're both frozen.  Then, the future, where kids are still idiots who do dumb shit, except that have androids and nanobots who make being stupid far less fatal.  The only thing we're sure of is that the future only likes partial shirts.  Everybody, especially the Women, seem to have odd sports of exposed skin in their costumes.  What little shirt there is seems to be entirely woven out of carpet.  The future is weird.

There are some fun characters and performances, though: Lisa Ryder as android Kay-em seems to have a lot of fun with her performance(especially as she, with a complete straight face and total conviction, bares her breasts and tells her maker that she wants breasts because Janessa has them) and Melyssa Ade as Janessa is an entertaining subversion of mean girl types.  I enjoy both performances quite a bit, especially when Janessa uses a bottle of champagne and a nipple clamp to earn a passing grade in her Professor's class(the Prof is, like any authority figure in Friday The 13th, a complete jerk with no regard for anyone but himself), in a moment of rare Female sexual agency.  Janessa uses the Prof, not the other way around, and while it is a sexual act, it is not one of actual intercourse.  Just something to think about.  Janessa also takes ribbing in a way that is very charming.  Her smirk when Tsunaron(who has the worst name ever) informs her that he "could never date a girl with bigger balls than him" is very charming.

Lexa Doig is another interesting performer.  She doesn't get to have much fun, unfortunately, and she has a thankless expositional role but I feel like she does a decent job with it.  She has charisma and makes for a rootable leading lady, even if the scene is often stolen from her by more exciting characters like Kay-Em or Janessa.  The rest of the cast is very ho-hum, and usually act like idiots.  Well, okay, there's Peter Mensah as Brodski, who is a lot of fun as the no-nonsense military guy.  "I promise the Professor we'd take him alive," Brodski says to his disappointed men(and Women), "so after we kill him put one in his leg so we can say we tried."  Brodski has a couple memorable lines, if memory serves.

The film is as simple as they come-especially considering what series it's a part of-but the gimmick rides fast and loose.  Watching the script play with the future setting (Jason's first kill involves freezing a Woman's face with liquid nitrogen and smashing her into a counter-top) is fun.  As Jason wanders into a virtual reality simulator, it's hard not to just laugh and say "Geez, what IS it I'm watching?"  I don't know why people hate it so: it's a fun departure and, like Jason Goes To Hell, is needed to keep the franchise maintaining any freshness whatsoever.

My favorite thing about any of this is that characters provide their own death one-liners.  How awesome is that?  "It's gonna take more than a poke in the ribs to kill this old dog," Brodski growls and, after he is stabbed again, he adds "Yep, that'll do it."  Genius.  Brodski returns-which is awesome-but it's still a fun death scene.  The entire tongue-in-cheek nature of the film, and all the fun it has with itself, really is the name of the game.

Kay-Em has super-assassin android is...dumb.  But it's brief.  There's no denying that, as fun as this movie has, it goes off the rails and jumps the shark.  Again, though: Lisa Ryder's performance is excellent.  The unnatural way that she smiles and blinks...it's really a strong performance.  Usually, when generally saying that I like Jason X I tend to forget that Uber-Jason exists.  I'm less keen on that part.  I like a good heroic sacrifice, though, and that one kid(Waylander, I think?  Man the names in this movie kinda suck)gets a big one.  Janessa's death is also one of my favorites in this series.  I wish she had survived-I think she had kinda earned it-but it's still great.  "THIS SUCKS ON SO MANY LEVELS!"  As she gets sucked through a hull breach.  Oh, man, is that great.  It's no sleeping bag kill(though they give that a shout-out here), but it's pretty great.

The diversion VR sequence is definitely fun.  He still looks ridiculous, but still:  "Wanna beer?  Wanna smoke some pot?  We love pre-marital sex!"  Then we cut back to him beating one girl with the other(both in sleeping bags) and then he homages his sleeping bag kill by slamming her into a tree.  I think it's genuinely pretty funny.  Even if the third act of this film almost entirely comes apart, it has enough fun jokes in it, and a big hero moment for Brodski in the end, too.

There's something to the idea that all of these characters seem to genuinely care about each other, too.  It's just a nice touch that deviates away from the rest of the series.  Just a note, really.

Final Thoughts: It's stupid, it's fun, it has some nice performances and a lot of heart, but not a lot of brains.  But, honestly, that former part really puts it above a lot of other entries in the franchise.  So, good on you, Jason X.

Final Rating: Three Stars.  Yeah, I said it.

Movie 97: Jason Goes To Hell

Starring: John D.Lemay, Kari Keegan, Kane Hodder, Steven Williams, Steven Culp, Erin Gray, Rusty Schwimmer, Allison Smith.

Director: Adam Marcus.

New Line Cinema purchases the rights to the Friday The 13th franchise and, inspired by their decision to get rid of Freddy Krueger(temporarily, anyway), decided that it was time to put Jason to bed.  The resulting film was Jason Goes To Hell which, for all its own foolishness, was at least a clever attempt to do something different with a franchise that basically came into the world stagnant. 

If running this series for the blog has done anything, it's made me hate this franchise.  I mean it.  I'm even having difficulty liking it for it's own ridiculous values and simple metaphoric undertones.  I use to be a pretty big defender of the series but I get it now: this franchise is simply terrible.  As such, I applaud Jason Goes To Hell for at least giving it the old college try...and in some ways it even succeeds.  

For example: The opening sequence is a nice, clever subversion.  A random Woman takes up in a cabin, gets naked, and Jason attacks.  She flees and leads him...right into an ambush put on by the FBI.  Jason is blown to absolute smithereens.  It's definitely unusual, but that's what makes this entire film watchable: the liberties it takes with the material.  While the idea that Jason is some sort of parasitic entity that possesses bodies is a silly one, it isn't any sillier than anything else we've seen in the series.  It's just different so, obviously, fans hate it and I...hate it less.

Harry Manfredini scored every single one of the Friday The 13th films.  They're probably the best part of the entire series.  I'm going to go like him on facebook, like, right now.  He doesn't have an official one, it seems, which is a bummer because he's super talented.  But I liked what was there.

I figure it was worth a shot for the coroner to eat Jason's heart.  Jason did have incredible strength worth attempting to obtain.  I know the coroner was under some sort of magic spell or whatever, I just like the idea that he was going all "I will eat his heart and gain his strength" instead.  The actor does a pretty great job of just GOING FOR IT, too.  It's a disgusting effect and the actor shows real gusto.

Y'know, when someone says Jason Voorhees to me, I also think of a little girl in a pink dress who is sticking a hot dog through a donut.  Then again, MOST things make me think of that for some reason.  I think Creighton Duke is working kinda cheap, though: $500,000 to catch and kill America's greatest serial killer?  Is that all?  

I rather like Creighton Duke.  Steven Williams has real gravitas, and offers a pretty fun performance.  He's not the only one "in on the joke"-John D. Lemay as nerdy hero Steven certainly is fully aware that he's supposed to be doing hammy comedy while not veering too far away from a serious performance-but he certainly does the most with it.  The character certainly knows his way around trash talk.  "She's only your girl 'cause she ain't had a taste of The Duke yet" he says.  To the Sheriff.

Steven Williams is easily the best thing about the whole film.  Lemay plays off of him pretty well, though: the exposition scene in the jail cell, where Duke breaks Steven's fingers as "the price of information" is actually really well done.  The two actors clearly relish the opportunity to go big with their performance.  It's a really crucial scene for Steven, too: he gains the respect of both the audience AND Duke with his willingness to suffer for his Baby Mama.  It might actually be one of the best exposition scenes I've ever seen, really: I've talked a few times about how tough exposition is to keep fresh and interesting.  It's dumping a lot of information on the audience, and that often feels a lot like a boring high school class.  But in some cases-and this case definitely counts-it can be very entertaining.  Duke gives a lot of mythology expansion in a method that is actually easy to swallow and fun to watch.

There are enough quiet character moments to radically distinguish this from previous franchise entries.  Steven's interactions with his infant daughter and subsequent interaction with the dull cook from the diner are both simple but effective little moments that help advance a feeling that we're dealing with actual people instead of lumps of basic traits.  She's super irritating, but diner owner Joey actually has a natural ease in playing her stereotypes that it's forgivable that she's mostly, y'know, stereotypes.

Bob Jackass, host of Hard Copy or whatever, is particularly evil.  "I stole her body, hid it in the closet, and then I went home and fucked her Daughter!"  I don't think any other franchise does absolute scum quite like Friday The 13th.  I mean, Scum with a capital S.  There are horror movie VILLAINS who aren't quite as awful as some characters in this franchise.

There are some fun gags in this film, and I bet the effects staff had an absolute ball with a lot of it.  The sheriff's whole melting scene is the epitome of egregious but it's so fun looking that it's forgivable.  I'm beginning to sense a theme:

Jason Goes To Hell: it's forgivable.

I have no idea why the diner is basically Waco, but somehow there are a LOT of guns.  Poor sweet Vicki: I wish you had survived.  You had no characterization besides "sweet" (in fact, the weird rednecks had more personality and they're annoying weirdos...but still somehow kinda lovable and it kinda sucks when they get killed) but your act of defiance in death really worked well.  I love a good "last hurrah" and the diner people surely got that.

Magic knives and the world's greatest bounty hunter getting taken down by a pit trap.  Also, weird worm creature.  Not a great third act.  At least we get Jason back for a mostly awkward fist fight with Steven.  Oh, well.

Then, of course, the Freddy glove grabs Jason's mask, teasing fans for a movie that won't come for another decade or so.

Final Thoughts: Much as I said in the beginning, this movie at least has the guts to try something different with a worn out franchise.  It doesn't all work-far from it-but there's enough fun to make it stand out and be actually entertaining.  It's spirited and committed, which is more than I can say for most of it.

Final Rating: Three Stars.

Movie 96: Friday The 13th Part VIII:Jason Takes Manhattan

Starring: Jensen Daggett, Scott Reeves, Barbara Bingham, Kane Hodder, Peter Mark Richman, Martin Cummins.

Director: Rob Hedden.

Hooo boy.  This is hilarious.  Right from the word "Go" we have a very ridiculous charicature of New York City, complete with alley way muggings, miserable shock jocks droning about the rush of danger, "metal" teens, dingy subways and toxic waste.  Also rats.  Now I may not have spent a lot of time in New York, but I've visited a couple times and it didn't look much like that.  But, anyway, Jason comes back and kills a couple of people on a boat.  

Somehow a ferry ride from Crystal Lake leads to Manhattan.  Okay.  I mean, I guess we need to buy an undead serial killer, we can buy the boat headed to Manhattan.  The ferry is also apparently Captained by a naval commander or something.  Oh, and the ship is called Lazarus.  Wow.  Okay.

These kids are VERY 1989.  Tacky vests, baggy beige pants, big hair.  But the main character is currently under the guardianship of Uncle Dickhead, who is also apparently the uber-straight-laced Principle or whatever.  She might be afraid of water?  Yes.  Hydrophobia.  She might also be psychic. Not cool psychic like Tina but...having visions kind of psychic.  The mostly useless kind.  Toby the dog wants nothing to do with it.  

The most interesting kid gets killed first.  J.J. is a rocker chick and would have made for a much more interesting lead than Sarah Plain and Tall over here with her Mom Jeans and tacky blouses.  J.J. goes down to the engines to rock out of her guitar and Jason smashes it over her head and she's done for.  I will say that the movie doesn't mess around with silly things like exposition: Jason's back and starts doing his murder thing immediately.

The mean girl and her not-so-mean sidekick watch Julius, the star athlete, smack a guy around during a friendly sparring, get hot and bothered, and decide to do some coke.  As you do.  Principal Suck informs her that she better have her Biology project or she won't get to go to New York...so how did she get on the graduation trip if she has yet to make the graduation requirements?  Jason Takes Manhattan?  More like Jason Needs To Take Writing Lessons.  

Mean girl's "biology" project is actually pretty clever, up until the blackmail attempt: she draws organs all over her body in the correct places...I actually think that would be a pretty clever actual bio project.  I'm not sure why she bothered, though: I mean, that much effort she might as well have just done the project.  It's practically learning, for shit's sake.  And not sleeping with the nerdy kid is kinda shitty, mean girl.  You dragged him into your highly illegal blackmail scheme, it seems like throwing him a bone seems like the least you could do...or pay him.  Or give him cocaine.  It doesn't really matter much(not that it ever did, in fact it's kind of all wasted motions and making a half-assed attempt to develop characters you don't need to) since she's literally killed in the next scene.  After all of that effort, she's just taken out.  

Does the Captain's death really require slow motion?  

When Julius informs Professor Assface that "School's. Out."  I couldn't help but add "FOR. SUMMER! DOOODOOODOOO. SCHOOL'S. OUT. FOR. EVER!"  Seriously.  Try not to add that if anyone says "school's out."  It's impossible.

Out of the "gimmick" installments of this franchise, Part 8 really is the least interesting.  That isn't to say there isn't some hilarity to be had: Jason does somehow climb a massive ladder in seconds to throw a kid off.  So there's that.  And Professor Dickhead is one of the most grating and genuinely unlikable characters in the entire franchise-the smartest thing this film does is keep him around a good long while, too-and there is the unintentionally hilarious deformed jason-as-a-child ghost.  They don't even use the same one every time.  Each time we see him, there's a different one.  It's hilarious.

I really didn't need Julius to start singing parts of "New York, New York" when they see the city.  Really didn't.  But, at least we're here and we can get the climax out of the way and...oh, shit, three minutes in New York and they get mugged...and the muggers KIDNAP RENNIE AND INJECT HER WITH HEROINE.  Because sex with her will be better if she's stoned...?  One of the muggers fires bullets into Jason, becomes confused when they don't seem to hurt him...and so he steps closer.  Apparently he misunderstood the entire purpose of a gun.

I do enjoy the Julius/Jason boxing fight.  I mean, it's stupid: Julius is a star athlete and boxing prodigy, yet he keeps throwing punches at a mask.  It's kind of a cool use of "rope-a-dope" though: Jason just lets him tire himself out before casually punching the guys head off.  It's a dumb scene, but I always have a soft spot for regular joes fighting unstoppable opponents with nothing but their own guts.  

Because we needed a flash black, the filmmakers decided to toss us the backstory of why Rennie is hydrophobic.  Spoiler: it was Uncle Asshole's fault.  Rennie finally remembers when Uncle Creepy tossed her into the lake-the key to remembering was apparently the heroine she's having no issue coming down from-gets mad and storms off.  Jason then kills The Jackass Educator with, I shit you not, barrels of toxic waste that are just laying around the streets of Manhattan.

The "street gang"that decide to fight Jason when he kicks their boombox...well, they don't look particularly menacing.  They look like they're six years old.  I feel like I could take them and I'm not Jason.

Yes, at midnight, the sewers of New York flood with Toxic Waste.  And the sewers tunnels are massive hallways.  Did nobody working on this film ever, y'know, even READ about New York City?  Jason screams in pain when hit by toxic waste...I'd scream, too, if I had that terrible make-up on my face, too.  Yikes.

I feel like there's a real disconnect on the ending of this film by the fans.  The toxic waste does not "mutate Jason into a child" or whatever the hell people keep saying.  Rennie SEES him as the child he once was, just as she has all movie with her psychic stuff, once he's put down.  Or maybe he was mutated.  It'd make more sense if he wasn't, but...with this movie, I'd say any idiocy is possible.

Final Thoughts: Toxic Waste and Heroine-sharing Muggers.  Only in the idiotic fever dream of a writer's version of New York!  At least the Dog survived, with his spiffy little bandana intact.  The gimmick of Jason-on-a-boat/Jason-in-the-city are well intentioned enough, even if they aren't super interesting or well handled but...it's a thing, and at least they tried to do something to keep the franchise afloat. 

Final Rating: Two stars, I guess?  It's hard to rate Friday The 13th films since they just completely defy any sort of logical analysis.

Movie 95: Friday The 13th Part VII:The New Blood

Starring: Lar Park-Lincoln, Kane Hodder, Kevin Blair, Susan Blu, Terry Kiser, Susan Jennifer Sullivan.

Director: John Carl Buechler.

If nothing else, this film does mark the welcome addition of Kane Hodder as the new regular actor assigned to perform as Jason Voorhees.  There probably isn't anything else.  Well, I suppose that isn't entirely true: there is the gimmick.  Said gimmick basically boils down to "Jason Vs. Carrie" which does have a certain amount of entertainment value.  It's not that the franchise ever really took itself seriously(maybe the first one), but any pretense of seriousness is thrown out the window here with this premise.  The opening montage is one of my favorite things ever: gravelly voiced man growls about how Jason is unstoppable over some choice shots from previous franchise entries.  

The montage also shows us that Tommy Jarvis left Jason at the bottom of Crystal Lake before launching us into a flashback where young Tina accidentally kills her Dad with telekinetic fury.  Actually, the visual effect of the bridge rocking is much better than I remember it being: looks pretty good.  It's easy to forget how talented a lot of people working on these films are when they become these big (mostly fun) gimmicky messes.

The music choice for Tina's telekinetic powers is actually pretty cool.  It's spooky and otherworldly and a nice musical que to make sure the audience knows what they're looking at.

Tina, now a Teen, is under the care of Psychiatrist Dr."I'm so evil it's ridiculous" Cruz.  He's clearly only interested in exploiting her psychic abilities, but only Tina herself seems to notice...which is absurd, considering all he does is threaten her with a return to the hospital.  Anyway, Cruz's treatment is so wonderfully helpful that Tina attempts to use her powers to...bring her Dad back?  Anyway, it results with releasing Jason instead.  The key part of the scene, though: the deck they built to replace the one Tina wrecked?  Looks SO much nicer.

At least Tina has some personality, which is something of a rarity in this series.  The rest of the interchangable teens(the unbelievably common thing in the series) are hanging out next door for a surprise party for some dude named Michael, who is quickly killed off with his Girlfriend before they can arrive.  Nick, the denim clad male model of the group, takes a liking to Tina and invites her over.

The kids are pretty ridiculous, especially super-hot mean girl Melissa who is NOT screwing around with her blue silk pant-suits...it's the tackiest thing ever. 

...holy shit.

As a sometime aspiring writer, I'm deeply offended by the character of Eddie. No, I'm not, because that'd be stupid, but the character IS ridiculous.  Eddie is a starry eyed dreamer, coming up with terrible science fiction ideas (as we fiction writers are wont to do), involving a universe of "highly evolved protozoa."  Which it basically already is.  But, before we get subjected to too much of this fascinating ensemble, we cut to a pair of campers biting it, and the best death scene of the series.  You know the one.  Sleeping. Bag. Kill.  Jason just picks up that sleeping bag, girl inside, and slams it head first against a tree.  It was fantastic.

Nick and Tina bond over his making light of her mental illness, as so frequently happens in life.  Melissa, like a sane person, is stalking them in the woods.  

"All's fair in love and war." Melissa says, chewing every single bit of scenery.

"Melissa,I don't even like you." Nick says.  It's probably my favorite thing in the whole movie.  Melissa is unphased and decides to screw the crappy writer because it'll...make the guy who can't stand her jealous?  Melissa might be one of the dumbest horror movie characters ever.

Each of these kids has some sort of half-assed subplot, but none of them are even remotely fleshed, out.  One girl is mad at her boyfriend but we have no idea why.  Two other girls both want the pot smoking guy(he has no other personality traits), but one of them is too nerdy or whatever.  She is told she "needs a little touch up work" so she gives herself a makeover and says "touch up work my ass."  Well, honey...you gave yourself a touch up.  Literally.  I mean...seriously.  She then goes outside-where pot guy has not been all movie-looking for the guy.  The most logical place for him to be is the woods?  This character deserves to die.

Tina's Mom has some pretty intense hair.

Tina starts to telekinesis all over the place.  Nick sees this and says "God, that's you" in the same tone he might use if he were accusing her of farting.  Oh, Nick, I wish you were in some sequels.  

I will say the "Personal Penis Enlarger"(which is just a magnifying glass) gag gift is pretty funny.  I gave that to a guy for his birthday once many years ago in high school.  It went over well.  I feel like Eddie survived far too long....or not long enough.  I would have bought him being an unlikely survivor, but the Friday The 13th series never really did those.  

Every single installment of this series seems to have one death scene that they attempt to build suspense for, and it's always for the most unlikely character.  In this one it's the red head, whose only contribution to the film was having sex with the stoner.  She has the least personality of any of the kids, and yet she gets a whole five minutes of stumbling through the dark waiting for her death.  She even gets the cat scare and, after all the build-up?  Just thrown through a window.  Come to think of it, she's the second character named Robin in the series to have this particular effect.  Robin in Part 5 had five minutes of build up, too, despite having no actual characterization.  

Why do I have so much screen time?

It takes seemingly forever, but finally we get Tina using her tremendous powers to start ruining Jason's day, and we see why stunt man Kane Hodder was cast in the role.  Tina really beats on the undead wrecking machine.  She electrocutes him, drops a friggin' house on him, throws a plant(complete with severed head) at him...he still finds time to dig an axe into Melissa's head, though.  I find it funny that Nick tries to protect Tina when she's the one with super powers.  She has telekinesis, he just has nice cheekbones and a strong jawline.  Only one of those things are in any way useful in dealing with a horrible mutant undead thing.  

The movie never really brings up the fact that Tina is now a living God.  The level of power she shows even as an amateur just learning how to manipulate that power...once she's done with Jason, there's really nothing on earth that could really put her down.  Not to mention that she kinda/maybe/sorta brings her Dad back from the dead to dispose of Jason?  Who knows what she's ultimately capable of.

Anyway, Tina uses her extraordinary powers to bring down Jason.  Don't worry, though: Nick's okay.

Final Thoughts: Slow build up to an admittedly interesting fireworks show.  Once Tina starts throwing her considerable powers at Jason-who just keeps coming despite the beating he's taken-things really liven up.  The effects team does a great job of providing enough spectacle to keep the gimmick afloat, and Hodder is a very convincing Jason.  It's more fun than it probably should be.

Final Rating: Two and a Half Stars.

Movie 94: Jason Lives:Friday The 13th Part VI

Starring:Thom Matthews, Jennifer Cooke, David Kagen, Kerry Noonan, Renee Jones, C.J. Graham, Darcy DeMoss.

Director: Tom McLoughlin.

So, Jason Lives.  The "funny" one.  No, really, it actually is kinda funny.  Writer/Director Tom McLoughlin fills the whole thing with bits of offbeat humor and tongue-in-cheek, self-aware laughs that range from being genuinely funny to eye-rollingly dumb.  Lots of references, too.  

Tommy Jarvis returns one more time, this time played by horror-comedy star Thom Matthews, now seemingly mostly sane and put together.  His plan of unearthing Jason so that he can destroy the body and "stop his hallucinations" is probably the only real tip-off that Tommy isn't entirely well.  Of course, the plan actually causes Jason's return via a Frankenstein-esque lightning strike.  Funnily enough, Tommy doesn't tell anybody that when he's trying to warn them about the undead force-of-nature that's hacking his way across the region.  Way to take responsibility, Tommy.

The credits sequence opens with a James Bond reference, which is cute. Tommy fails horror hero 101 by running into the Sheriff Station howling about the resurrection of a dead killer to a pair of very-unamused (and VERY aggressive...almost absurdly so) law enforcement officers.  Then he runs and grabs a shotgun without asking.  There's some nice, subtle world building happening, though: The Sheriff mentions that the town changed it's name to "Camp Forest Green" in hopes of erasing the horrible historic narrative the region has attached to it.

The first real death sequence is actually pretty good and oddly logical in some ways.  The head counselors are driving along when they run into Jason.  The Girlfriend says "I've seen enough horror movies to know a man in a mask is never friendly" and attempts to leave.  The Boyfriend is dumb and suggests playing chicken and, when that doesn't work, attempting to brandish a handgun. It's a cute scene with some cute dialogue (The Girlfriend actually has some pretty nice lines- "We're gonna scare him?!" "You ain't Dirty Harry, so stop it!"  Really, if he had listened to her, they might have been okay.)

Paintball sequence is...paintball sequence.  There is at least some funny dialogue here and there-a nerdy exec says "Death is my business" unironically, and it's wonderful-and some nice feminism (the female exec is clearly winning the game, and the anti-female rants of her "victims" come off as silly and like sour grapes).  The nerdy Woody Allen guy is annoying, but he was about to win(until Jason shows up), which is cute.  That seems to be the name of the game here: Cute.

"Hit the noise and the cherries!"  The Cops are beginning to be my favorite thing about this film.  They are so strangely over-the-top for a pair of small town cops.  Kinda makes sense, though: one would assume a pair of bored hicks would probably overcompensate with some tough talk.  "Wherever the red dot goes, You're Bang."  

The Gravedigger is a nice reference to Macbeth.  I think.  He seems to be a lot like the Night Porter, as well as the, well, gravedigger in Hamlet.  I might be giving it more credit than it deserves, but considering how many references this film presents, as well as those offbeat gags, it's clear that McLoughlin is big on popular culture.

Two of the girls discuss playing a card game called "Camp Blood" that has a lot in common with the old, impossible-to-beat, NES game.  Remember that game?  It was so friggin' hard.  Cort, clad in extremely holey jeans, is having sex with a girl who I thought was supposed to be an older woman(he would be her boy-toy), but apparently she's actually his age.  Anyway, her hair is pretty extraordinary.  She does some pretty solid physical comedy as Cort puts the camper in gear and drives around.  The camper sequence is actually pretty good: it ends with a wonderful shot of Jason standing atop the flaming wreckage.  

I will say that the chase scene, where Megan forces Tommy's head into her crotch(smirking and saying "That's what I want") as she attempts daring turns to outrun the police.  It ends with a nicely delivered "Oh, shit" when Tommy picks his head up out of her crotch to see the Sheriff(who is her dad) pointing a shotgun at him.  It's a fun scene.

Call back to "Wherever the red dot goes, you're bang."  That oughta be a bumper sticker.

While it would be Kane Hodder who ultimately makes the "no kids, no animals" decision for Jason as a character, it is notable that Jason doesn't kill the kids in their cabins despite absolute opportunity.  It's hard to say whether or not he was GOING to, though, considering he is looming over a childs bed before the police show up...and Jason just kills all of them.

While Tommy's plan is pretty sound: trap Jason underwater with chains so that he can't hurt anyone else.  The fire just seems to add more danger to Tommy himself than Jason, though, I question that decision.  Also, of all the insults you can think of...Maggot head?  Really?  I mean, sure, he adds Asshole and Pussy but...Maggot head.  Really, Tommy.

Final Thoughts: It's probably the cutest installment of the series.  It's not the best, but the comedy element does add something to the mostly by-the-numbers entries that were the series hallmark.  Thom Matthews and Jennifer Cooke are charming enough leads-at the very least we get a sense of personality from them-and there's some cute dialogue.  The sheriff is a fun character, too, and I'm always glad to see a normal human get a few shots off on supernatural opponents.  

Final Rating: Three Stars.

Movie 93: Friday The 13th Part V:A New Beginning

Starring: Melanie Kinnaman, John Shepard, Shavar Ross, Richard Young, Marco St.John, Juliette Cummins, Corey Feldman.

Director: Danny Steinmann.

I don't think I really got into it while I wrote about Part 4 but it was the introduction of Tommy Jarvis who is the closest thing this series gets to a central protagonist.  Tommy faces down Jason at the cost of his sanity in that film, ending with Jason's apparent death. Tommy returns in this film as what basically amounts to a deranged lunatic, and a whole lot of hilarity ensues.

Despite this quite possibly being the absolute worst of the series, it's also one of my favorites.  The reason for this is really simple: It's near the very top of my so-bad-its-good list.  It's one of the greatest bad movies ever made, and I think I might enjoy going through this again.  

Anyway, Feldman returns briefly, reprising his role as Young Tommy for an opening dream sequence.  The fact that it's a dream sequence is probably the only thing that excuses the ridiculousness of two men running around in a rain storm to dig up the body of a long dead serial killer, all while saying little more then "Come on, Man, dig!  Dig!  Faster!"  It's all very absurd.  Anyway, Corey witnesses the return of Jason but wakes up just as Jason is about to cut him down.

Tommy, now a young adult, sits in the back of a Mental Health Facility van being driven to a halfway house for kids who apparently ready to re-enter society(not that you'd know it by, y'know, looking at or talking to them).  Of course, because it's a Friday The 13th film, the driver is both an asshole and casually reads a porno.  

As played by John Shepherd, Tommy is a barely restrained lunatic.  When he isn't catatonic, he appears to be violent.  Clearly, he's recovering nicely.  The nice Doctors at his new home even comment on his inability to be treated so...why is he there again?  Oh, right: the plot.

Anyway, he meets Reggie The Reckless: a young black kid who apparently sees nothing wrong in playing pranks on the mentally ill.  But, since he's reckless, I guess that makes sense.  '

There's no way I'll be able to keep up with this film.  No way at all.  It's wall-to-wall lunacy.  No sooner had I finished writing a sentence on Reggie, the two redneck neighbors show up to STEAL THE SHOW with their craziness.  Ethel and her Son arrive to complain about the looneys coming onto her property.  It needs to be seen to be believed.

There is a legitimately shocking scene when overweight Joey, doing his best awkward John Candy impression, tries to help the intensely angry Vic with the wood chopping.  The scene is partly comedic-Joey is clearly playing up the comedy-but partly sweet(Joey really loves it at the farm, and his innocence is underscored). And then Vic hacks him to pieces with an axe.  It's actually kind of a surprising scene.  It's a pretty plot specific scene, too, even though it doesn't look like that.  One of the EMTs at the scene is particularly distressed by the whole thing (while the other does the traditional series behavior of thinking it's particularly funny that a kid is dead...popping his bubble gum and laughing about the "pussies")...who it turns out is Joey's estranged Father and the new imposter Jason.

Everybody looks like somebody else in this movie.  I can't believe that this isn't intentional.  Ethel and her Son look like very dirty versions of Adrienne Barbeau(without the endowments) and Randy Quaid.  Vic looks like Clint Eastwood.  One of the other kids has a Tom Cruise look.  There's even a guy who looks like Michael Jackson later.

Tommy once again shows his clear march towards sanity by beating up another of his fellow...inmates? Patients? Peers?  I dunno.  Anyway, the guy scares Tommy...so Tommy responds by beating the shit out of him.

The shithead van driver from the beginning shows up to pick up a diner waitress.  They have an exchange of bizarre double entendres...Lana goes inside to amuse herself in a mirror("Iiiiiiiiit's SHOWTIME!" She exclaims as she unzips her top, exposing her breasts to herself.  She then sprays mouth freshener down her cleavage when she's done), Billy does some Cocaine ("Forecast calls for showers in the forests, sunshine in the valley, and snow flurries up your nose"), and both end up dead.  I should be keeping a running tally for deaths in this series (even though this isn't Jason).

Y'know, I find it kind of clever that Jason isn't the killer in this film.  For a film that calls itself A New Beginning it makes a certain kind of sense.  The original film has Mrs.Voorhees killing out of revenge for her dead son.  Three films of said son, returned from the grave (or the woods, or whatever...I never bought the "he saw his Mother killed" bit because, well, why would they have assumed he had drowned?  Don't make no sense)...we finish that off, and now we have a new beginning: A man killing teens out of revenge for his son's death.  Jason obviously makes his return later, but for the time being we get the pissed off orderly instead.

Pam, who is ostensibly our lead, takes Reggie to see his Brother.  His Brother is named Demon.  The movie plays scary music as they drive to the trailer park.  Nothing about this makes sense.  Demon, however, is the height of hilarity: he has jerry curls, dresses in rock star leather, looks and sounds a little like Michael Jackson and lives in a van.  It's hysterical.  As soon as Reggie leaves, Demon has a horrible stomach reaction to the horrible food he's been eating...so he runs to the outhouse where he and his Girlfriend perform a rendition of "ooh, baby" which is just amazing.  It might be my favorite thing in any of these films.

During the heartfelt reunion between Reggie and Demon, Tommy beats up Junior in the trailer park and runs off into the night. It's also glorious.  Everything about this movie is so awesomely bad it boggles the mind.  Junior drives around the farm on his motorcycle screaming about his injuries(or just screaming) until his head gets cut off.  

Poor Jake.  He wants to tells Robin he has feelings for her, and she laughs at him.  Granted, Robin is a nice enough person to feel bad about it afterwards, but it was still a pretty mean thing to do.  Jake sheds some tears, and goes to ask Violet for advice.  She's too busy doing the robot.  To Pseudo Echo's "His Eyes."  It's...seriously, it's awesome...I wish I could find a video.  But for some reason I can't get youtube to cooperate through the blog.

As Faux-Jason begins to give chase to Pam and Reggie, there's a couple hilarious things that happen.  One, when Reggie sees Jason standing over the body of the other paramedic, he screams incredibly loudly and shrilly...and then bolts off into the woods at a dead sprint, leaving Pam in the dust.  It's pretty hilarious.  Jason focuses on Pam, anyway, mostly by tossing the bodies of characters we didn't even know were dead through windows at her.  Reggie comes to her rescue with a tractor, though.  You can't make this stuff up.

The ending is pretty standard stuff and not really worth commenting on.  Really, once Violet is done with her robot dancing...it's all pretty downhill from there.  There is the postscript of Tommy once again seeing his imaginary Jason-friend and once again apparently losing his mind...and we're left with the impression that he might don the mask and become the next killer to perform under the Jason identity.

Final Thoughts: It's a wonderful bad movie, no doubt about it.  It's filled with a great deal of over-the-top silliness and deranged performances, and it's so entertaining while being a big giant mess.  Like I said before, there is some actual intelligence to the film's conception even though it's awkward in practice.  If nothing else, it's worth it as a fun bad movie.

Final Rating: Two Stars.

Movie 92: Friday The 13th:The Final Chapter

Starring: Kimberly Beck, Peter Barton, Corey Feldman, Erich Anderson, Crispin Glover, Alan Hayes, Barbara Howard, Camilla and Carey More.

Director: Joseph Zito.

There are a few things to like about this "final"(uh-huh) installment in the Friday The 13th series.  One is, well, the whole "final" thing.  The story goes that there was every intention of finishing the franchise off with this installment, with Tom Savini even coming back under the strength of a promise that he be allowed to kill off Jason.  Obviously, since there ended up being Seven and a Half more installments, Paramount Pictures changed their minds on this edict.  

Another is Crispin Glover.  But we'll get to him.

A third is the spirited recap opening, something they'll repeat in later installments, this time using the footage of the camp fire story-time scene in the second film.  It's a nice bit of business, and then the movie brings us right back to the end of part three, with authorities bagging up Jason's corpse a few hours after Chris has finished him off in the barn.

Other than those things, I'm not sure what else there really is.  There's some awkward scenes between Axel The Coroner and the Nurse he makes out with(who seems to hate him), complete with some awkward dialogue.  "You are the Super Bowl of Self Abuse!" and "Holy Christmas!  Holy Jesus Jumping Christmas God Damn!"  

I gotta get myself an imaginary computer to run my love life problems through.  If it's good enough to call Crispin Glover a "Dead Fuck" it's good enough for me.  Crispin Glover does some fun comedy stuff later, but for the most part he and his companion Teddy are among some of the most obnoxious characters the franchise trudges up.  But there is this:

Oh, yes.  There is this.

Trish and Tommy and their Mom, the family unit living in the house next door to our usual crop of interchangeable teenager are a bit more interesting, if a little under-developed.  Tommy is a pretty A-typical horror movie kid: makes his own masks, plays a lot of video games, has a knack for machinery.  Trish is...well, who really knows who Trish is.  She seems a little stifled by her Mother(who seems lonely), and wants to let loose a little.  Maybe she's a little resentful about hanging out all summer with her Mother and Brother.

We also have a woodsman type out hunting for Jason(even though the news reported that he was dead?) under the clever guise of a bear hunter.  Nice call back, though: his sister was Sandra, part of the designated sex-crazed couple from Part Two.  So, there is that.

There is one interesting thing done in this film that I haven't seen a lot of in other films: there are two different characters who fit the "final girl" criteria.  Trish is one, the other is Sarah, the sweet, conservative girl who doesn't want to skinny dip, and is very shy about talking to the single guy on the trip who likes her. She wears nice sweaters and overdresses for their party with this big, fluffy red dress thing...she is beautiful, adorable, and I love her.  She then very shyly-and adorably!-asks the other boy to sleep with her...it's just so wonderful and is probably one of my favorite things in the whole series.  After she has shower sex with the guy, he says he might be in heaven.  She says "I think I'm in love."  D'Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!!!!!!!!!

I love you, Barbara Howard.

There's some sort of drama involving one of the Twins that the group of kids pick up trying to steal one of the other girls' boyfriend...but it's mostly an excuse to send out the first victims to the lake.  In the meantime, Crispin Glover has sex and the rest watch a reel of vintage pornography(that Teddy finds impossibly funny)...I know it must be hard to write these movies.  You've got an hour and a half with other a dozen characters and you have to at least attempt some sort of pacing and story but there's gotta be a better way to handle this stuff.  Particularly in that at least two deaths happen off-camera.  But, you have an audience to placate and I get that.  Sex and Violence and all.

Sara more or less is the first final girl: out of everyone in movie B(Movie A basically being about the Jarvis family) she lasts the longest, with all of her friends being summarily killed off.  They probably could have made her the lead without any stretching, but she had sex, so she had to die off.  Trish never has sex, just kinda wants to with the bear hunter.  

I choose to believe that Gordan The Dog is fine.  Do not tell me anything else.  Gordan is living happily on a farm some place up north.  

Friday The 13th mostly codifies the tropes Scream has so much fun espousing to the audience but, as I said in the write-up of that film, those tropes are offered up without much reasoning as to the why of all of it.  This seems like as good a place as any to discuss that a bit.  Sara provides a great representation of a lot of it, as does this whole entry in the franchise.  Sara IS Randy's "no sex" rule.  Sara does not commit any sins, and that's what these movies are about.  I've always said that every decent horror film needs, at its heart, a central metaphor.  This metaphor can be sloppy, as it is in Friday The 13th, or be more subtle but it still needs to be there.  In this case, Jason represents a religious notion of sin.  Any deviation from a fairly strict moral code(sex, drugs and rock n'roll are a no-no, even if there IS probably a bit more to it than that) ends in death.  I'd actually even go as far to say there almost an Eastern Philosophy of Purity of Mind and Body being represented here as well, even though more of those philosophies don't usually include any sort of punishment for violation(in fact, many usually consider the impure to be the natural state, and only by accepting that purity can you ascend past it.  In other words, purity is to be achieved from a lesser state, not to be maintained from birth).  But, in essence, Jason represents a Wrath of God.  The rapturous judgement of a vengeful god. Sexual activity, foreign substances, even vengeance and betrayal all qualify as violations of what is considered Western religious values.  Luckily, these films stopped at the moral judgement of adults on teens before it got too offensive (according to a lot of Western Moral Values, anybody who wasn't a straight, white, cis-male would basically be fucked in a Friday The 13th movie), but it's there and I think it's the real reason for the series proliferation and longevity over time.  So, there you go...that's probably as much analysis as I am capable of offering for the first half of this franchise(I hope to have more to say about the gimmicky sequels later on, but this is what I have for the straight slasher film side of the franchise).

Jason's death works well enough when taken for what it is.  A terrorized young boy assuming the form of his attacker(cosmetically, if not spiritually) and then losing his mind while hacking the assailant to pieces is a pretty shocking and memorable event, even if it does kind of come out of left field.

Final Thoughts: I briefly touched on the "two movies" idea.  Movie A has Trish and Tommy, their Mother and The Bear Hunter dealing with Jason.  Movie B is the usual movie with Jason wiping out a dozen or so teens in various ways.  They merge in and out with each other, but it still feels like there were two movies going on.  Movie A was much more subtle: there was some attempt at character development, a family unit that could have been fleshed out in any other horror film, and an outside force looking to disrupt their tenuous relationship.  Movie B was the norm.  No need for any subtlety, just hack and slash.  I almost wonder what Movie A could have been if given the entire running time and some actual focused writing.  

Final Rating: Three Stars.