Movie 95: Friday The 13th Part VII:The New Blood

Starring: Lar Park-Lincoln, Kane Hodder, Kevin Blair, Susan Blu, Terry Kiser, Susan Jennifer Sullivan.

Director: John Carl Buechler.

If nothing else, this film does mark the welcome addition of Kane Hodder as the new regular actor assigned to perform as Jason Voorhees.  There probably isn't anything else.  Well, I suppose that isn't entirely true: there is the gimmick.  Said gimmick basically boils down to "Jason Vs. Carrie" which does have a certain amount of entertainment value.  It's not that the franchise ever really took itself seriously(maybe the first one), but any pretense of seriousness is thrown out the window here with this premise.  The opening montage is one of my favorite things ever: gravelly voiced man growls about how Jason is unstoppable over some choice shots from previous franchise entries.  

The montage also shows us that Tommy Jarvis left Jason at the bottom of Crystal Lake before launching us into a flashback where young Tina accidentally kills her Dad with telekinetic fury.  Actually, the visual effect of the bridge rocking is much better than I remember it being: looks pretty good.  It's easy to forget how talented a lot of people working on these films are when they become these big (mostly fun) gimmicky messes.

The music choice for Tina's telekinetic powers is actually pretty cool.  It's spooky and otherworldly and a nice musical que to make sure the audience knows what they're looking at.

Tina, now a Teen, is under the care of Psychiatrist Dr."I'm so evil it's ridiculous" Cruz.  He's clearly only interested in exploiting her psychic abilities, but only Tina herself seems to notice...which is absurd, considering all he does is threaten her with a return to the hospital.  Anyway, Cruz's treatment is so wonderfully helpful that Tina attempts to use her powers to...bring her Dad back?  Anyway, it results with releasing Jason instead.  The key part of the scene, though: the deck they built to replace the one Tina wrecked?  Looks SO much nicer.

At least Tina has some personality, which is something of a rarity in this series.  The rest of the interchangable teens(the unbelievably common thing in the series) are hanging out next door for a surprise party for some dude named Michael, who is quickly killed off with his Girlfriend before they can arrive.  Nick, the denim clad male model of the group, takes a liking to Tina and invites her over.

The kids are pretty ridiculous, especially super-hot mean girl Melissa who is NOT screwing around with her blue silk pant-suits...it's the tackiest thing ever. 

...holy shit.

As a sometime aspiring writer, I'm deeply offended by the character of Eddie. No, I'm not, because that'd be stupid, but the character IS ridiculous.  Eddie is a starry eyed dreamer, coming up with terrible science fiction ideas (as we fiction writers are wont to do), involving a universe of "highly evolved protozoa."  Which it basically already is.  But, before we get subjected to too much of this fascinating ensemble, we cut to a pair of campers biting it, and the best death scene of the series.  You know the one.  Sleeping. Bag. Kill.  Jason just picks up that sleeping bag, girl inside, and slams it head first against a tree.  It was fantastic.

Nick and Tina bond over his making light of her mental illness, as so frequently happens in life.  Melissa, like a sane person, is stalking them in the woods.  

"All's fair in love and war." Melissa says, chewing every single bit of scenery.

"Melissa,I don't even like you." Nick says.  It's probably my favorite thing in the whole movie.  Melissa is unphased and decides to screw the crappy writer because it'll...make the guy who can't stand her jealous?  Melissa might be one of the dumbest horror movie characters ever.

Each of these kids has some sort of half-assed subplot, but none of them are even remotely fleshed, out.  One girl is mad at her boyfriend but we have no idea why.  Two other girls both want the pot smoking guy(he has no other personality traits), but one of them is too nerdy or whatever.  She is told she "needs a little touch up work" so she gives herself a makeover and says "touch up work my ass."  Well, honey...you gave yourself a touch up.  Literally.  I mean...seriously.  She then goes outside-where pot guy has not been all movie-looking for the guy.  The most logical place for him to be is the woods?  This character deserves to die.

Tina's Mom has some pretty intense hair.

Tina starts to telekinesis all over the place.  Nick sees this and says "God, that's you" in the same tone he might use if he were accusing her of farting.  Oh, Nick, I wish you were in some sequels.  

I will say the "Personal Penis Enlarger"(which is just a magnifying glass) gag gift is pretty funny.  I gave that to a guy for his birthday once many years ago in high school.  It went over well.  I feel like Eddie survived far too long....or not long enough.  I would have bought him being an unlikely survivor, but the Friday The 13th series never really did those.  

Every single installment of this series seems to have one death scene that they attempt to build suspense for, and it's always for the most unlikely character.  In this one it's the red head, whose only contribution to the film was having sex with the stoner.  She has the least personality of any of the kids, and yet she gets a whole five minutes of stumbling through the dark waiting for her death.  She even gets the cat scare and, after all the build-up?  Just thrown through a window.  Come to think of it, she's the second character named Robin in the series to have this particular effect.  Robin in Part 5 had five minutes of build up, too, despite having no actual characterization.  

Why do I have so much screen time?

It takes seemingly forever, but finally we get Tina using her tremendous powers to start ruining Jason's day, and we see why stunt man Kane Hodder was cast in the role.  Tina really beats on the undead wrecking machine.  She electrocutes him, drops a friggin' house on him, throws a plant(complete with severed head) at him...he still finds time to dig an axe into Melissa's head, though.  I find it funny that Nick tries to protect Tina when she's the one with super powers.  She has telekinesis, he just has nice cheekbones and a strong jawline.  Only one of those things are in any way useful in dealing with a horrible mutant undead thing.  

The movie never really brings up the fact that Tina is now a living God.  The level of power she shows even as an amateur just learning how to manipulate that power...once she's done with Jason, there's really nothing on earth that could really put her down.  Not to mention that she kinda/maybe/sorta brings her Dad back from the dead to dispose of Jason?  Who knows what she's ultimately capable of.

Anyway, Tina uses her extraordinary powers to bring down Jason.  Don't worry, though: Nick's okay.

Final Thoughts: Slow build up to an admittedly interesting fireworks show.  Once Tina starts throwing her considerable powers at Jason-who just keeps coming despite the beating he's taken-things really liven up.  The effects team does a great job of providing enough spectacle to keep the gimmick afloat, and Hodder is a very convincing Jason.  It's more fun than it probably should be.

Final Rating: Two and a Half Stars.