Movie 99: Friday The 13th(2009)

Starring: Jared Padalecki, Danielle Panabaker, Amanda Righetti, Travis Van Winkle, Aaron Yoo, Julianna Guill.

Director: Marcus Nispel.

So, okay, I'm in the home stretch.  Soon I can be done with all of this Friday The 13th garbage and hopefully never, ever look back.  It's been a long, long...long road.  I know this film is really not going to make me feel even the least bit better about any of it, given that nothing about this remake worked for me in the past and I doubt time has changed much.

I'm a fan of Padalecki(from Supernatural) and Panabaker(holy crap, I had no idea that The Flash star Danielle Panabaker was in this film) but I...I'm just going to try and suffer through this.  Hang in there with me, we'll get through this somehow.  

Oh, right, I remember now: this movie is WAY overstuffed.  We get the credit sequence shoe-horning in the first movie's plot (Mrs.Voorhees has performed a bunch of murders and gets her head chopped off), including the dumb "Jason watched his Mother die" thing...I never understood that stuff.  How did they not notice Jason was not dead in the first place?  He just wandered in the woods by himself as a frightened handicapped kid?  I just don't get it.  But, anyway, we see it.  Then, present day, an entire cast of characters is introduced.  They're wandering in the woods looking for Weed(showing it's age) so they can sell it.  Then they're all killed really quickly and then we go to yet another movie.  I'm glad the weed kids die, though: even as homages to the original series they're flat, obnoxious characters filled with cliches.  

How I feel right now.

Okay, so the machete through the floor bit is actually kinda cool.  Oh, that's right, in an effort to basically make this twenty minute prelude(!) fit in their rushed franchise revision, Jason has the bag over his head here, too.  Remember what I said WAAAYYY back in Part Two: Never forget the potato sack.  I don't mind Jason having a little bit of speed to him, though: gives him a pretty solid amount of ferociousness. Won't save the film, though.

I will say, though, that the douchebag they have as the alpha male of the group of interchangeable kids is VERY well cast.  It takes two minutes for me to want to take a swing at him, and by throwing him at Padalecki(a man with a considerable amount of charisma) we instantly gravitate to his side. But the douche, and the Sheriff(played by veteran actor Richard Burgi), make up the textbook case of Friday The 13th shitheel that they do oh so well.

I have to admit I laughed at the bong exchange.  Chewie(apparently the names here are worse than Jason X) pulls out the super-bong, and Lawrence(who is currently my favorite character since he pulls a tongue-in-cheek race card all the time: "Why you gotta go racial?  Because I'm black I can't listen to the Green Day?"  "You're right, I'm sorry.  What are you listening to?" "Rap.") says "Lucy, is that you?"  Chewie responds by saying "You've been cheating on me."
"No, baby, no..."
"I saw you.  With a bowl."
"No..."
"With a bowl, Lawrence."

Danielle Panabaker does a great job at being the nice girl.  Much as she is on The Flash.  It boggles the mind on why she's with Douche, but that's of course the point...not sure why the movie follows Padalecki talking to all of the neighbors.  But it is funny to see the douche say "You might wanna get out of here before I get pissed" to Jared "I'm eight feet tall and made of iron" Padalecki.  Padalecki plays it with a level of self-awareness, though(he really is a good actor), with his slight smiles and non-aggressive posture(he doesn't need to DO intimidating, he brings that to the party naturally).  The script seems pretty tailored to Padalecki, which makes sense since it likely is meant to be a vehicle for the CW star(who made the remake of House Of Wax not too long beforehand).  It's cool except it leaves a fan wondering: why hasn't Sam Winchester just dealt with this by now?

I don't think we needed a redneck talking to his sex doll.  At least it's quick and Jason kills him and finds a hockey mask.  Hooray.  Glad we spent some time establishing the mask for some reason.  Also glad we have a para-sailing scene featuring two characters who basically have no names or identities.  Some things will just never change.  Grass will always be green, sky will always be blue, and Friday The 13th will always feature a bunch of nameless "characters" being killed randomly.

This version of Jason isn't...entirely hateable.  There's an intelligence there that kind of works.  It seems a little un-jason but I think that has more to do with the idea that Jason is a supernatural entity in the series...which he wasn't at the start.  As remakes go, this is hardly the worst sin it could have committed.  I'm totally fine with him having electricity and the like...though how he learned to do such things being a grown-up feral child person, I guess we'll never know.  He somehow knew how to properly create underground tunnels and such...guess he missed a calling as a natural architect.

Marcus Nispel gets his most creative and artsy about photographing a lady's body.  Shocking.  Suddenly one can see Michael Bay's contribution to the flick.  Then there's a masterbation joke.  Ho Ho Ho Shit.  "Your tits are so juicy.  You have perfect nipple placement."  Romantic.  This whole sex scene is the opposite of erotic, really.  That might be the point, except that...well, Nispel is clearly super into showing the actresses entire body as much as he possibly can.  

Lawrence once again proves to be my favorite character in the film.  Lights are cut, he knows a killer is on the loose, and still he goes to try and find his best friend.  Lawrence, you are a great guy.  Horror movies need more guys like you.  I'm actually going to care when Jason gets you because you were established and developed as a character!  Imagine that.

You're a Hero, sir.

Jason does get Lawrence with a pretty rad axe throw.  Padalecki doesn't want to go rescue my boy Lawrence...boo, Sam.  But, well, Sam Winchester would day the same thing and make the same sad look Clay gives.  Padalecki is named Clay in this movie, by the way.  I just wanna keep calling him Sam.  I probably will.

Well, we're now down to our leads.  Sam Winchester, Kaitlyn Snow and Sam's sister-who-isn't-Dean.  And that last one is still MIA.  Well, okay, Sam just found her.  Good for him!  Character motivation and arc complete.  Oh, snap, surprise death for Panabaker!  I forgot about that.  That's...actually not bad, movie.  

The line of "Say Hi to Mommy" isn't so bad...but then she had to add "In Hell" and it all just kinda fell apart.

Douchebag's Dad is gonna be pissed about what happened to his house.

Sequel hook is...well, sequel hook.  Meh.  I could live without any more Friday The 13th.  Even if you told me Padalecki would be in it...but I'd probably see it if Padalecki was in it.

Final Thoughts: Well, as remakes go, this isn't so horrible.  Padalecki and Panabaker do well with their roles, as do some of the other cast (the ones who have more to do than just stand around, have sex or go water-skiing), the depiction of Jason is reasonably well done.  I think more of the blame for the weaknesses falls on Platinum Dunes, who can't help but get in their own way with these gritty reboots.  Honestly, if there was one actual character trait for the series it was that it never took itself too seriously and yet somehow this remake was so very into being a straight slasher flick...the trouble is, we've done that before.  There must have been a way to find a balance, but Platinum Dunes so frequently seems to mis-read it's audience.  I am familiar with the writers of the film(they did Freddy Vs. Jason which is up next, by the way), and they certainly have it in their heads that fan want dark and gritty(which I have a whole big treatise on when I do the remake of Nightmare) but can't seem to make it work.  Oh, well.  There's ups and downs, and this remake doesn't quite fall as far as some of the franchise entries did.

Final Rating: Two and a Half Stars.