Movie 145: Silent Hill:Revelation (2012)

Starring: Adelaide Clemens, Kit Harrington, Sean Bean, Carrie-Anne Moss, Malcom McDowell, Radha Mitchell.

Director: Michael J. Bassett.

So, funny story: Silent Hill did some modest box office success but not enough to greenlight an immediate sequel.  So, six years later, they decided to make a sequel to a movie that didn't even really have a sequel hook.  Christophe Gans was apparently unavailable (or knew better) and skipped helming the project.  Tragically, Michael J. Bassett (director of the passable Deathwatch) came in in his place and basically did exactly one half of what Gans did: he made a fairly faithful adaptation of a video game sequel.  Unfortunately, the other half-making an actually strong film-wasn't in the cards.  Everything here is designed to look like the video game, but without any of the atmosphere, ingenuity or controlled insanity that made the first movie a watchable outing.  

Oh, yeah, and they cast two guys from Game Of Thrones in it to help market the thing.  Remember when Carrie-Anne Moss was a star?  No?  Yeah, me neither.  

That crack about Moss was too mean.  I didn't mean that.  I'm sure she works very hard.  You were good in Daredevil, Carrie.  

Jokes on me, anyway: I spent money on this thing.

So, two catapult nightmares in a row, complete with poor CGI effects (I guess the whole 3D thing is at least partially to blame) and watered down practical ones.  I also feel like Adelaide Clemens (as honest of a performance as I think she's giving) was primarily cast because she looks exactly like the character from Silent Hill 3.  Adelaide seems to be capable of doing "frustrated but basically good teenage girl" but is less convincing playing her dark half in nightmares, but I could be persuaded to blame that on acting through that atrocious makeup.

Both Radha Mitchell and Sean Bean seem kind of embarrassed to be here, really.  Radha gets off easily, though: one brief scene in a flashback to try and make sense of the ass-pull retcon (Sharon gets out of weird limbo because Rose had the power to, uh, get one of them out, I guess?  And Sharon ISN'T possessed anymore?  Anyway, Rose says her goodbyes, urges Bean to protect her and poof) and gets to just bail right out of the film.  Bean doesn't stick around much, either, if I remember correctly.  I'm not sure why Bean and Sharon/Heather have to move around and change names considering that the canon of the first movie doesn't suggest anyone is after them...but okay.  Anyway, Heather makes an admittedly interesting little speech in her class room that both sums up who she is and what her attitude about life is with some actually well-done clarity and pathos.  Adelaide is managing to keep her head above water, despite the fairly innocuous screenplay doing it's best to undermine her.

Kit Harrington, best known for his portrayal of Jon Snow in Game Of Thrones, becomes her designated love interest because he's dreamy and...well, that's about it, really.  Not a lot of information is offered.  Then Heather witnesses kids in clown makeup eating what I guess is supposed to be human flesh.  It, like most of the scare sequences in this film, largely fall flat and seem more at home in bargain basement Hellraiser sequels.  

I feel like the Private Detective could have been an interesting character to keep around, but instead he's just there to provide exposition, get his fingers cut off in a bad 3-D effect and eventually get killed off by a bad CGI effect.  The original film utilized more practical effects for their humanoid monsters, but I can only assume an incredibly slashed budget created the necessity for a greater reliance on CGI, not to mention the early days of the whole 3-D fad being the only way studios would be willing to gamble on this type of property.  So, to be fair, I could blame a lot of the issues here on "troubled production."  I'm willing to do that, at least in part, but this poorly written screenplay is also definitely to blame.

Adelaide and Kit have very little chemistry.  The blocking of their scene doesn't help anything, either: for whatever reason there's a huge amount of physical distance between them.  Also, she did just watch a man get butchered by a monster: she seems pretty flirty and chatty for someone in that position.  She's also really quick to just let this random guy into her house after her Dad has been kidnapped.  And, if we were going for "Dad is kidnapped and held in order to get Heather to return to Silent Hill" thing...why any of the mall stuff in the narrative?  Why the P.I.?  Oh, wait, is there a Mall level in the game series?  Is that why it's here?  I'm not familiar with any of it besides the first two and the Downpour one I own.  Did they just clumsily add set pieces just because they exist in the game?

Ugh, did they not have the rights to the original film?  Nothing worse than expository story from a previous film that is told entirely in monologue with pictures drawn in a notebook.  Pictures that Sean Bean shouldn't have known about since he never actually saw any supernatural stuff.  But they could have least done some flashbacks.  As Crow T. Robot once said: "Movie, how about a flashback?  Y'know, this is a motion picture?"  I mean, if we're going to have random nightmare sequences that don't really go anywhere we could have at least done some flashback stuff for exposition that is visually interesting.  Hell, they gave us one for Harrington's stupid background.  Jesus, that reveal was sloppy, too.

"Every step of the way you lied!" Heather shouts.  Every step?  You mean the three hours you've known him?  I know a lot of trust and relationship was built awfully quickly but can we not pretend that you have some...oh, forget it.  Harrington's huge information dump (always a sign of coherent screenwriting) and "Take this magic item and go find the other half" storyline...this is really sloppy work.  Isn't searching for her Dad in a hell dimension enough of a plot hook?  We need to add magic item side quest?  

At least the familiar town imagery still works well enough.  It's always an interesting visual and always will be: the fluttering ash, the white fog, the poor visibility, the detritus...it's all good looking enough stuff. Oh, hey, movie: you DO have some footage from the first film, it's just of random extras and Deborah Kara Unger. Okay.  Wait, you could have used this earlier, movie.  This and monster stuff.  When Heather was talking in the car, we could have had a lot of this then...jesus, this whole first act is bananas.  Exposition, plot dump, exposition, plot dump, exposition.  That rhythm, over and over.  Can we get on to some actual horror in our horror movie?  

Okay, now with all that exposition out of the way we can apparently START OVER.  Heather runs around Otherworld with her two tacitly connected story hooks and runs into a room full of manikins, one of whom seems to be breathing and has moving eyes.  Oh, right, I think I remember this scene being actually kind of creepy.  The monster that turns people into manikins.  The effect isn't nearly as good as the concept deserves but it isn't bad...same thing for the monster itself, which is a fascinating design but is ultimately undermined by complex but cartoonish looking CGI.  The design really is fantastic, though: very creative and imaginative.  It's too bad the scene doesn't have the ability to back it up.

If there was anything to learn from the previous film, it's that cutting away from the quest through Silent Hill to examine politics and theocracy, or whatever Sean Bean's mostly ineffectual character is doing (which is somehow even less here than it was in the previous film.  At least there he was gathering plot information, here he's just chained to cheap looking statuary), is not a strong narrative decision.  But this movie scoffs at narrative flow like...I dunno, I'm tired, insert your own sociopolitical analogy in here for comedic effect.  Something something Donald Trump and Immigrants or something.  Whatever.  I'm just glad I'm still awake.

It boggles the mind that when this film actually DOES use practical monster effects they look so terrible.  It's really unfortunate.  The scene still feels like it was tossed in because nothing had happened in the script for awhile except Heather slowly walking around in the dark.  See, the "walking around in the dark" works for a first person video game experience but not so much a motion picture.  

Oh, Malcom McDowell, get out of there!  Please, sir...stop doing...that.  There's not enough scenery in this scene for you to chew.  The scene is already starving, sir.  Your scenery chewing is gluttonous and there are starving scenes here at home that don't have enough to eat.  You monster. Oh, okay, that works. McDowell commits suicide by protagonist to get out of this movie, and who can blame him?  Wait, did he turn into the Hulk?  And then she just tore the magic item out of the new asshole he tore into himself?  This is an awfully convenient story.

This asylum scene, with dudes reaching out of their cells and grasping at stuff?  My gay friend Rye says that it's a perfect representation of sketchy bath houses.  I told him I wasn't exactly qualified to comment on gay bath houses, even with a primary source but...hey, this movie isn't offering me an awful lot of material, so I may as well use his suggestion to kill a couple of minutes.  My friend was unspecific if this comparison included a massive dude with a pyramid helmet chopping guys arms off with absurdly huge and definitely unmanageable swords.  I can only assume that it does.

So, wait, if the order basically now controls Silent Hill, how is it that they haven't gone down and wiped out all of the zombie nurses and other evil beasties living around here?  Oh, wait, I know: it's because the Nurses were a successful scene in the original, right?  And you needed to use them again?  Well, why didn't you just say so?  I can understand: they ARE admittedly a really good image, especially when you include the oddly sexual moaning.  Like the manikin spider thing, the scenes actual concept and design doesn't pan out.  The images and sounds are good, but it lacks any real tension or cohesion.  

"Your Dad wouldn't want you to try and rescue him!" says Harrington.

"You don't know that!" Heather replies.

"My Dad is an Asshole!"I add for her.

Don't dead Fish usually float?  Also, is the big stuffed Bunny thing a video game easter egg reference?  Did the cultists just wander into range of a ring of fire attack from the nigh-omnipotent being that actually rules this hellscape?  Why IS there a cult anyway?  Can't Alessa just, like, poof them?  This confrontation between Heather and Alessa is devoid of any real dramatic weight, primarily because I'm not entirely clear on what's actually going on.  Despite Heather being essentially a simulacrum created by dark magic, she is capable of defeating the being that created her through hugging or something?  Even IF the amulet works and "shows the true nature" wouldn't that still be in Alessas favor?  Alessa is the original version and, as such, would be overall truth of their existence would she not?  And even if Heather is triumphant, doesn't she now have insurmountable evil as a new facet of her personality?  Would this newly formed Heather even care about saving her adopted Father, and instead be interested in pure unadulterated vengeance?  

Guess not.  Because she's the chosen one and is the incubator of a new god because she defeated Alessa and, uh, I dunno.  Because reasons.  The Medallion actually summons the god instead of defeats Alessa but it also shows the truth of things and Heather apparently knows exactly how to use it...and turns the Priestess chick into Vega from Street Fighter and a fight breaks out with Pyramid Head.  At least I can get behind the logic of Pyramid Head being involved: if Heather has indeed merged as a complete being with Alessa, than Alessas creatures would effectively now be hers.  I buy that.  But, really, if Heather was a threat and the medallion was also a potential problem for her Kingdom, why didn't Alessa just take Heather out as soon as she showed up?  Why did any of this have to happen?

Anyway, Sean Bean is off to find Radha Mitchell so they can live happily ever after far, far away from any further sequels.  Even though with the cult and Alessa destroyed, why is there still a supernatural...oh, wait, okay, it faded.  Suddenly.  Why does Bean even get a choice to stay?  Why isn't Radha Mitchell spit out of the otherworld now that it's dismantled...oh, forget it.  Damn movie is over anyway.

Oh, and the Prison bus that drives through...think that's a reference to "Downpour."  Hardy har har.

"Just take us as far from here as you can." Adelaide says...probably to her agent.

Final Thoughts: One or two creative sequences ultimately can't save this overburdened, poorly conceived and obviously underfunded production from near annihilation.  The script is as sloppy and nonsensical as any I've seen in horror, with all the usual hallmarks of poor writing (in particular, characters who bump into the main character to deliver five or ten minutes of exposition and plot detail and then disappear.  Where DID Deborah Kara Unger go anyway?) and clumsy pacing.  Star Adelaide Clemens can mostly say she got out with her dignity intact, but everyone else hopefully got paid pretty well because they didn't gain anything else from being here.  It's kind of sad, though, really: I bet that Manikin spider thing looked rad in the screenwriters head.  That whole scene was probably someones baby...and then it looked like that.

Final Rating: One and a Half Stars.  Barely manages to avoid being a total turd.

Movie 144: Silent Hill (2006)

Starring: Radha Mitchell, Sean Bean, Laurie Holden, Jodelle Ferland, Deborah Kara Unger, Alice Krige, Kim Coates.

Director: Christophe Gans.

From the director of the gorgeous movie-that-doesn't-end Brotherhood Of The Wolf comes a video game adaptation that, at least in my addled memory(more on that in a moment) was far better than it had any right to be.  I saw it in a pretty packed theater and enjoyed myself.  It's been awhile since I've sat down and watched it but, as I alluded to earlier, I'm not really in the mindset to watch anything that will require more than 50% of a video game life-point bar(or whatever you call 'em) so this will do.

I'm super tired from becoming (gasp!) a morning person despite every fiber of my being despising that exact routine, plus a bunch of really heavy postmodernist philosophy reading on Becoming-Animals and Sorcerers and the primacy of the alpha-who-is-not-actually-important and whatever the hell else.  But I've fallen impossibly behind on this project, basically to the point of this becoming completely meaningless, but I suppose it's important to me to go the distance and I need to get back on the horse.  So, with all that in mind: here's friggin' Silent Hill.

I kind of meant to do this after I watched the actually-occasionally-kind-of-okay Dark Matter show, where Jodelle Ferland shows that she apparently grew up and stuff but, alas, I didn't get to it then.  But here she is as a child-Christ, this movie is ten years old, you guys-shrieking names of spooky towns in the face of Radha Mitchell.  This activity is now on my bucket list: if I die before shrieking SILENT HILLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL in the face of Radha Mitchell, I will come back as my own dark-twin-thingy in a burning town and...man, I don't know if I can even describe the plot of this movie in a precise enough manner to actually form a joke.

That was, in the end, what I think attracted to me to the film overall a decade ago: the movie has a sort of unbridled insanity that was kind of charming. My relationship with the game series (well, video games in general, really: they never were entirely my thing) is convoluted: I had a great time playing the original game with a friend where we took turns controlling the dude, shrieking at the bizarre imagery and monsters, and working together on puzzles.  I think I watched a friend play bits and pieces of the second one.  Then, when I picked up my PS3(which is basically just a big box that makes my netflix and WWE network happen, and lets me watch Blu-Rays), I bought one of the later games (uh, "Downpour," maybe?) and played for about seven hours before becoming immensely irritated at my inability to find an in-game soda machine that, for whatever reason, would allow me to cross a fence or something even though I totally had a goddam axe, you guys.

But, anyway, the movie: Gans obviously has affection for the source material, as evidenced by the total transplant of the games score (which is pretty excellent: the main theme of Silent Hill still remains my favorite video game song ever) and visual cues lifted directly from gameplay (I don't think we could have asked for a better film representation of that familiar white-out fog and drifting ash).  I'm not going to be the guys who complains about the gender reversal of the lead-in the game, Dad is the hero-even though I would have watched the shit out of a movie that featured Sean Bean punching weird zombie creatures in the face.  Instead we have Radha Mitchell, who is an excellent actress in her own right, still rocking the trademark brown trenchcoat of the games hero.  Mitchell is also refreshingly unsexualized in the film, too-even if my Postmodernist class would probably argue that, in lieu of her being a sexual object she is instead a Mother, but I'm not going to get into that-sporting a pretty solid "final girl" look of sensible clothes, hair and footwear.  

Along with Radha, we have the excellent Laurie Holden as Cybil, whose appearance is also directly lifted from the game.  I often think of her introduction in this film, as it's one of the simplest yet most effective introductions of a character I've seen: she hears little Sharon protesting and, being a good cop and a compassionate human being, comes to investigate.  When she asks Sharon a question, Sharon rolls up the window and says "don't talk to strangers."  Cybil smiles and quietly says "Good girl."  With that one scene, we totally understand Cybil and why she becomes involved.  To an outside observer, after all, Rose's stressed demeanor and Sharon's hysterics would be textbook signs of abduction or abuse.

I will say that the visual effects of this film don't entirely hold up, but that's really not any fault of the film.  Times have changed, technology has advanced, and the simpler forms of green screen are awfully glaring.  But so is the green screen used for the Star Wars prequels and those were state-of-the-art where this movie probably cost just over a million to produce.  There is a nice use of practical effects whenever possible, though, such as Rose seeing the man with the gas mask strung up on the fence.  It's a great image (the entire scene is ripped directly from the opening of the game), and the sudden arrival of weird monsters (in a particularly massive swarm) and the admirable use of sound (causing it to drop out, simulating a ringing in the ears) is a pretty intense one.  I can't imagine what the reaction of an audience that was entirely unfamiliar with the source material would have been.  But, really, I think this movie's best quality is that it specifies fan service while sacrificing as little quality as possible, and without being condescending or overwhelmingly self-aware.  This movie knows EXACTLY who its audience is, and doesn't feel the need to be ashamed of that, and that's admirable.

However, if this movie has a failing, it's the mostly meaningless, flailing Sean Bean subplot.  I understand the need for historical exposition-which is the only function of the subplot (along with, I suppose,the specification of alternate realities but...I think we probably could have put that together)-but really it never picks up steam.  It's mostly just the following repeated over and over again:

Sean Bean: How do I get to Silent Hill?

Rando: You can't.

(Sean Bean looks perplexed and, eventually, frustrated.  Also:concerned.)

They even manage to keep the maps and bus stop element in this film and have it make sense within the narrative (Rose doesn't know the town, after all), which is rather neat.  There's some strong set design here, too, when they aren't green screening (which, blessedly, seems to be kept to a minimum): the creepy, dilapidated hallways, offices and hotel rooms not only look good for settings ripped from an atmospheric video game but for a horror flick in general.  It's true that they are a bit generic (the game is mostly responsible for this, and that can't be helped, really) but they look well-thought out and carefully constructed.  Hmm, it apparently was designed by the guy who also did a bunch of set design for Guillermo Del Toro, including Crimson Peak, so that makes sense.

Oh, man, the scene with the razor-wired Janitor in the bathroom stall is gold.  Sure, it's entirely based on the simple audience expectation of a jump scare and, as such, is rather manipulative, but it has a strong pay off.  She knows she needs the key from the dead dudes mouth and slowly moves in to take it.  Nothing happens.  She attempts to leave the bathroom and is spotted by creepy dudes in gas masks, so she goes back into the bathroom when the familiar siren hits and the dead Janitor becomes some weird shrieking razor-wire spider beast thing.  It's unfortunate that the "otherworld" effects were largely unachievable without CGI, as the transition and most of the visual effects required greater things than set designers are capable of (though the make-up effects on the monstrous Janitor are excellent, and they do manage some sets quite capably in smaller sequences).  I think sometimes this movie does get too reliant on video game nods but, again, I'm not going to begrudge a video game adaptation the desire to LOOK like the video game it's adapting, even if it does make for an occasionally weaker film in spots.

I know Pyramid Head is really big with the fanbase but...he is kinda absurd.  I mean, that massive sword and...he's just silly.  I will admit that he was scary the first time we saw him in the video game, but really it was only because he was this random entity with no explanation wandering around looking menacing.  Plus, y'know, you couldn't kill him.  In the film he just doesn't have the same effect.  I know he was necessary and all but...man, it's just not as cool.

I had said I don't want to get too heavily into gender roles (more than I had to, I suppose) and I don't, but there is the slightest hint of nuclear family roles placed onto Rose (Wife/Mother) and Cybil(Husband/Father) throughout the narrative.  It almost makes me wish that they HAD kept the male lead, if only so that dynamic could have continued unchanged(as in, Chris as Wife/Mother and Cybil as Husband/Father).  It isn't super pronounced at any rate, for which I am very grateful as that could get pretty messy if directly approached.  But even the simple image of Rose in a skirt and Cybil in a cop uniform does relay certain symbols, if even unintentionally.  I think it's a good thing, though: Women playing both sides of traditional(emphasis on "traditional" not "correct") gender conventions is actually pretty progressive.

Maybe it's the exhaustion talking but this movie seems to have really slowed down a lot in the third act.  I know it's getting to be exposition time but...well, cutting to Sean Bean dropped a lot of dramatic tension, and this halting conversation between Rose and Alessa really isn't super riveting, either.  Maybe it's also the somewhat random insertion of a new character, too.  I don't think we needed this Anna character to go all Amanda Plummer for a few minutes.  I need to watch So I Married An Axe Murderer again at some point.  I had a huge crush on Nancy Travis for, like, five minutes when I was Eleven.  Also liked Lea Thompson.  Those crushes feel like they say something about me...

Yeah, Anna really wasn't needed.  Any rando could have had their skin ripped off by Pyramid Head, really: the visual is really all that was intended but they just inserted her as a plot device anyway.  The entire Cult thing does feel kind of extraneous but, again, the film needed more plot cohesion than the video game did (since the game is play based and is SUPPOSED to take time, and functions on entirely different narrative conventions, such as puzzles and strategic combats), and a hook for the last half.  But, at least we have Alice Krige, who is a national treasure.  I'm not sure anyone does the combination of creepy and kooky quite like Krige.  Maybe Marcia Gay Harden as Mrs.Carmody in The Mist is as good, but Krige made a career of it.  I mean, seriously: Sleepwalkers, Star Trek:First Contact, Habitat, the list goes on.  She has that weird, interesting little mouth and those razor cheek bones.

Apparently my memories of this film were entirely based on remembering the good stuff and forgetting everything else.  That unbridled insanity I spoke about at the beginning was what I retained, and had forgotten about the clunky exposition and meandering cult backstory.  It's almost like the movie literally stalls its engine, too: no sooner have the characters left the spooky cult church then Christophe Gans decides to get creative with the camera.  I think there was some intention of creating a sense of calm within the church but, if that was the intent, it fails pretty solidly and (worse) just stops the movie in its tracks.  But I think it picks up from here, though.

I feel like the in-movie mythology is kind of lacking, too: the two realities and dual natures and all that is actually quite muddy.  Performances and energy keep it from entirely falling apart, primarily by keeping the viewer too stimulated to look too closely at the script problems.  I know, I know, it's all borne out by the game (for the most part, anyway) and it's magic horror movie stuff but still...the presentation of plot is still sorely lacking.  But, who cares when you get those weird motion-sensor nurse demon zombies?  I mean, really.

Fffffuuuuckkk....

And then clumsy backstory flashback.  Eh.  I've seen worse, I suppose...but still.  Other than the shock value of lighting Jodelle Ferland on fire-and that IS pretty harsh-it's mostly pretty atypical dramatic irony...but, yeah, the totally horribly burned kid and all that IS pretty rough.  Not sure what the crinkly, old-timey film stock is about, either.  It's stylish but doesn't really add anything.  Couldn't Alessas' weird little deal with the devil couldn't, y'know, fix horrible burns and that shit?  I get that she split her good side off for some reason but, still, you could have at least enjoyed the hell you rained on your tormentors instead of maintaining the appearance of a char-broiled steak and laying in a tiny dirty room at the center of a basement.

Cybil's death is another of those "unbridled insanity" moments that tend to speak to me as a movie goer.  In a different film I may have protested at the inclusion of the scene because it is pretty manipulative and, if I'm being honest, a little unnecessary but there's something about this movie that justifies its own aggression in a way that isn't contemptuous or attempting to willfully harm its audience.  Maybe it's the commitment to camp that does peak its head out here and there, or maybe its because of the simple fact that it's a video game adaptation.  In the end it's probably a combination of those elements and just the fact that its non-video game influences are rooted in B-movie values.  Plus it sets up the totally over-the-top slaughter scene that makes up the climax and, hey, the movie needed that big time by this point.

It is somewhat odd that this film manages to walk a lot of lines without crossing over certain unwanted territory.  Like I said, there's some camp(as soon as Dark!Alessa shows up with chainlink razor wire, loud Organ music just leaps with reckless abandon into the soundtrack.  How that can that NOT be intended to be tongue-in-cheek?), there's a LOT of aggression, there's even a great deal of silliness but it keeps itself grounded, at least until it decides to just go for it (like Alice Krige getting razor wire up the bajingo and torn apart from the inside out, only for Dark!Alessa to dance gayly under the falling blood...I remember sitting and the theater and laughing out loud at the moment, and not out of humor but out of some weird "I don't know what I'm seeing anymore" hysteria).  I mean, this climax couldn't be any less subtle if it wanted to be.  Clearly, it doesn't.  But that audacity and aggression is paid off nicely by that abandon in the end.

The film's final moments don't really work for me, though.  Once the chaos has ended and we have the whole "stuck in an alternate reality" thing...just kind of leaves me cold.  Not the most satisfying way to end such an insane film.

Final Thoughts: Taken for what it is (which is, let's face it, a video game adaptation.  No judgement, it's just that it is), Silent Hill works considerably better than it has any right to.  By all accounts, this movie should have been unwatchable (if we learned anything from Doom and Super Mario Bros and countless others, it's that Hollywood doesn't have a great track record with video game films) but still manages to be a lot of different things for a lot of different people, and that's no small feat.  The actors all seem to be pretty committed, as does the production team and (most importantly) the director, not only to making a good horror film but a good adaptation to boot.  Not everything works: a really clumsy and even a little dull third act, occasionally underwhelming effects, muddy story...but, there are enough inspired moments of lunacy to keep things going.  It's no classic, but it's certainly an entertaining enough watch.

Final Rating: Three Stars.

Movie 143: My Bloody Valentine (2009)

Starring: Jensen Ackles, Jaime King, Kerr Smith, Kevin Tighe, Betsy Rue, Tom Atkins, Megan Boone.

Director: Patrick Lussier.

It seems fitting that, after watching David Borenaz' failed big screen debut, I move on to Jensen Ackles failed big screen debut.  Look, I'm a huge fan of Supernatural and Ackles, but...it didn't really play out well for the guy.  Technically, Ackles' co-star Jared Padalecki had more luck and even he didn't really make it as a movie star, either.  It's kind of a shame, both guys are actually pretty good actors.  But anyway, the big remake run of the 2000's produced this marginally interesting film (in 3D)...and now I have it on DVD because I knew Valentines Day was coming and I'm a dolt.

And it came with 3D glasses.

I decided not to do the 3D version because I need to type this stuff and that just seems like it would cause a headache.  Maybe some other time.  Anyway, we have an opening montage that suggests that awhile back there was some backstory involving a mine cave in and a lunatic murdered everyone to conserve his own air...and then was in a coma in a hospital and he wakes up and kills a bunch of people.

Then Jensen shows up as Tom (T.J. is not an option in 2009), who apparently has some issues with the mine after another cave-in?  He couldn't have been involved with the previous cave-in, could he?  Didn't they suggest it was a long time ago?  I know Ackles is easily in his early thirties at this point but he's clearly supposed to be considerably younger here.  

Well, that didn't take long...or are we doing some sort of dream sequence?  Already our masked killer has bumped off a couple people (including busting a guys eye out with a pick-axe, which probably looked better with 3D glasses on) and most of our leads are already running scared.  The body count is rising considerably quickly, but the scene keeps on going which is kind of suggesting that this isn't a dream?  Ooh, Ackles friends all left him behind to die.  Bummer, dude.  Anyway, his Girlfriend, the new version of Axel and some other blonde manage to escape, and Ackles is running around through the mines trying not to get killed...is this like the Friday The 13th remake where we have an earlier movie occurring BEFORE the real movie?  Yeah, seems like it is.  The killer attacking Ackles is taken down by the police, saving his life...which means that while Tom really didn't like the mines before he really isn't going to now...plus, his Girlfriend and their friends left him to die, which is probably going to put a damper on the relationship.

Jesus, really?  Ten years later?!  How old are these guys supposed to be?  Anyway, Axel is now Sheriff (don't know how that happened, he's a big coward and clearly a bit of a douche), he's now with Tom's ex...and he's also clearly having sex with her employee.  Glad to know that there will be no semi-mature interactions between these characters.  Oh, shit, Axel is married to Sarah here...and cheating on her.  No redemption for this assclown.  I still never quite understood the need for unsympathetic characters.  Like in the original, the character can be a rival without being a complete ass.  Might actually make things a bit more complex and emotionally satisfying, really.  If I ever get the opportunity to write mainstream horror, I'm going to make my antagonist characters actual characters instead of pushing immortality onto them unnecessarily.

Apparently Tom is back in town to sell the mine, which is apparently upsetting Kevin Tighe and...wait, what?  There's a Dwarf actress running the local motel.  I, uh...I got nothing for that.  This is followed up by a sex scene where the actress looks up at a mirror on the ceiling and comments on how hot she is.  Interesting. Anyway, Kevin Tighe (an excellent character actor who played John Locke's Dad on LOST) is pretty upset about Tom selling the joint.  That sex scene got pretty awkward...the trucker she's screwing was videotaping the whole thing, tells her she's "now" a whore after throwing money at her, and she (still naked, for the record) follows him out with a gun...and there's goofy clownish music playing.  This scene is very, very strange...and then the guy gets killed and the (still) naked woman is chased by the killer back to her motel room.  This movie went kind of insane.

The killer murders the Dwarf Actress (in spectacular fashion: pick-axe through the head, lifting her up and into the ceiling) for whatever reason, and then kills the naked girl.  I feel like the scene wants to be fun in a self aware kind of way but really it feels a little off-putting.  Like, trying to take some refuge in crazy audacity to make people titter or whatever.  It feels weird, though.

Tom runs into his old flame at the grocery store.  She is both happy to see him and really upset about it...he's apologetic about running away which I don't entirely understand, considering she LEFT HIM TO DIE AT THE HANDS OF A MAD MAN and then married his old friend who ALSO LEFT HIM TO DIE AT THE HANDS OF A MAD MAN.  But yeah, he should be sorry that he left after all of that trauma.  What a jerk, finding himself unable to live in the town where he nearly was butchered by a psychopath.

Everybody seems to be interested in blaming Tom for stuff.  Apparently he did cause the original cave in that caused the original psycho to murder his co-workers...kinda sorta.  But he didn't kill anybody...well, then anyway.  Pretty sure my memory banks remember him being the killer this time, though...but, honestly, if he wasn't I wouldn't blame him for any of this stuff: under those circumstances, he really has the right to get out of that town and sell the mine.  He nearly died.  But everyone keeps talking like he's in the wrong, and it's pissing me off in a big way.

Ackles seems really uncomfortable here.  It's not an extraordinary performance.  I don't think it's really his fault, though: he doesn't seem to quite have as much to do.  He's giving an honest try, I think, considering he IS playing up the trauma and shell shock of his grisly past (considering the mine has to make him REALLY uncomfortable after everything that's happened)...but it makes him kind of ineffectual and even a little bland.  Maybe if did more standing up for himself, like he did in the bar, the character might make things work a bit better. 

Why is the argument of whether or not the original psychopath is still alive even occurring?  Even if the original killer IS dead-and he assuredly is-that doesn't mean that people AREN'T being killed.  The existence of the guy is irrelevant.  Like, completely. All it means is that somebody else is the killer.

"I'm not running this time" is a stupid thing to say.  Sell the mine and get out of dodge.  Of course, he's actually Fight Clubbing this whole thing, so his leaving wouldn't really create a solution to the plot...well, okay, it would for everybody else but him. 

Kevin Tighe puts on a surprisingly good fight for an old man who took a pickaxe to the back.  It doesn't last long but it does happen.  I feel like this movie is taking up a long time...there's only so many retreads of the same scenes I can realistically sit through: Yes, Axel is a dick.  Yes, Tom is shady and kind of weird.  Yes, Axel is pretty sure Tom's the killer because they hate each other.  Uh...well, okay, everything else is basically just murder scenes and Jaime King looking confused.  There really are no other real characters besides Tom and Axel...nobody else has an arc at all.

So, the stock girl that the Sheriff was nailing on the side is killed without any revelation about the affair, which I suppose is somewhat realistic but is odd screen writing...and why didn't Sarah hit the alarm, like, ten minutes ago?  Bleh.  Okay, well the Sheriff shows up awfully quickly so...maybe when he finds a body there will be a revelation?  I would think that it would have to come up, right?  It is the basic essence of drama.  Chekov's Gun and all that.  

Wait, was that it?  "I'm not blind, Axel."  Did she know all along?  What?  For real?  That easy?  I'm not really sure why a son was even introduced for Axel and Sarah.  I don't think it was a necessary device under the circumstances.  It really isn't bringing anything to the table.  I'm not even sure he's had a line of dialogue that wasn't "Mommy" which...why is he here?  Even for a "well, kids in peril" scenario it doesn't add tension, primarily because neither Axel or Sarah are particularly interesting or sympathetic.  Maybe if the kid said some shit like the kid in Jerry Maguire or something I might be worried about him but...as of right this minute the kid is just a random child who basically means nothing in the narrative.

It's a little strange but not entirely unexpected that the narrative has switched entirely to Jaime King as Sarah, with the overall focus being on which man in her life is the actual murderer at this point, with both guys telling her it's the other.  It would help if Sarah was better fleshed out, or if either Tom or Axel were more ambiguous instead of both appearing constantly guilty.  I will say that it's somewhat clever making Tom the killer (eventually) in that it does play off and subvert two common movie audience assumptions: Jensen Ackles is a star and the lead, so not only must he be the hero but survival is guaranteed, and also the original My Bloody Valentine had Axel as the murderer.  So a savvy audience would be assuming the asshat Sheriff would have to be the murderer under those circumstances.  That's a little cheap, but it's at least a little clever..manipulative, maybe.  The alter-ego thing is kinda played out, but...well, like I said, it's not a bad subversion of audience expectations.

Y'know, Sarah, you could have just shot Tom.  Instead you let your Husband get into a fist fight with a psychopath.  I know your Husband is an asshole but, really...you had a gun, and could have ended this pretty quickly.  And, of course, Axel lost the fight, and THEN you fire at him.  Nice.

Hmm, there seems to be a tiny bit of possession material in here.  At least, enough to be a tad bit ambiguous about it....either Tom is just insane or he's possessed by the ghost of a serial killer.  It doesn't really change anything, it's just a little bit of business thrown in that might have been interesting to explore a little, which makes the fact that it's tossed in at the eleventh hour kind of disappointing.  

Final Thoughts: However, he does survive the film, which is a detail I like.  Actually, so does Axel and Sarah, which is surprising...especially Axel.  So, wait, Sarah forgives Axel and decides she still loves him, which I find obnoxious.  But having both the hero and the villain win is a nice surprise, and a concept not utilized very often.  It's not a strong film at all, but it gets points for trying to be different and, dare I say, even a little bit of fun.  Even though it's not a good movie, it manages to collect some goodwill due to it's enthusiasm.  A better script and more developed characters would have been nice, and a lot of this is really jumbled and uncomfortable, but...it does feel like there was some genuine effort involved.

Final Rating: Two and Half Stars.

Movie 142: My Bloody Valentine (1981)

Guess what's getting watched April 1st...

Starring: Paul Kelman, Lori Hallier, Neil Affleck, Keith Knight, Alf Hymphreys, Jack Van Evera.

Director: George Mihalka.

There's nothing that quite goes together like Miners and...Valentines Day.  But, hey, it was 1981 and random slasher pics were the name of the game back then.  Obviously, mixing the romantic holiday with murder and mayhem was something of a novelty and, really, gotta figure the producers slapped themselves in the foreheads and said "Holy shit, why didn't we think of this sooner?!"

Oh, right, I had kinda forgotten how weirdly surrealist this movie is now and again.  Two miners wander around in their masks, one of them takes the gear off and is a naked girl and everything is super weird...quite the spirited opener, really.  Then we see miners doing miner things, like making jokes and showering together.  I do kind of like the "The methane is gonna blow this place sky high one of these days!"  "Nah, we ain't that lucky!" exchange.

One homoerotic shower scene and a staggeringly large amount of "yee-haws" and we have a banjo scored driving montage where the Miners are going into town to raise some kind of hell, likely involving ladies...or each other...or both.  

The first words said when the Miners enter the dance hall is one of the blondes saying "Howard...stay away from me..."  Pretty smart girl, I'd say.  Anyway, there is some fun comedy bits happening here. You can see some of that Black Christmas influence pretty early on.  These guys are silly ruffians out for a good time.  Then stuff gets serious when the town elders discuss some unpleasantness that happened a decade ago, and the Mayor gets a human heart for a Valentine Gift.  A helpful and insane flashback shows us a crazy nutjob miner losing his mind and murdering a bunch of people...and, for some reason, insisting that no Valentines Day dance be held ever again.  I guess the mining accident that drove him crazy happened to be the holiday, which would fall under irony, of course.

Surprisingly discrete for an '81 slasher flick.  They cut away instead of allowing us to see the pickaxe killing the dance lady.  There's an interesting element to this film, considering it's primarily about men on Valentines Day.  This is mostly only interesting when compared to, say, Black Christmas (which was considerably female)...but we have a lot of guys hanging around, being guys, one of the guys is upset that his ex is now dating one of the other miners, and they have it out in a surprisingly...well, okay, it breaks down rather quickly, but they were being surprisingly adult about the situation at first.  The lead talks to the heavy set guy with the facial hair and admits to still liking his old friend, even though the guy is dating his old girlfriend.

This is apparently our only subplot: one of the guys has come back from a period away (he went out to find himself and was forced to return), only to discover his girlfriend is now dating his buddy, his Father is being a little hard on him.  So, it's already one up on Valentine anyway.  It actually has a subplot with characters having emotions that make sense.  

Then the main plot is the Mayor and The Sheriff trying to keep the whole "returning murderer" thing under wraps...because it would cause a panic?  Isn't a panic preferable to an unknowing population being bumped off?  But, anyway, we know it's not gonna work because horror movies are what they are...the Sheriff cancels the dance (under the pretense of respect for poor old Mabel, who officially "died of a heart attack."

Oh, boo, T.J.  When the girl says "I don't want to go with you" and you make her go anyway...not cool, dude.  Not cool.  I mean, it's a little understandable considering she kind of DOES want to go with him, considering their romantic past, and she isn't sure what she wants.  Both T.J. and the new guy look like neanderthals, so apparently Sarah has a type.  

Poor Sarah is now upset because she kissed T.J. and doesn't know what to tell Axel.  Her choices are between guys named T.J. and Axel.  Honestly, Sarah, this shouldn't be hard: the answer is clearly to move away and never speak to either guy again.  Anyway, T.J. says the party will be in the mine because nothing says romance like a cavernous, soot stained hall of despair and toil where men died in a cave-in and ate one another.

Oddly enough, the bartender decides to prank them with a fake miner costume thing...which amuses him greatly.  Like, nobody has ever found anything this funny ever.  Of course, it gets him murdered because why wouldn't it?  I preferred the previous scene where he chastises one of the miners "be careful what you make fun of, you little idiot!"

Oh, okay, the party isn't IN the mine but at the rec room at the mine site.  That makes a little more sense.  Actually, it kind of makes a lot of sense really.  It IS a rec room with pool tables and snack machines, central heating, a working kitchen and stuff, and is in a remote location.  I'm surprised nobody thought of it sooner.

Aww, that was kind of sad.  The Sheriff gets a box of chocolates and thinks it's the killer...only to discover that it was from Mabel.  Aww.  Then a guy gets drowned in a pot of boiling hot dog water.  Eww.

I hope the heavy set guy with the epic mustache lives.  He's the best character in the movie.  Anyway, we get more of the romantic subplot, where Sarah actually tells them they're acting like jerks, and then they fight over her...and the fat guy with the mustache breaks it up!  That guy is the best!  I have no idea what his name is, but he's the greatest.  Sarah should hook up with him.  Instead she says "I just don't care anymore, leave me alone" in one of my favorite things in the whole movie.  Sarah should be telling these guys to fuck off.  

Apparently nobody noticed the hot dog guy go missing, since they just dump more water on the hot dogs like nothing happened.  Well, okay, his corpse is in the fridge and they miss it because they aren't paying attention.  Okay.  That's actually kinda funny.  I kind of wish I had some hot dogs right now.  I should get some hot dogs tomorrow or something.

One of my favorite things about movies from the early eighties is that certain fashions from the seventies haven't entirely died out yet...one of these guys looks like he's ready for a Disco to break out at any moment.  It's kind of amazing.

Aww, heavy set mustache guy, (I think his name is Mike) you shouldn't take them down into the horrible depressing mines.  That's a terrible idea, and will likely get you killed.  He does have a really good looking Girlfriend, though, so that's kinda rad.  Okay, his name is Hollis.  He's awesome.  He's also making a huge mistake bringing them into the abandoned part of the mine.  To be fair to Hollis, he doesn't know a killer is on the loose but still...no one knows there down there, it's really kind of dangerous down there for experienced miners let alone idiots with no mining prowess.

Huh.  That was kinda cool.  T.J. takes charge, sending the ancillary characters away and then he and Axel team up to go save Sarah and the others from down in the mine.  It's a surprisingly mature moment between two grown-ups and not a dynamic we see very often in films.  The romantic rivals actually put aside their differences when the safety of the Woman they both love is in danger.

Hollis is assuredly going to die, and it's a bummer.  He actually did a "scare the girls in the dark" thing.  Pretty surefire way to die in a slasher flick.  Anyway, T.J. finds him and the others and mobilizes Hollis, which is actually really cool.  Hollis runs off to try and find their missing friends, because he also knows the mines and is capable.  I like it.  It's gonna get him killed, but I like it.  Hollis, you the man.

Never Forget.

Hollis gets himself killed, falling down in front of Patty, Sarah and the other doof.  Then the killer is coming after them...poor Patty is really upset.  I understand, Patty.  I loved him, too.  Now really isn't the time to freak out about it, though, Patty: you can grieve later, for now you need to get the hell out of there.  But, somebody had to become The Load and it appears Patty has drawn the short straw.

Something tells me that Patty isn't going to live much longer.  She apparently is having some issues climbing a ladder for whatever reason.  Luckily for her, her friends seem pretty comfortable carrying her like a bag lunch.  The true best way to survive a horror film: make sure you have friends who are willing to drag you along.  Don't be the friends trying to be a hero, be the one who needs to be carried.  

Well, there goes Patty.  Not too surprising: these movies usually only allow the designated couples to survive.  Hollis and Patty never really stood a chance, despite being the nicest folks in the movie.  But now we seem to be down to Sarah, with both Axel and T.J. more or less missing...

We should be coming up on the end here...if memory serves, Axel is the killer, right?  He thinks he's the guy from the past?  I remember the ending being a tad confusing.  Or is it T.J?  My memory may not be serving all that well, it's been many years since I've watched this film.  It probably isn't T.J. since he's currently fighting the bad guy now, which would suggest Axel.  I just can't remember what his motivation was...Sarah would kind of make sense, but not really.  Is he the historic killers kid?  Anyway, I like the fight between T.J. and the killer.  Not enough horror films ever really involve characters actually attempting to fight back on even terms.  The guy IS just a guy, after all...I'd take a swing at him with a shovel, too.  

Oh, right.  Axel witnessed the historic killer murder his Dad so now he's gone nuts and has decided to murder everybody for whatever reason.  Oh, well, it doesn't need to really make sense.  

The town probably should have done a better job dealing with the emotional and psychological damage of a massacre: The Mayor notes that Axel witnessed his Father's death and...apparently they just figured he'd be fine?  Axel runs off laughing to himself and swearing revenge on the town...so everybody is exactly where they left off.

Final Thoughts: This was actually kind of fun in places.  Nothing extraordinary, just a fun, stupid 1981 slasher film starring people from Minnesota or whatever.  But we'll always have Hollis.  Always.  Happy Valentines Day, Hollis.

Final Rating: Two and a half stars.

Movie 141: Valentine (2001)

Starring: David Boreanaz, Denise Richards, Marley Shelton, Katherine Heigl, Jessica Capshaw.

Director: Jamie Blanks.

I had so much enthusiasm, like, three days ago to do some Valentine's Day related films for this blog but now the day has come and I feel like I'm just going to be dragging myself through them. Sometimes this blog is more work than I would normally admit.  But, I told myself I was going to do them, so here I am.  

I actually went to see this movie on a Valentine's Day date, interestingly enough.  The date went pretty well and she and I saw each other for the better part of a year...it obviously didn't work out, since here I am at 33 spending my Valentine's Day alone watching David Boreanaz's failed attempt at moving beyond television.  Happy Valentine's Day to all.

Wow, it's a pretty painful opener here: geeky kid gets his day ruined by bullies (apparently there were no adults there to supervise the dance?) and then a loser strikes out with Katherine Heigl...and is incredibly creepy and off putting about it.  Then the credits tell me that Rick Bota was the Director of Photography (yay!) and that there were four different screenwriters involved in the making of this film (uh-oh).  This would suggest re-writes, either because the original script was terrible or producers needed to tailor it to something else they wanted...either way, it's never a good sign.

So, wait, the nerd from a middle school dance spent his whole life waiting to get revenge on the girls who wouldn't dance with him?  I kind of get his being angry with the chubby chick who said he attacked her or whatever, but the other girls just...turned him down.  I mean, sure, they weren't particularly nice about it but still.  They should have just called this "male privilege:the movie."  This fact makes me very irritable, and this thing has been on for less than ten minutes.  

The killers' Cherub mask also irritates me, but not as much as the Heigl deciding to hide in a friggin' body bag.  Seriously?  Then we follow that up with a montage of weirdos at a speed dating thing, where a pair of two fairly insipid young women talk to a bunch of male stereotypes...I don't know which side of that scene I need to be more pissed at.  

Finally, here's David Boreanaz to deliver awkward, stilted dialogue with our vacant-faced lead.  I've always said that he looks weird playing any role that isn't Angel.  He was awesome as Angel.  One of my top ten TV characters of all time.  Here he's...wooden.  This movie really has no idea how to introduce characters: a couple more Women wander up after Angel leaves, and the screenwriters just kind of plop them there with no real explanation (yeah, sure, we have them all act friendly with each other so we know they have some sort of relationship but that's about it), and now we're following an entirely new character.  Well, we can gather that she was the girl who accused the geek of stuff at the beginning because she has the same name.  Man, this movie is sloppy.  Yeah, I can gather the facts (these are the same girls from the beginning) but...it's bad storytelling.

Seriously, putting maggots inside chocolates is SO much effort for petty revenge.  Actually, that might make some sense as payback for their rejections.  Certainly more than outright murder at any rate.

This movie has no plot.  It's just characters wandering around talking about boys, their random encounters as kids (seriously, this movie takes place in a Universe where everyone apparently maintains a vivid memory of their sixth grade lives.  I haven't thought about sixth grade since seventh grade), and shitty postmodernism art shows...and everybody, guy or girl, is insipid and vacant.  I don't think any of these characters have anything resembling a thought.  

Boreanaz is the best thing about this movie, mostly because he has some natural charisma.  His performance is still off, but the guy works hard.  Hey, the Detective is pointing out the plot hole.  The concept of a guy who was *gasp* sent to reform school in sixth grade wouldn't plan an intricate revenge plot.  No, screenwriters, he wouldn't.  You could have thrown some sort of disfigurement or violence or the killing of his hamster or ANYTHING other than some rejection or humiliation that occurred fifteen years ago.

Well, okay, at least the detective says that the guy went crazy and did some loony tunes action...but still, we're saying the guy WENT INSANE BECAUSE GIRLS REJECTED HIM IN SIXTH GRADE.  By this movies logic, I wouldn't be getting anything done because I'd be too busy murdering hundreds of Women.  Considering the incredibly long string of rejections I've suffered and still suffer frequently, the list would be longer than the list of horror films I'm planning to do for this blog by the end of the year cycle.  I mean, seriously.

Ugh.  Movie.  The Detective hits on Denise Richards, and then the killer discovers the weirdo neighbor trying on the leads underwear in her room.  Jeez, movie.

Y'know, I'm half tempted to like Dorothy even though this is all her fault.  The actress is giving a good enough performance of a girl with confidence issues and the like...also, this guy she likes is clearly gay, or a con man, or both.  Actually, it appears to be the latter.  Anyway, her deep seated emotional issues actually makes her a little sympathetic...well, to me, anyway.  I'm not sure that this sympathy is actually what the movie intends...but I don't think we're supposed to see this guy trying to steal her money as a justified act...but at this point, trying to understand the motivations of this hot mess of a film is giving me a headache.

Way too many movies attempt to play the "unlikable" cast card.  It's really annoying.  Denise Richards dances...the facial expression she makes looks like she's having trouble going to the bathroom.  God, this movie is so random.  There is no scene cohesion or narrative flow or anything resembling a plot...I think it probably needed another couple of writers.  I don't know whether to laugh or cry.

Oh, god, eww.  Guy shows Paige his penis and...y'know what, I can't even describe the horror happening on screen right now.  This sense of entitlement to sexual activity is so disgusting that I can't even see it as any sort of commentary or judgement.  It's just gross.  Paige is going to get him back with some good old fashioned genital melting with a candle...but still.  Eww.

Why is every single male in this movie horrible?  Like, every single one.  That and most of the Women.  I think my favorite character-besides poor sad Dorothy-is the bitchy rich lady who shows up to tell Dorothy her boyfriend is a thief.  She serves no purpose (even her telling Dorothy that information is irrelevant because a)the guy is already dead and b)it has no bearing on the plot whatsoever) other than get chased around and killed (which takes a shockingly long time, considering she really is just a day player and not one of our major characters).

So, Denise Richards knows that a stalker (and probably murderer) is leaving valentines warnings...but she finds a rose and goes to seek out who left it?  Instead of running off to find friends, she searches for her newfound admirer?  I mean, what in the actual hell?  You deserve to die.  Oh, right, the hot tub/drill death.  I remember my date liking that one death scene way back when.  It's not bad, as far as a slasher movie kills go.  It's clever, strongly conceived and pretty well photographed.  

Did the movie suddenly realize that Dorothy was getting too sympathetic so they wrote her a random freak out scene where she tells the lead off? Where she unloads about over a decade of repressed anger and resentment (again, this has never come up since SIXTH GRADE you guys) in the middle of what one would at least theoretically understand as a crisis?  I mean, sure, they don't KNOW that people are dying...well, not entirely.  The pace of this film is so maddeningly idiotic that there's no reason this film should start making sense now.

Also, why is the movie asking me to suddenly hate Boreanaz?  Because he broke his promise and had some booze he's now the prime suspect?  Does she not realize that relapse is part of recovery?  But the movie needed to try and push the "who is the killer" subplot that they spent a whole two or three minutes barely establishing so...oh, who cares anymore?  I seem to remember that he IS the killer anyway, which is good because his sudden crazy behavior would really be weird...even though, again, if memory serves, he manages to convince her that he isn't and that Dorothy is the actual killer...or was Dorothy the actual killer and he is the nerdy kid from before?  I don't really care, just wanna get my facts straight.  I assume Dorothy is the killer because her wallpaper is plaid, which makes no sense at all.

Okay, so he shoots the person wearing the mask and it turns out to be Dorothy...but then he gets the signature nose bleed....so, we're assuming he put the mask on her and set her up to make the lead believe him?  Or was she the killer? I'd have to assume he set her up, right?  

Final Thoughts: Garbage.  A couple of almost (but not quite) passable performances and a so-so hot tub murder sequence are the only highlights of a truly atrocious script.  I'm sorry your film career never took off, Angel.  I know you ended up on Bones for, like, a century so you can't be too hard up but...

Final Rating: One Star.

Movie 140: Soul Survivors (2001)

With a foil cover, like 1996 Comic Books!

Starring: Melissa Sagemiller, Eliza Dushku, Wes Bentley, Casey Affleck, Angela Featherstone, Luke Wilson.

Director: Steve Carpenter.

I'm not sure how this idiotic retread of Carnival Of Souls got made, let alone how they got the cast they did to actually be IN this thing.  Bentley was hot off of American Beauty, Dushku had been on marginally popular cult show Buffy:The Vampire Slayer, and people had kinda/sorta heard of Affleck and Wilson.  Granted, nobody had ever heard of Melissa Sagemiller, and really never did again.  Well, okay, she eventually went on to do some pretty important TV work but the joke doesn't work with that truth, so let's just pretend she never went on to work again, shall we?  

Anyway, haven't watched this movie in years, kind of reluctant to do it now, but a friend of mine requested I do it awhile back and he recently, like, broke his face so I'm going to riff away on this movie like it's my god-given purpose in life to cheer the poor guy up.  Not that he needs cheering up, 'cause that's kind of his jam, but it makes a good enough reason to force myself to get through this thing.

I think I'm going to need a beer, though.

Nothing quite says "violent rapey attack" like techno music.  Good choice, movie.  That really sold the graphic nature of the aggressive moment on screen for me.  We then cut to...wait, was that NOT the lead getting murdered on screen just now?  Did they cast a blonde who looked just like the lead for that scene?  That's kind of confusing.  

Casey Affleck and Wes Bentley have a charming moment of exposition where they discuss who is more pathetic: Affleck, the current boyfriend, for helping the lead pack for College when she's not going to the same school, or Bentley, the ex boyfriend, for helping the lead pack...y'know what, the point of the scene was to establish that Bentley isn't dating her anymore.  It doesn't matter anyway.  None of this matters.  If nothing else, Soul Survivors fills me with an existential nihilism that makes me realize that all life and happiness is fleeting and temporary.  There is no heaven, there is no hell, we are but mildly evolved organisms that, due to cosmic accident, happen to exist on a planet that will eventually be destroyed by the very sun that gives us life.  Our emotions are illusions of independence, our art is nothing more but a fake eloquence.  We pay money to watch movies with Casey Affleck in them.  We came from nothing and, one day, that is where we will return.

Anyway, not that it matters, our four leads (good girl Cassie, good boy Sean, bad girl Annabel and bad guy Matt) decide to go to a campus party and discover, to their chagrin, that it is lame.  So they go to some goth-rave-thingy at a converted church with fire and goth leather, and Dushku and Sagemiller grinding and writhing and, especially in the case of Dushku, apparently having a seisure on the dance floor.  They are then targeted by the mask wearing guys from the pre-credits sequence.  There's some awkward romance from Sagemiller and Affleck.  Then Bentley hits on Sagemiller.  It's also awkward, but for different reasons, probably because Bentley has trouble appearing like anything other than a serial killer.  His weird "one last kiss" bit doesn't help the "I'm not a serial killer" vibe, either.  Obviously, they kiss, her boyfriend sees it and he's pretty upset.  Of course, he DID just say he loved her for the first time, so...kissing another dude was kind of a poor decision.  

Anyway, Cassie is distracted by the drama and rams into the car of the masked psychos and everybody crashes into a marsh or something.  Then they are whisked away to a hospital where Cassie has a strange protracted surgery sequence, and then we're at Casey Afflecks funeral, then Cassie is in class....wow, this movie apparently has attention deficit disorder.  

Lots of Church imagery in this movie already.  I suppose that's nice-the buildings and gazebos and all are nice looking-but it's also really obvious as a visual device.  What college is she going to, anyway?  They mentioned Bentley went to Harvard but...and wait, does she have a huge loft apartment as a Freshman?  That's insane.  How am I to relate to her under those circumstances?  It's no wonder she has trouble dealing with her life: she has Casey Affleck reading lines in her head at all times.  I don't think I could live with that kind of stuff.

Dushku shows up to look and act like a goth barbie psychopath.  She also brings an androgynous Angela Featherstone, looking like some sort of cross between Boy George and Robert Smith, and is psychic or the devil or something...and WAY overacting.  Anyway, Cassie tells them she doesn't want to go partying, 'cause she's a good girl and has a midterm and also she's sad...and then she goes out by herself anyway.  She's attacked, and then she has a "flashback" to her surgery...I forgot how heavily this movie tipped its hand: the angelic Luke Wilson, the churches and gazebo, the hell-like night club, the obvious "flashbacks" and the dreams about Casey Affleck.  They may as well just flashed "By the way, all of this is their fighting to find out if they're going to live, go to heaven or hell, and stuff.  You guys get that, right?  THEY ARE ALL STILL IN SURGERY" across the screen. Or maybe have Wes Bentley turn and look at the camera and say it in his monotone, crazy-man voice.  Holy crap, they more or less actually DID flash it across the screen.  The questions on her midterm basically say it directly.  It's extraordinary.

Weird painting montage makes me feel weird.  Like, suddenly, it's a sitcom.  Then there's Dushku and Sagemiller washing paint off of each other in the shower.  They're clothed, so it isn't THAT pornographic but...well, it's kind of a fake suggestiveness.  I can't say it's actually suggestive because, well, that would require actual filmmaking.  But it wants to be suggestive.  I don't even know entirely how to adequately convey the ineptness of this film.  

And then there was Eliza Dushku and Angela Featherstone licking one another, because that's how hedonistic people do their sexy stuff, and Featherstone's breasts.  Okay, not sure what was to be gained from that...this movie really wants to be sexually charged and subversive but ultimately comes across like a kid who just found his first porno magazine.  Even the "sexy" stuff seems really sterilized and remote, like someone who has only heard about sex from secondhand sources trying to write a letter to Penthouse.  

Casey Affleck pops back up to basically outright say the films twist to the audience as well.  Cassie starts running around like a lunatic, because she wishes to take the word of people she likes less (who basically rape her, by the way: Bentley had sex with her when she wasn't really all there) over the word of her boyfriend, since she basically believes that he's dead and they're not...of course, Affleck only alludes to things instead of saying "Hey, you're in a hospital and you need to wake up" or whatever.  

Considering that this film is essentially a pre-death coma dream, you'd think there'd be more of a surrealist style...or a style of any kind.  Show me danger, show me confusion, contrast that with safety and serenity when in the presence of Luke Wilson...instead every scene is more or less presented with the same primetime soap opera, soft lighting, melodramatic posturing.  Plus, awkward attempts at scandalous values and no real sense of scene cohesion.  Like, Anabelle was pissed at Cassie and Matt but now they all get along?  Okay.

Hmm.  One actual thing I kind of like: Dushku and Bentley actually are agents of hell(?) or the afterlife or whatever, and are actually attempting to convert her to joining their side of the equation.  However, heaven doesn't really seem to be represented, so maybe it's just the afterlife.  But Dushku says "You just want to stay here, don't you, so you can have everything and we get shit."  I like the idea of already dead people hanging out in purgatorial space trying to usher people to the great beyond.

What I don't like is this weird techno/alt-rock score to violence scenes.  Seriously, what the hell is this shit?  Is this a horror scene or a Daft Punk show?  How about music that actually tonally fits the action on screen?  Assholes!

The beer I drank was of little solace.  Probably because I came to the realization that somewhere in this meaningless civilization someone positively, and without irony, loves Soul Survivors.  This fact will certainly make me cry myself to sleep tonight.

I've more or less given up on really working with this movie anymore.  I'm just waiting for it to end.  As the narrative attempts to convey an out-of-control spiral, the movie actually literally spirals out-of-control.  Cassie goes home, finds Annabelle on the porch...she points Cassie out to the police, she's hit by a car and...back to surgery and...man, I think(hope) this is essentially ending.  Oh, lord, movie, we get it: I don't need Cassie running through the hospital and seeing all the people she saw in her little coma fantasy all dead in real life.  You were not that subtle.  You, actually, were the opposite of subtle.  You telegraphed absolutely everything.  You haven't earned any of this, especially not this overacting on the part of our lead as she runs down hallways occasionally stopping to scream unconvincingly at nothing.

Cassie says she would die for Casey Affleck.  I could only ask "why?"  Of course, it would help if I knew anything whatsoever about his character, which I don't, since he basically had two minutes of screen time.  He tries hard with his scenes, though, I'll give him that.  Anyway, her eternal love for the two-dimensional kid allows her to survive and escape from her coma-thingy and I just want this to end.  Please end.  Now.

Nope, we get another dream sequence and she wakes up next to her boyfriend and...now end.  Please.  End.  End now.  Now.

Credits.  With The Deftones song "Change" which is actually a pretty okay song and much better than this movie deserves.  But, it's over.  It's all over.

Final Thoughts: If I ever have the opportunity to meet Eliza Dushku at an autograph signing, I will ask her to autograph my VHS copy of Soul Survivors.  When she asks me how she should sign it, I will reply: "I apologize, Nathaniel.  Love, Eliza Dushku."  I will then ask her to reimburse me for the $2.99 I paid for this tape in 2003 or whenever the hell it was.  When the aforementioned transaction is complete, I will then-without breaking eye contact with her-throw the VHS into the nearest garbage can.

Final Rating: 1 star.

Movie 139: Fear Dot Com (2002)

Starring: Stephen Dorff, Natascha McElhone, Stephen Rea, Udo Kier, Amelia Curtis, Jeffery Combs.

Director: William Malone.

I think I actually saw this in theaters way back in '02 when it came out and was pretty sure it was a ridiculous piece of claptrap and laughed myself silly.  So, here I am, fourteen years later, about to watch it for my silly little blog.  I remember primarily wondering what sins Stephen Dorff and Natascha McElhone had committed to deserve this fate-worse-than-career-death.  I'm certain I will wonder this again before too long.  

Anyway, for those of you who were born much later than me: we actually believed for awhile that the internet would totally murder us all.  So, tech-based horror films and thrillers actually became, like, a THING in the early 2000's.  We didn't find the movies terribly convincing, though...in fact, it might be movies like Fear Dot Com that might actually have made us realize that there wasn't anything to be afraid of, except maybe that they would make more movies like Fear Dot Com.

I think Udo Kier might be my favorite C-Movie character actor ever.  This guy seemingly turns up in tons of crummy horror flicks, usually lending his own always-credible gravitas to the role.  Seriously, Kier is always credible, no matter what the role or how hammy he's being.  He's just that guy.  It's no wonder why he's always cast.  Anyway, he appears here for about five minutes to look scared at flickering lights and an overly stylized little girl with a bad wig before getting hit by a subway train.

Natascha McElhone is a lovely Woman, and her American accent isn't half bad.  As she gets out of bed in full-on pajamas (they match and everything, no t-shirt and stuff for this gal) and shoves her feet into her slippers she finds a dead mouse.  She takes it in stride, thanking her feline friend for the present...not sure what, exactly, we were supposed to get out of that introduction, except that maybe she's an exterminator?  Maybe?  Anyway, we then cut to Detective Stephen Dorff-sporting perpetual five o'clock shadow, suspenders...the whole cliche-going over Kiers body, sharing some clunky exposition with his partner Jeffery Combs (Dorff is tortured by an unsolved case, because of course he is)...and then a poorly created early 2000's website getting subscribers for live murder stuff.  Wow.  This movie is VERY 2002.  As Dorff and Combs examine some guys apartment, it's filled with grungy lighting and...well, grungy everything, really.  

The first thing our Detective does when discovering a body in a bathtub is stick his hand in the water and touch the corpse.  Nice thinking,  Detective.  Anyway, because victims are apparently bleeding from the eyes,  Natascha gets called in.  Apparently, she's with the CDC or something.  SHE thinks about putting evidence in plastic bags without touching them.  Anyway, they do some awkward pseudo flirting and, for some reason, she is allowed to watch what's on the video with the Detective.  Why would she get to do that?  She's not a cop.  The folks who were bleeding from the eyes helpfully filmed absolutely every single second of their last moments on Earth-as one does-and lead our heroes to a website.

Meanwhile, Stephen Rae lures an idiotic blonde to an abandoned warehouse by saying she looks like a star and he'd love her to be in his movie.  Because that's a thing that people obviously do, she shows up to an overly stylized dark warehouse and is totes kidnapped.  With as much theatrics as humanly possible.  Flashing stage lights and grainy cameras...then Natascha's boss acts weird and has a nosebleed so we know he watched the same website, sees the little girl with the bad wig...for some reason he gets into his car and all the cigarettes in his ash tray as still smoldering...oh, hey, it wasn't a goof like I thought.  They call attention to it.  Anyway, he dies of a car accident.  

So, yeah, Stephen Rea torments girl on bad streaming website, where he shows his face in full view. Rea attempts to ham it up a bit up, with atypical horror criminal monologues, especially involving the "intimacy of death" and all the various elements of life that are available "on the internet" and so on and so forth.  I really have nothing to really analyze, save for the silliness of a Detective saying "The only connection is they all owned personal computers" and some book on online spiritualism and stuff....and, wait, why was Natascha allowed to take VIDEO OF A DEATH home with her?!  Movie?  Movie?  Because she did, rather than the Detective whose job it is to actually figure this all out, she notices that everyone died with twenty four hours of watching the feardotcom website....and sees a ghost in the frame or whatever...then we have a forensic programmer who takes a look at the different hardrives of the victims.  Apparently, forensic programmers make a lot of money because her apartment is massive.  

Okay, so if Stephen Rae built this website stuff....how did he pull this off?  Like, at all?  There's just...sooooo much wrong with this logic.  I mean, an interactive flash site with a human woman that talks to the audience...unless he managed to PUT the ghost in the machine, but I feel like that isn't the case but it HAS been fourteen years since I've seen this so maybe he did.  

Does Natascha have no other job responsibilities?  Like, nothing else but to hang out at the police station with Dorff?  Paperwork to fill out or something?  She then gives Dorff orders, actually READ the book they found (again, excellent work, Detective), and tracks down the writer.  The scene with the writer might be the only scene I've enjoyed thus far.  The writer admits that the book he wrote was a "load of shit" and he only wrote it to buy a new car.  But Kier apparently took all the info-that any energy, including the human soul-could be transferred on the internet.  Amusingly, in hindsight, he got this idea from Telephone wires.  

Anyway, this apparently leads our heroes to finally put it all together: the internet has ghosts and shit, and the ghost is killing anyone forty-eight hours after they watch the website...which, really, should probably have made the site defunct by now.  I mean, how many people are going to an unlisted (presumably, if they're finding this via a metacrawler search or whatever it was we were using in '02, then the good guys just deserve to lose) murder site anyway?  Jesus, I have two hundred facebook friends and, like, five of them read this blog.  If a ghost killed everyone who read this blog, I'd literally never reach anyone else.  Ever. Plus, I'd have ten less facebook friends.  Anyway, the ghost also manifests a bunch of cockroaches, our forensic programmer writes binary code all over her apartment and then throws herself out of a window.

Out of nowhere, Dorff and Nastascha have a romantic scene or whatever because this type of movie requires it. She asks him not watch the site. He hugs her, then we see her in bed, he goes to the programmers apartment and, obviously-because promises to Women don't count-goes right onto the website.  Nice work, Detective.

Immediately, he is beset by overly stylized cliches-pale, naked, ghostly women who puke up blood, medical experimentation visuals, ghost children, He is then chased by a bouncing ball.  It's silly.

I feel very much like the "tortured woman ghost" is derivative of another film (or films) but I can't quite place it. It's so very specific in its style and structure: the stringy hair, the apparatus in the mouth, and so on. Like, another movie is definitely to blame for this, but I don't know which one.  This is frustrating, because I want something to blame for this.  Wait, did The Cell predate this?  Yes, it did.  Maybe I can blame that, then.  I should really do The Cell for this blog...I don't own it, though, but maybe I can fix that.  Terrible Jennifer Lopez performance aside-and that lousy third act-The Cell is a gorgeous film.

Anyway, after Dorff insists in his delirium that Natascha not go to the website, she takes a page from his book and goes ahead and does it anyway.  She handles the horrific imagery a bit better than Dorff does...then she goes and insists on seeing the files on Dorff's cold case.  Again, despite her definitely NOT being a cop, Jeffery Combs just allows her to do this.  Cannot stress this enough: she is NOT a cop, being allowed to look through murder evidence whenever she wants.  

Yes, a magic homeless Women is exactly the kind of device this film needed.  Natascha, doing a MUCH better job of dealing with the whole crazy hallucination thing than Dorff (considering he was taken to a hospital within minutes of exposure while she took a nap and then went investigating) by talking to the Mother of the girl murdered in Dorff's cold case.  After three minutes of conversation, Natascha knows EXACTLY where this girls corpse likely is (because Dorff is a really, really bad detective), and there's a magic homeless woman who was "expecting her."  Then the homeless lady points to some sewer water and, lo and behold, there is the girls corpse!  Dorff should be fired.  What a lousy detective this guy is.

I'm getting the impression that Natascha didn't call in finding the body...and now the ghost is coming after her directly for whatever reason.  The ghost keeps saying "find me" and Natascha is attacked by a green screen.  Oh, okay, she did.  Dorff also crawled his way out of the hospital so we can get on with the third act.  He still isn't doing very well, though, while she can apparently still drive a car and everything.   Again, movie, Natascha is NOT a cop.  Dorff bringing her with him to arrest the serial killer responsible for everything is almost certain to cause problems for you later.  But, sure, go on right ahead and search his apartment with a civilian in tow.  

This movie is really terrible.  Natascha is really the only thing it has going for it, and she looks like she's kinda lost half the time. Anyway, they manage to find out where the bad guy is...call Combs, who gets killed off camera.  The bad guy easily shoots Dorff, too (Worst. Detective. Ever.)  The killer also apparently recognizes the lipstick of the girl he killed years ago?  Okay.  Anyway, he has Natascha in his evil clutches and then Dorff types the url into the bad guys computer so the ghost can attack.  Oh, man, seeing Dorff hit the enter button like he's pushing a self destruct button made me totally laugh.

Ah, NOW I know what this is derivative of!  The remake of House on Haunted Hill in 1999 was directed by the same director and featured a LOT of similar imagery.  Oddly enough, I think that film was actually better than this one.  So, now I know who and what to blame.

Dorff is such a lousy cop he can't even manage to NOT DIE.  You suck at this.

Final Thoughts: Other than Natascha being a sentimental favorite-she was great in Ronin-this movie is otherwise almost entirely irredeemable.  I don't even think I have the time or the will to list the multiple reasons why.  Cliche, derivative, nonsensical and poorly produced.  Bleh.

Final Rating: One and Half Stars.