Movie 143: My Bloody Valentine (2009)

Starring: Jensen Ackles, Jaime King, Kerr Smith, Kevin Tighe, Betsy Rue, Tom Atkins, Megan Boone.

Director: Patrick Lussier.

It seems fitting that, after watching David Borenaz' failed big screen debut, I move on to Jensen Ackles failed big screen debut.  Look, I'm a huge fan of Supernatural and Ackles, but...it didn't really play out well for the guy.  Technically, Ackles' co-star Jared Padalecki had more luck and even he didn't really make it as a movie star, either.  It's kind of a shame, both guys are actually pretty good actors.  But anyway, the big remake run of the 2000's produced this marginally interesting film (in 3D)...and now I have it on DVD because I knew Valentines Day was coming and I'm a dolt.

And it came with 3D glasses.

I decided not to do the 3D version because I need to type this stuff and that just seems like it would cause a headache.  Maybe some other time.  Anyway, we have an opening montage that suggests that awhile back there was some backstory involving a mine cave in and a lunatic murdered everyone to conserve his own air...and then was in a coma in a hospital and he wakes up and kills a bunch of people.

Then Jensen shows up as Tom (T.J. is not an option in 2009), who apparently has some issues with the mine after another cave-in?  He couldn't have been involved with the previous cave-in, could he?  Didn't they suggest it was a long time ago?  I know Ackles is easily in his early thirties at this point but he's clearly supposed to be considerably younger here.  

Well, that didn't take long...or are we doing some sort of dream sequence?  Already our masked killer has bumped off a couple people (including busting a guys eye out with a pick-axe, which probably looked better with 3D glasses on) and most of our leads are already running scared.  The body count is rising considerably quickly, but the scene keeps on going which is kind of suggesting that this isn't a dream?  Ooh, Ackles friends all left him behind to die.  Bummer, dude.  Anyway, his Girlfriend, the new version of Axel and some other blonde manage to escape, and Ackles is running around through the mines trying not to get killed...is this like the Friday The 13th remake where we have an earlier movie occurring BEFORE the real movie?  Yeah, seems like it is.  The killer attacking Ackles is taken down by the police, saving his life...which means that while Tom really didn't like the mines before he really isn't going to now...plus, his Girlfriend and their friends left him to die, which is probably going to put a damper on the relationship.

Jesus, really?  Ten years later?!  How old are these guys supposed to be?  Anyway, Axel is now Sheriff (don't know how that happened, he's a big coward and clearly a bit of a douche), he's now with Tom's ex...and he's also clearly having sex with her employee.  Glad to know that there will be no semi-mature interactions between these characters.  Oh, shit, Axel is married to Sarah here...and cheating on her.  No redemption for this assclown.  I still never quite understood the need for unsympathetic characters.  Like in the original, the character can be a rival without being a complete ass.  Might actually make things a bit more complex and emotionally satisfying, really.  If I ever get the opportunity to write mainstream horror, I'm going to make my antagonist characters actual characters instead of pushing immortality onto them unnecessarily.

Apparently Tom is back in town to sell the mine, which is apparently upsetting Kevin Tighe and...wait, what?  There's a Dwarf actress running the local motel.  I, uh...I got nothing for that.  This is followed up by a sex scene where the actress looks up at a mirror on the ceiling and comments on how hot she is.  Interesting. Anyway, Kevin Tighe (an excellent character actor who played John Locke's Dad on LOST) is pretty upset about Tom selling the joint.  That sex scene got pretty awkward...the trucker she's screwing was videotaping the whole thing, tells her she's "now" a whore after throwing money at her, and she (still naked, for the record) follows him out with a gun...and there's goofy clownish music playing.  This scene is very, very strange...and then the guy gets killed and the (still) naked woman is chased by the killer back to her motel room.  This movie went kind of insane.

The killer murders the Dwarf Actress (in spectacular fashion: pick-axe through the head, lifting her up and into the ceiling) for whatever reason, and then kills the naked girl.  I feel like the scene wants to be fun in a self aware kind of way but really it feels a little off-putting.  Like, trying to take some refuge in crazy audacity to make people titter or whatever.  It feels weird, though.

Tom runs into his old flame at the grocery store.  She is both happy to see him and really upset about it...he's apologetic about running away which I don't entirely understand, considering she LEFT HIM TO DIE AT THE HANDS OF A MAD MAN and then married his old friend who ALSO LEFT HIM TO DIE AT THE HANDS OF A MAD MAN.  But yeah, he should be sorry that he left after all of that trauma.  What a jerk, finding himself unable to live in the town where he nearly was butchered by a psychopath.

Everybody seems to be interested in blaming Tom for stuff.  Apparently he did cause the original cave in that caused the original psycho to murder his co-workers...kinda sorta.  But he didn't kill anybody...well, then anyway.  Pretty sure my memory banks remember him being the killer this time, though...but, honestly, if he wasn't I wouldn't blame him for any of this stuff: under those circumstances, he really has the right to get out of that town and sell the mine.  He nearly died.  But everyone keeps talking like he's in the wrong, and it's pissing me off in a big way.

Ackles seems really uncomfortable here.  It's not an extraordinary performance.  I don't think it's really his fault, though: he doesn't seem to quite have as much to do.  He's giving an honest try, I think, considering he IS playing up the trauma and shell shock of his grisly past (considering the mine has to make him REALLY uncomfortable after everything that's happened)...but it makes him kind of ineffectual and even a little bland.  Maybe if did more standing up for himself, like he did in the bar, the character might make things work a bit better. 

Why is the argument of whether or not the original psychopath is still alive even occurring?  Even if the original killer IS dead-and he assuredly is-that doesn't mean that people AREN'T being killed.  The existence of the guy is irrelevant.  Like, completely. All it means is that somebody else is the killer.

"I'm not running this time" is a stupid thing to say.  Sell the mine and get out of dodge.  Of course, he's actually Fight Clubbing this whole thing, so his leaving wouldn't really create a solution to the plot...well, okay, it would for everybody else but him. 

Kevin Tighe puts on a surprisingly good fight for an old man who took a pickaxe to the back.  It doesn't last long but it does happen.  I feel like this movie is taking up a long time...there's only so many retreads of the same scenes I can realistically sit through: Yes, Axel is a dick.  Yes, Tom is shady and kind of weird.  Yes, Axel is pretty sure Tom's the killer because they hate each other.  Uh...well, okay, everything else is basically just murder scenes and Jaime King looking confused.  There really are no other real characters besides Tom and Axel...nobody else has an arc at all.

So, the stock girl that the Sheriff was nailing on the side is killed without any revelation about the affair, which I suppose is somewhat realistic but is odd screen writing...and why didn't Sarah hit the alarm, like, ten minutes ago?  Bleh.  Okay, well the Sheriff shows up awfully quickly so...maybe when he finds a body there will be a revelation?  I would think that it would have to come up, right?  It is the basic essence of drama.  Chekov's Gun and all that.  

Wait, was that it?  "I'm not blind, Axel."  Did she know all along?  What?  For real?  That easy?  I'm not really sure why a son was even introduced for Axel and Sarah.  I don't think it was a necessary device under the circumstances.  It really isn't bringing anything to the table.  I'm not even sure he's had a line of dialogue that wasn't "Mommy" which...why is he here?  Even for a "well, kids in peril" scenario it doesn't add tension, primarily because neither Axel or Sarah are particularly interesting or sympathetic.  Maybe if the kid said some shit like the kid in Jerry Maguire or something I might be worried about him but...as of right this minute the kid is just a random child who basically means nothing in the narrative.

It's a little strange but not entirely unexpected that the narrative has switched entirely to Jaime King as Sarah, with the overall focus being on which man in her life is the actual murderer at this point, with both guys telling her it's the other.  It would help if Sarah was better fleshed out, or if either Tom or Axel were more ambiguous instead of both appearing constantly guilty.  I will say that it's somewhat clever making Tom the killer (eventually) in that it does play off and subvert two common movie audience assumptions: Jensen Ackles is a star and the lead, so not only must he be the hero but survival is guaranteed, and also the original My Bloody Valentine had Axel as the murderer.  So a savvy audience would be assuming the asshat Sheriff would have to be the murderer under those circumstances.  That's a little cheap, but it's at least a little clever..manipulative, maybe.  The alter-ego thing is kinda played out, but...well, like I said, it's not a bad subversion of audience expectations.

Y'know, Sarah, you could have just shot Tom.  Instead you let your Husband get into a fist fight with a psychopath.  I know your Husband is an asshole but, really...you had a gun, and could have ended this pretty quickly.  And, of course, Axel lost the fight, and THEN you fire at him.  Nice.

Hmm, there seems to be a tiny bit of possession material in here.  At least, enough to be a tad bit ambiguous about it....either Tom is just insane or he's possessed by the ghost of a serial killer.  It doesn't really change anything, it's just a little bit of business thrown in that might have been interesting to explore a little, which makes the fact that it's tossed in at the eleventh hour kind of disappointing.  

Final Thoughts: However, he does survive the film, which is a detail I like.  Actually, so does Axel and Sarah, which is surprising...especially Axel.  So, wait, Sarah forgives Axel and decides she still loves him, which I find obnoxious.  But having both the hero and the villain win is a nice surprise, and a concept not utilized very often.  It's not a strong film at all, but it gets points for trying to be different and, dare I say, even a little bit of fun.  Even though it's not a good movie, it manages to collect some goodwill due to it's enthusiasm.  A better script and more developed characters would have been nice, and a lot of this is really jumbled and uncomfortable, but...it does feel like there was some genuine effort involved.

Final Rating: Two and Half Stars.