Starring: David Boreanaz, Denise Richards, Marley Shelton, Katherine Heigl, Jessica Capshaw.
Director: Jamie Blanks.
I had so much enthusiasm, like, three days ago to do some Valentine's Day related films for this blog but now the day has come and I feel like I'm just going to be dragging myself through them. Sometimes this blog is more work than I would normally admit. But, I told myself I was going to do them, so here I am.
I actually went to see this movie on a Valentine's Day date, interestingly enough. The date went pretty well and she and I saw each other for the better part of a year...it obviously didn't work out, since here I am at 33 spending my Valentine's Day alone watching David Boreanaz's failed attempt at moving beyond television. Happy Valentine's Day to all.
Wow, it's a pretty painful opener here: geeky kid gets his day ruined by bullies (apparently there were no adults there to supervise the dance?) and then a loser strikes out with Katherine Heigl...and is incredibly creepy and off putting about it. Then the credits tell me that Rick Bota was the Director of Photography (yay!) and that there were four different screenwriters involved in the making of this film (uh-oh). This would suggest re-writes, either because the original script was terrible or producers needed to tailor it to something else they wanted...either way, it's never a good sign.
So, wait, the nerd from a middle school dance spent his whole life waiting to get revenge on the girls who wouldn't dance with him? I kind of get his being angry with the chubby chick who said he attacked her or whatever, but the other girls just...turned him down. I mean, sure, they weren't particularly nice about it but still. They should have just called this "male privilege:the movie." This fact makes me very irritable, and this thing has been on for less than ten minutes.
The killers' Cherub mask also irritates me, but not as much as the Heigl deciding to hide in a friggin' body bag. Seriously? Then we follow that up with a montage of weirdos at a speed dating thing, where a pair of two fairly insipid young women talk to a bunch of male stereotypes...I don't know which side of that scene I need to be more pissed at.
Finally, here's David Boreanaz to deliver awkward, stilted dialogue with our vacant-faced lead. I've always said that he looks weird playing any role that isn't Angel. He was awesome as Angel. One of my top ten TV characters of all time. Here he's...wooden. This movie really has no idea how to introduce characters: a couple more Women wander up after Angel leaves, and the screenwriters just kind of plop them there with no real explanation (yeah, sure, we have them all act friendly with each other so we know they have some sort of relationship but that's about it), and now we're following an entirely new character. Well, we can gather that she was the girl who accused the geek of stuff at the beginning because she has the same name. Man, this movie is sloppy. Yeah, I can gather the facts (these are the same girls from the beginning) but...it's bad storytelling.
Seriously, putting maggots inside chocolates is SO much effort for petty revenge. Actually, that might make some sense as payback for their rejections. Certainly more than outright murder at any rate.
This movie has no plot. It's just characters wandering around talking about boys, their random encounters as kids (seriously, this movie takes place in a Universe where everyone apparently maintains a vivid memory of their sixth grade lives. I haven't thought about sixth grade since seventh grade), and shitty postmodernism art shows...and everybody, guy or girl, is insipid and vacant. I don't think any of these characters have anything resembling a thought.
Boreanaz is the best thing about this movie, mostly because he has some natural charisma. His performance is still off, but the guy works hard. Hey, the Detective is pointing out the plot hole. The concept of a guy who was *gasp* sent to reform school in sixth grade wouldn't plan an intricate revenge plot. No, screenwriters, he wouldn't. You could have thrown some sort of disfigurement or violence or the killing of his hamster or ANYTHING other than some rejection or humiliation that occurred fifteen years ago.
Well, okay, at least the detective says that the guy went crazy and did some loony tunes action...but still, we're saying the guy WENT INSANE BECAUSE GIRLS REJECTED HIM IN SIXTH GRADE. By this movies logic, I wouldn't be getting anything done because I'd be too busy murdering hundreds of Women. Considering the incredibly long string of rejections I've suffered and still suffer frequently, the list would be longer than the list of horror films I'm planning to do for this blog by the end of the year cycle. I mean, seriously.
Ugh. Movie. The Detective hits on Denise Richards, and then the killer discovers the weirdo neighbor trying on the leads underwear in her room. Jeez, movie.
Y'know, I'm half tempted to like Dorothy even though this is all her fault. The actress is giving a good enough performance of a girl with confidence issues and the like...also, this guy she likes is clearly gay, or a con man, or both. Actually, it appears to be the latter. Anyway, her deep seated emotional issues actually makes her a little sympathetic...well, to me, anyway. I'm not sure that this sympathy is actually what the movie intends...but I don't think we're supposed to see this guy trying to steal her money as a justified act...but at this point, trying to understand the motivations of this hot mess of a film is giving me a headache.
Way too many movies attempt to play the "unlikable" cast card. It's really annoying. Denise Richards dances...the facial expression she makes looks like she's having trouble going to the bathroom. God, this movie is so random. There is no scene cohesion or narrative flow or anything resembling a plot...I think it probably needed another couple of writers. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Oh, god, eww. Guy shows Paige his penis and...y'know what, I can't even describe the horror happening on screen right now. This sense of entitlement to sexual activity is so disgusting that I can't even see it as any sort of commentary or judgement. It's just gross. Paige is going to get him back with some good old fashioned genital melting with a candle...but still. Eww.
Why is every single male in this movie horrible? Like, every single one. That and most of the Women. I think my favorite character-besides poor sad Dorothy-is the bitchy rich lady who shows up to tell Dorothy her boyfriend is a thief. She serves no purpose (even her telling Dorothy that information is irrelevant because a)the guy is already dead and b)it has no bearing on the plot whatsoever) other than get chased around and killed (which takes a shockingly long time, considering she really is just a day player and not one of our major characters).
So, Denise Richards knows that a stalker (and probably murderer) is leaving valentines warnings...but she finds a rose and goes to seek out who left it? Instead of running off to find friends, she searches for her newfound admirer? I mean, what in the actual hell? You deserve to die. Oh, right, the hot tub/drill death. I remember my date liking that one death scene way back when. It's not bad, as far as a slasher movie kills go. It's clever, strongly conceived and pretty well photographed.
Did the movie suddenly realize that Dorothy was getting too sympathetic so they wrote her a random freak out scene where she tells the lead off? Where she unloads about over a decade of repressed anger and resentment (again, this has never come up since SIXTH GRADE you guys) in the middle of what one would at least theoretically understand as a crisis? I mean, sure, they don't KNOW that people are dying...well, not entirely. The pace of this film is so maddeningly idiotic that there's no reason this film should start making sense now.
Also, why is the movie asking me to suddenly hate Boreanaz? Because he broke his promise and had some booze he's now the prime suspect? Does she not realize that relapse is part of recovery? But the movie needed to try and push the "who is the killer" subplot that they spent a whole two or three minutes barely establishing so...oh, who cares anymore? I seem to remember that he IS the killer anyway, which is good because his sudden crazy behavior would really be weird...even though, again, if memory serves, he manages to convince her that he isn't and that Dorothy is the actual killer...or was Dorothy the actual killer and he is the nerdy kid from before? I don't really care, just wanna get my facts straight. I assume Dorothy is the killer because her wallpaper is plaid, which makes no sense at all.
Okay, so he shoots the person wearing the mask and it turns out to be Dorothy...but then he gets the signature nose bleed....so, we're assuming he put the mask on her and set her up to make the lead believe him? Or was she the killer? I'd have to assume he set her up, right?
Final Thoughts: Garbage. A couple of almost (but not quite) passable performances and a so-so hot tub murder sequence are the only highlights of a truly atrocious script. I'm sorry your film career never took off, Angel. I know you ended up on Bones for, like, a century so you can't be too hard up but...
Final Rating: One Star.
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