Movie 142: My Bloody Valentine (1981)

Guess what's getting watched April 1st...

Starring: Paul Kelman, Lori Hallier, Neil Affleck, Keith Knight, Alf Hymphreys, Jack Van Evera.

Director: George Mihalka.

There's nothing that quite goes together like Miners and...Valentines Day.  But, hey, it was 1981 and random slasher pics were the name of the game back then.  Obviously, mixing the romantic holiday with murder and mayhem was something of a novelty and, really, gotta figure the producers slapped themselves in the foreheads and said "Holy shit, why didn't we think of this sooner?!"

Oh, right, I had kinda forgotten how weirdly surrealist this movie is now and again.  Two miners wander around in their masks, one of them takes the gear off and is a naked girl and everything is super weird...quite the spirited opener, really.  Then we see miners doing miner things, like making jokes and showering together.  I do kind of like the "The methane is gonna blow this place sky high one of these days!"  "Nah, we ain't that lucky!" exchange.

One homoerotic shower scene and a staggeringly large amount of "yee-haws" and we have a banjo scored driving montage where the Miners are going into town to raise some kind of hell, likely involving ladies...or each other...or both.  

The first words said when the Miners enter the dance hall is one of the blondes saying "Howard...stay away from me..."  Pretty smart girl, I'd say.  Anyway, there is some fun comedy bits happening here. You can see some of that Black Christmas influence pretty early on.  These guys are silly ruffians out for a good time.  Then stuff gets serious when the town elders discuss some unpleasantness that happened a decade ago, and the Mayor gets a human heart for a Valentine Gift.  A helpful and insane flashback shows us a crazy nutjob miner losing his mind and murdering a bunch of people...and, for some reason, insisting that no Valentines Day dance be held ever again.  I guess the mining accident that drove him crazy happened to be the holiday, which would fall under irony, of course.

Surprisingly discrete for an '81 slasher flick.  They cut away instead of allowing us to see the pickaxe killing the dance lady.  There's an interesting element to this film, considering it's primarily about men on Valentines Day.  This is mostly only interesting when compared to, say, Black Christmas (which was considerably female)...but we have a lot of guys hanging around, being guys, one of the guys is upset that his ex is now dating one of the other miners, and they have it out in a surprisingly...well, okay, it breaks down rather quickly, but they were being surprisingly adult about the situation at first.  The lead talks to the heavy set guy with the facial hair and admits to still liking his old friend, even though the guy is dating his old girlfriend.

This is apparently our only subplot: one of the guys has come back from a period away (he went out to find himself and was forced to return), only to discover his girlfriend is now dating his buddy, his Father is being a little hard on him.  So, it's already one up on Valentine anyway.  It actually has a subplot with characters having emotions that make sense.  

Then the main plot is the Mayor and The Sheriff trying to keep the whole "returning murderer" thing under wraps...because it would cause a panic?  Isn't a panic preferable to an unknowing population being bumped off?  But, anyway, we know it's not gonna work because horror movies are what they are...the Sheriff cancels the dance (under the pretense of respect for poor old Mabel, who officially "died of a heart attack."

Oh, boo, T.J.  When the girl says "I don't want to go with you" and you make her go anyway...not cool, dude.  Not cool.  I mean, it's a little understandable considering she kind of DOES want to go with him, considering their romantic past, and she isn't sure what she wants.  Both T.J. and the new guy look like neanderthals, so apparently Sarah has a type.  

Poor Sarah is now upset because she kissed T.J. and doesn't know what to tell Axel.  Her choices are between guys named T.J. and Axel.  Honestly, Sarah, this shouldn't be hard: the answer is clearly to move away and never speak to either guy again.  Anyway, T.J. says the party will be in the mine because nothing says romance like a cavernous, soot stained hall of despair and toil where men died in a cave-in and ate one another.

Oddly enough, the bartender decides to prank them with a fake miner costume thing...which amuses him greatly.  Like, nobody has ever found anything this funny ever.  Of course, it gets him murdered because why wouldn't it?  I preferred the previous scene where he chastises one of the miners "be careful what you make fun of, you little idiot!"

Oh, okay, the party isn't IN the mine but at the rec room at the mine site.  That makes a little more sense.  Actually, it kind of makes a lot of sense really.  It IS a rec room with pool tables and snack machines, central heating, a working kitchen and stuff, and is in a remote location.  I'm surprised nobody thought of it sooner.

Aww, that was kind of sad.  The Sheriff gets a box of chocolates and thinks it's the killer...only to discover that it was from Mabel.  Aww.  Then a guy gets drowned in a pot of boiling hot dog water.  Eww.

I hope the heavy set guy with the epic mustache lives.  He's the best character in the movie.  Anyway, we get more of the romantic subplot, where Sarah actually tells them they're acting like jerks, and then they fight over her...and the fat guy with the mustache breaks it up!  That guy is the best!  I have no idea what his name is, but he's the greatest.  Sarah should hook up with him.  Instead she says "I just don't care anymore, leave me alone" in one of my favorite things in the whole movie.  Sarah should be telling these guys to fuck off.  

Apparently nobody noticed the hot dog guy go missing, since they just dump more water on the hot dogs like nothing happened.  Well, okay, his corpse is in the fridge and they miss it because they aren't paying attention.  Okay.  That's actually kinda funny.  I kind of wish I had some hot dogs right now.  I should get some hot dogs tomorrow or something.

One of my favorite things about movies from the early eighties is that certain fashions from the seventies haven't entirely died out yet...one of these guys looks like he's ready for a Disco to break out at any moment.  It's kind of amazing.

Aww, heavy set mustache guy, (I think his name is Mike) you shouldn't take them down into the horrible depressing mines.  That's a terrible idea, and will likely get you killed.  He does have a really good looking Girlfriend, though, so that's kinda rad.  Okay, his name is Hollis.  He's awesome.  He's also making a huge mistake bringing them into the abandoned part of the mine.  To be fair to Hollis, he doesn't know a killer is on the loose but still...no one knows there down there, it's really kind of dangerous down there for experienced miners let alone idiots with no mining prowess.

Huh.  That was kinda cool.  T.J. takes charge, sending the ancillary characters away and then he and Axel team up to go save Sarah and the others from down in the mine.  It's a surprisingly mature moment between two grown-ups and not a dynamic we see very often in films.  The romantic rivals actually put aside their differences when the safety of the Woman they both love is in danger.

Hollis is assuredly going to die, and it's a bummer.  He actually did a "scare the girls in the dark" thing.  Pretty surefire way to die in a slasher flick.  Anyway, T.J. finds him and the others and mobilizes Hollis, which is actually really cool.  Hollis runs off to try and find their missing friends, because he also knows the mines and is capable.  I like it.  It's gonna get him killed, but I like it.  Hollis, you the man.

Never Forget.

Hollis gets himself killed, falling down in front of Patty, Sarah and the other doof.  Then the killer is coming after them...poor Patty is really upset.  I understand, Patty.  I loved him, too.  Now really isn't the time to freak out about it, though, Patty: you can grieve later, for now you need to get the hell out of there.  But, somebody had to become The Load and it appears Patty has drawn the short straw.

Something tells me that Patty isn't going to live much longer.  She apparently is having some issues climbing a ladder for whatever reason.  Luckily for her, her friends seem pretty comfortable carrying her like a bag lunch.  The true best way to survive a horror film: make sure you have friends who are willing to drag you along.  Don't be the friends trying to be a hero, be the one who needs to be carried.  

Well, there goes Patty.  Not too surprising: these movies usually only allow the designated couples to survive.  Hollis and Patty never really stood a chance, despite being the nicest folks in the movie.  But now we seem to be down to Sarah, with both Axel and T.J. more or less missing...

We should be coming up on the end here...if memory serves, Axel is the killer, right?  He thinks he's the guy from the past?  I remember the ending being a tad confusing.  Or is it T.J?  My memory may not be serving all that well, it's been many years since I've watched this film.  It probably isn't T.J. since he's currently fighting the bad guy now, which would suggest Axel.  I just can't remember what his motivation was...Sarah would kind of make sense, but not really.  Is he the historic killers kid?  Anyway, I like the fight between T.J. and the killer.  Not enough horror films ever really involve characters actually attempting to fight back on even terms.  The guy IS just a guy, after all...I'd take a swing at him with a shovel, too.  

Oh, right.  Axel witnessed the historic killer murder his Dad so now he's gone nuts and has decided to murder everybody for whatever reason.  Oh, well, it doesn't need to really make sense.  

The town probably should have done a better job dealing with the emotional and psychological damage of a massacre: The Mayor notes that Axel witnessed his Father's death and...apparently they just figured he'd be fine?  Axel runs off laughing to himself and swearing revenge on the town...so everybody is exactly where they left off.

Final Thoughts: This was actually kind of fun in places.  Nothing extraordinary, just a fun, stupid 1981 slasher film starring people from Minnesota or whatever.  But we'll always have Hollis.  Always.  Happy Valentines Day, Hollis.

Final Rating: Two and a half stars.