Day 2, Movie 1: Shocker

On VHS.  Only 3.97!

Starring: Peter Berg, Mitch Pileggi, Michael Murphy, Ted Raimi, Richard Brooks, Cami Cooper.
Director: Wes Craven


This movie is so metal.

I originally had designs of doing "Last House on the Left" after "New Nightmare" but...to hell with it, here's "Shocker."

This is undoubtedly one of the weirdest movies I've ever seen.  I mean, it noticeably changes plot about three times during it's running time, starting with a serial killer story and ending with some sort of sci-fi TV channel jumping chase...I dunno what.  I have some memory of seeing it for the first time at fifteen or sixteen and laughing pretty hysterically at how ridiculous it was.  It's also one of the greatest bad movies of all time, and may be partially responsible for how much I tend to dig on bad cinema.

It probably took several years for me to realize that Horace Pinker was played by Mitch Pillegi, and that he was in "The X-Files."  I didn't watch much of the X-Files, but I still didn't make that connection.  Mitch also did a mostly forgettable run in "Supernatural" as well.  But I bet even fans of that show probably don't remember that.

I can't even tell you how insane this movie is.  It's the cinematic equivalent of a head injury, and it's glorious.

NO.

So, let's get to some observations.

We open to the soothing sounds of hair metal, and get a helpful news report on how effective and intelligent our weird garage monkey super villain is.  Thanks, movie.

Ted Raimi sightings are always a joy.

Johnathan lives life fast and hard.  His girlfriend seems pretty rad, though.  I like how casually she mentions that they haven't slept together yet.  Even though it's an awkward line, the scene is actually pretty charming.  Johnathan has just a little bit of charm.

Should I get a water bed?  I should get a water bed.

Y'know, it took less than twenty minutes for this film to basically become "A Nightmare on Elm Street."  Johnathan dreams things that happen...and his Dad (whom he calls Daddy, which is...weird?) is a cop.  Craven leans on a news report again thirty seconds later, giving Johnathan a expository back story. 

I'll hand it to this movie: it does NOT fuck around.  Straight to the point!

"Just because I'm your Father doesn't mean I have to listen to this crap" should be a bumper sticker.

"Place has already been broken into, we're investigating an apparent burglary" should have been Detective Mills' plan in "Seven."  Corrupt cops are only cool in the movies.  Most of the time, in real life, they just shoot people of cover.  Luckily for us viewers who like action...and for Horace (who is super intelligent, remember), the cops are terrible at their jobs.  Lead detective responds with "How should I know" when asked where his team members are...and then the cops on duty outside complain about how they "could use a cold one" while guarding a potential crime scene...and don't recognize a man they've never seen before dressed as one of their fellow officers.  Hilarity.

There's not a lot of real characterization for Johnathan.  It's odd.  He's introduced as a meat head with little compassion, family dies, he has compassion....loves his girlfriend and remembers her birthday despite his entire family being butchered.  Then said Girlfriend, whose name we barely really know, professes love for him and we love him, too. Honestly, this might be one of the worst movies to ever showcase the talent of their director: Craven has managed to get me to care about these paper thin characters despite giving them the barest of character arcs.  

That murder scene for Allison...that's pretty damned gruesome.  The movies bizarre breakneck pace doesn't give a lot of time to process but, really, that's a pretty vile crime scene.  

I can barely keep up with this film.  Seriously, it's paced like a hundred meter dash.

Mad props to Rhino.  I feel like if my friend said "So, hey, I can see where this murderer will strike in my dreams...you, uh, wanna watch me sleep?" I'd say yes.  So, props to Rhino.

Johnathan does a great dropkick.  Was Craven a Wrestling fan?  Actually, this movies does have pretty good fight scenes.  

So, Freddy gets off on a botched search warrant, but Pinker is condemned on "kid who saw me in a dream?"

Great cover of "No More Mister Nice Guy" in this thing.  Seriously, I cannot stress enough:  This. Movie. Is. Metal.

Pictured: The Minions of Evil have no interest in "Shocker."  They looked at me as I sang along to "No More Mister Nice Guy" but that's it.

Mitch Pileggi clearly relishes his chance to ham it up. His monologue to Johnathan is pretty intense. He's no Robert Englund, but he does a pretty good job.  The Warden also was the redneck cop in "Passenger 56."  One half of one of my favorite exchanges: Well, Mr.Cutter...what would you do if you were me?"  "Kill myself!"  "Passenger 57" is gold.

Body burns up, Cop says "Wow, that chair really kicks ass."  As great as Craven is...his sense of humor is kinda broken.  It's kinda like Stephen King.  Great horror writer (mostly), kinda lame sense of humor.  The "Just feel like a little head, sport" line isn't so bad, though.

So we reached plot twist one: Horace Pinker goes from serial killer to body jumping spirit.  Because...TV.  

If I die a violent death, I'm going to do my best NOT to come back covered in blood.  Also, had I a girlfriend and she died and came back as a ghost and asked to be held...I feel like I'd do it.  I hope to never be in that position (the dead part, not the girlfriend part) but I feel like I'd just hold her.  I mean, ghosts must be pretty lonely.

I should also get me a vibrating recliner.  So, in a six and half hour movie watching binge I need to get a stuffed dinosaur named Rex, a water bed and a reclining chair.  None of these sound all that ridiculous.

Poor Office Pastori. Not as poor as the jogger, though.  I do question why Pinker thinks jumping into the body of a Jogger he just shot in the spine is a good idea...but, hey, he's apparently still limping no matter what body he's in...and this movie maintains no internal logic...so...

Nothing quite as hilarious as kids cursing.  Might actually be some kind of comedy rule, really.  

So, from The Doctor, to Pastori, to Jogger with shot spine, to little girl, to little girls' mom, to Glen Danzig.  Because "He must be using electricity or something!"

Coach rules.  I mean, the coach in this movie.  Craven at least had some understanding of how to use people of color.  They aren't just useless, expendable assholes.  Rhino and Coach are rad.  #coachandrhino

I can only hope to have a friend like Rhino someday.  I have some who are close, but I doubt any of my friends would be willing to dive down into a lake to search for necklace that can, when used properly, exorcise a serial killer from the body another human being.

NOOOO!  Ted Raimi!

And here's Allison's ghost.  And then Coach kills himself to ruin Pinkers day.  Holy crap this movie makes no sense.  I always get a little choked up for a martyr though.  Video Pinker versus Green Screen Allison...who will win, who will make sense?!

"Eat shit and die you little fuck!"  The words that come out of Johnathan's Dad are something special.  I want to make a joke like "Sounds like my old man" but my Dad never talked a lot of trash to anyone ever.  

The plot changes again.  Pinker gets beamed out of Johnathan's Dad but a satellite dish and...into...TV...because apparently that's how this works.

They keep doing scare music when Allison shows up.  I mean, she's helpful, right?  Why is she scary?  How does Horaces' TV possession really work?  He can physically attack a guy on a TV show?  If I was Horace, could I punch Tyler from The Vampire Diaries?  What is happening?

I think Allison just possessed Johnathan.  By the way, the bit with the Evangelist.  Nowadays, we know that....well, that shit is bullshit.  If you're reading this and think otherwise, google Jon Oliver and Evangelists.

HOW did Horace possess Jonathans easy chair?  I don't want an easy chair anymore.  Just kidding.  I totally do.  I don't even know what's happening in this movie anymore.  I mean, they use enough expository dialogue to make it work.  Johnathan does ask Allison for help, and she jumps on him and says "I'll never be away from you again" and...possessing him?  Does that mean that Johnathan is stuck with her for eternity?

Man, this last act is NUTS!  Atomic explosions and heavy metal and...uh, fat people in oddly spacious living rooms?  This movie is just...weird.

Pinker yells "Hey, what the fuck?!"  I can't say I disagree with him.  The remote control controls Pinker. Do remote controls have a jump button?  Up button?  TV room reality?  

Jesus, does anybody know how the hell this works?

Final Thoughts:  It's a terrible film.  But it's an amazing, glorious one.  And it's TOTAL METAL.

Rating: 2 stars (but a 4 and 1/2 stars for bad movies with rad heavy metal soundtracks)