Movie 122: Burying The Ex

Starring: Anton Yelchin, Ashley Green, Alexandra Daddario, Oliver Cooper.

Director: Joe Dante.

First of all I'm glad to see Joe Dante releasing some new work.  Dante probably is the master of the horror-comedy(The Howling being probably his only real straight horror film, and an excellent film) in a lot of ways, and is one of the last of the "Masters of Horror" team that dominated the seventies and eighties that are still working with any regularity.  Secondly, Anton Yelchin is a modern favorite of mine, especially after the stellar Odd Thomas(one of three horror comedies that made me tear up to date, along with Shawn Of The Dead and The Final Girls) so I have some modestly high hopes for this.  Ashley Green is another actress who I feel like hasn't exactly found her feet yet, but maybe this will get here somewhere.  I admire anyone who seems to stick with the horror genre as long as she appears to.  

This certainly feels like it's going to be fun.  The music is very Ed Wood, with that old Universal Pictures feel, and the opening credits were very energetic.  Anton stars as Max, who is in a serious relationship with environmentalist, sexually conservative, grown-up and a little severe Evelyn who is rather upset at Max's Brother (or, Half-Brother, as both Max and Evelyn reminds the guy) using their house for threesomes.   Max works at a halloween botique shop, which is kinda cool and has his own business plan for one of his own.  I'd love to own a horror shop.  I wonder if there's a market for that outside of Halloween.  Max is also forced to greet and say goodbye by saying "Go To Hell" which is actually funnier than it sounds.

Holy crap, Max and Evelyn have sex while watching Hammer Horror Movies.  That's, like, my dream relationship right there.

Unfortunately, she's super vegan and has a tendency to yell at other people about it.  So...she's not great.  Max clearly has way more in common with the girl at the ice cream store-who knows about the General Mills Monster Cereals-which upsets Evelyn who goes on a rampage about vegan stuff, but she's really upset about other stuff.  But Evelyn, despite being severe and a bit jealous and...maybe a little unstable, is actually kind of charming.  Oh, snap, she completely redecorated his house.  And destroyed his imported horror movie posters.  She's crazy.

Oh, shit...just as Max was about to break it off with Evelyn, she's hit by a bus.  That...oh, that really sucks.  Anton sells it really excellently, and then they smoothly add in "Song for Zula" by Phosphorescent(also used excellently in Amazing Spider-Man 2) over a funeral/time-lapse montage.  Nicely done.  The movie does a pretty realistic and interesting rendition of what would likely happen to someone in Max's situation: survivors guilt, depression, pre-occupation with the idea that if he had stuck things out with her things may have worked out.  It's brief, but it's intelligent.

Max runs into Olivia (the ice cream girl) at the cinema, where it's revealed that they both like the same art-house horror filmmaker.  Olivia seems really rad.  It doesn't take a genius to see where this movie is going (well, between the title, knowing this is a horror comedy and all).  Not sure why Max doesn't tell Olivia outright that Evelyn died, but...might be a mood killer.  But, Olivia does take him to a cemetery, so I think she may have been able to handle that.  But you gotta love a girl who starts doing Night Of The Living Dead bits in a cemetery.  Olivia may be the girl of my dreams.

It's a cute, endearing first date.  Anton and Alexandra have good chemistry.  Olivia takes off, Max goes home and now there's Evelyn, returned from the dead.  Leads to a great scene with some excellent acting from Greene and an awesome exchange:

Max: How are you back?
Evelyn: True love conquers all.

Max: ...that doesn't...make any...sense...

There is obviously going to be a lot of fun coming from Ashley Greene here.  She's fully aware of her status as the undead, and that should be a blast to explore.  So far, the movie seems to want to focus on Max's conflicted nature: there's his guilt and maybe some genuine affection which makes him continue to deal with Evenlyn(despite his terror and confusion), but also his wanting Olivia(who has quickly been sidelined, despite her charisma).  Of course, Max now wants to break up with her again...which hopefully will bring Olivia back into things.  Greene is on fire, though, and giving an extraordinary performance.  Her Zombie makeup is pretty great, too.

Olivia catches on to at least the ex girlfriend part of Max and Evelyn and she gives an excellent ultimatum to Max: he can be with her and meet her for a horror flick, or it was nice knowing each other.  It's a nice bit of feminist agency for Olivia, and it makes me happy to see her unwilling to deal with Max's issues.

Now, of course, Max has to figure out a way to re-kill Evelyn if he wants to be with Olivia.  Max is a strong character-we feel for him and like him, I really want him and Olivia to be together-and Anton is full of charisma.  We finally get some (albeit restrained and largely off screen) horror violenc when Max's Half Brother goes after Evelyn...the scene is nicely juxtaposed with Max and Olivia having sex.  It's well done.

I cannot say enough about the makeup job done on Ashley Greene.  It's really extraordinary.  She's a pretty solid villain, especially as she decends into full-on monster.  Unfortunately, for all of the solid performances and sense of fun, the movie isn't all that funny or scary.  It's charming, sure, but it's not as engaging as it probably should be.

Yay!  Mr.Futterman from Gremlins!  Well, the actor is named Dick Miller and he's fantastic.

Now we're getting to the climax: Evelyn goes after Olivia and kidnaps her, leading Max into a hostage situation...but it goes to an emotional breakup scene...it's very uneven.  The whole script has been.  Final combat scene being accompanied by surf rock is weird...I dunno.  This ending has been really kind of lackluster.  Bummer.

Final Thoughts: The cast is excellent, the movie has a lot of charm and a sense of fun.  It's pretty well paced.  Unfortunately, it isn't terribly funny, exciting or scary.  The script and story is uneven and probably should have been...well, given more action.  More stuff to do.  But it IS charming, even if it's a fairly shallow and without a lot of real personality.  Great makeup effects.  

Final Rating: Three Stars.  Coulda been a whole lot better.  But it gets by on charm and strong performances.

Movie 121: The Blood Lands (White Settlers)

Starring: Pollyanna McIntosh, Lee Williams, Joanne Mitchell, James McCreadie, Dominic Kay.

Director: Simeon Halligan.

I've heard a few good things about this Scottish import, originally titled White Settlers but changed to the less provocative The Blood Lands later, with at least one positive review coming from a trusted friend, so I'm curious about it.  More or less it's another film I'm going in blind on-other than the aforementioned snippets of positive reactions-at least in terms of plot.  We have a pretty and stylish credits sequence with sad piano music, so there's that.  

Pretty standard opener: a young couple purchases a house and land on a site of historical turmoil(with beautiful country views, though) and, well, something bad will certainly come of it.  The couple seem kinda like hipster dicks, so obviously they have it coming.  The leads don't have an awful lot of chemistry together, but the lead-Pollyanna McIntosh as Sarah-seems pretty much up to the task of bringing an interesting character to the screen.  Lee Williams-as her husband/boyfriend(not clear) Ed-is coming off as a bit of a jerk, which is likely intentional.  He decides to agree to Sarah's request to live in the Scottish Fixer-upper(despite having a lot of mean things to say about Scotland which, I dunno, I always thought I'd like Scotland) and we have a montage of house fixing.

Seriously, Ed: tone it down, buddy.  It seems every other word is basically making fun of Scotland and the people who live in Scotland.  Then Sarah blindfolds him and things get sexy.  At least the movie has shown us that they can have fun together, but considering how the chemistry isn't there, I hope we get to the fireworks factory, too.  The movie is doing a decent job developing the characters, but after Maggie I'm kinda hoping for, y'know, some carnage.

Pictured: Carnage.

Sarah: "I think there's someone outside."
Ed promptly gets back into bed.  Geez.

Decent misdirect scare that will hopefully blossom into an actual one soon.  The film is actually progressing nicely enough.  So far, so good.  I do hope Ed puts some pants on.  Damn it, Sarah, I didn't say YOU should put pants on.  Interestingly enough, we seem to suggesting that the lack of chemistry between them may actually be deliberate: we seem to be getting a story of two people making a huge step together that they may not actually be ready for.  While there are been a few bumps and sounds in the night, the real tension has been coming from friction between the two leads: Sarah seems easily freaked out, Ed easily annoyed.  Ed wants to make light of things, Sarah finds that obnoxious.  I'm with Sarah, of course: not a fan of Ed so far.

Hmm.  Looks like we might have a home invasion thriller on our hands.  I tend to like those well enough, depending on their level of restraint.  In this case, we got a trio of dudes in pig masks, which make for intense enough visuals.  Ed seems like he may already be a goner, though to Sarah's credit she screams questions about his fate.  But now she's on the run from our psychopaths (my guess is that they're the sons of the previous tenant discussed briefly by the realtor) with plenty of space to provide different scenarios.  So maybe this could be fun.  So far it's mostly Sarah runs, hides, is nearly spotted, and then she runs again and it repeats itself.  

Okay, Sarah finds and manages to rescue Ed, so at least we've made some headway. The pair together manage to take out their assailants in a decent combat sequence, but now both Sarah and Ed are injured.  Ed comes up with a pretty dumb plan of splitting up, with him providing a distraction.  It's noble of him, but it's always a terrible plan.  Especially when you yell "hey, over here" which just lets your assailant know it's a distraction.  But, while these assailants are fairly well organized, they don't seem exceptionally intelligent, so...well, they certainly seem to be falling for Ed's simple ruse.

Ed knocks one of his assailants out and then...jesus, man, hesitates and pokes the guy?  Grab the dudes ax, and run for it...or just get grabbed by the neck and try to wrestle yourself away from a guy who outweighs you by fifty or sixty pounds.  Good work, Ed.  Luckily, his attackers are dumber than he is so Ed manages to...aww, forget it.  Get stuck in a bear trap.  You suck at escaping, Ed.

Sarah, honey, you're being hunted.  Stop yelling your husbands name into the darkness.  Well, she gets some water and some directions from a young boy in soccer clothing.  I was pretty certain she was being led into a trap, but she has instead found a nice clearing, the main road and sunlight instead.  I mean, it's still not looking super positive for her: injured leg and the main road is certainly not salvation(especially since the first vehicle she comes across will almost certainly be her attackers).  

We should be coming up on the end soon enough.  Sarah has been caught and tossed into the back of a van...oh, this is interesting.  Nice ending.  We see a family reunion of sorts at the house, and then find Sarah and Ed injured and tied up but alive back in civilization.  The bad guys clearly didn't want to kill them, just scare them away and take their house back.  I like that restraint: a movie focusing on terrorizing rather than butchering.  It doesn't quite make total sense since, well, the couple could pretty easily lead authorities back to the house they legally purchased and have the people hanging out there arrested but...it still works well enough for me.

Final Thoughts: So so build with a little bit of tension and suspense but not nearly as much as I think could have been mustered...with that much space it may have been a stronger move to increase feelings of claustrophobia in contrast but, hey, we have what we have.  As noted above, the strong ending is really what make it all work in the long run.  Decent little flick.

Final Rating: Three Stars.

Movie 120: Maggie

Starring: Arnold Schwarzenegger, Abigail Breslin, Joely Richardson, Douglas M. Griffin, Richael Whitman Groves.

Director: Henry Hobson.

I've actually had this kicking around for awhile.  I was going to wait for when I do my inevitable zombie movie run, but with my running new horror flicks for a year end list, it seemed like this was as good a time as any.  I have doubts that it will make much of an impact on said list, but I've heard some okay things (and some not okay things) and figured I'd see for myself.  Arnold is more capable than he usually shows in film, so I have some faith that he can pull a good performance here...and Breslin is dynamite more often than not.

We open on a fairly grim environment: Arnold is on his way to the hospital to get his Daughter-who is infected by some sort of slow moving zombie virus-despite her telling him not to.  He's told the bad news: no cure, she'll turn, etc.  But he's allowed to take her home to "say his goodbyes."  None of this is very logical, but this is clearly a story of emotion over reason: A Father willing to do anything to keep his child with him, no matter the cost.

The whole color scheme of the film is very grey, and very subdued.  As Arnold drives past the graying, desolate countryside we see fires burning across the fields: we can see this is a world with little hope for recovery.  Like Arnold's Daughter, everything is slowly dying. Even when we see sunlight(after Wade gets Maggie out of the hospital), it's a washed-out, cold sunshine. It's a little heavy-handed, but it feels honest enough.

It doesn't take long for a regular zombie attack.  Wade and Maggie stop at a gas station and Wade is attacked by one of the living dead.  Being Arnold, he makes short work of his assailant.  It's brief, maybe a little too brief, but it's there.  We arrive home to see a worried (seemingly more skeptical) Mom, and two other children.  

Seems to me that this film is going to go for a pretty obvious allegory: that of terminal illness.  As Maggie's condition worsens, and the grief and confusion of her family increases, so will the world start to make less and less sense.  It's not a bad direction to take: most zombie films are, at their heart, a story of sociological deterioration. To take that element and point it at the microcosm of a single, American Heartland Family is actually a pretty intelligent perspective. But that allegory does work well.  Mom struggles with being angry at her Daughter's distance (apparently she had been gone for two weeks) while wanting to be happy she's home and to make the most of the short time Maggie has left.  Rather typical terminal illness response.

There are some beautifully arranged shots here, too: Arnold walks through his fields as the light dies, carrying a torch to burn his crops (apparently, the disease may be spread through crops?  A lot of plot details feel fuzzy here, possibly to purposefully mimic the confusion of our characters)...some really pretty shots.  Director Henry Hobson knows his way around camera movements and compositional framing: After an accident on the swings mangles Maggie's rotting finger, a shaky camera half exposes and half obscures the horror and confusion on Maggie's face: tears rolling her down her cheeks as she struggles with a pretty intense bout of body horror.

Zombie scenes are very quick but deliberate here. The director clearly wants to stay away from too much of the horror stuff here, perhaps as a desire to try and stay away from genre misconceptions(i.e. wanting to be seen as an art-house film and not a genre film).  This doesn't do the material any favors.  The script keeps falling into a "tell-not-show" mode of storytelling: we cut away from Wade having to put an axe through the head of a child zombie to Wade discussing the emotional weight of his actions with the police and his Wife(allowing two scenes to say basically the same thing: you know you're probably gonna have to kill your own Daughter, right?).  It allows Arnold to offer some emotional line reads but it doesn't help the overall emotional resonance of the film: showing Wade having to destroy those Zombies, perhaps in sight of his Daughter, would give us that recognition (assuming Arnold could do the acting job, which is at least a little in question) in a stronger fashion.

The hushed tones of dialogue and jumpy scene progression-Arnold has a midnight conversation with a gun toting neighbor that suddenly leads the pair into the woods for a scene that probably could have used more intensity, to her being taken away by police in fractured, blurry cuts-all screams pretension while attempting to appear artsy.  Heart is in the right place, but it all comes off as a futile attempt to be high-minded.  Some raw emotion is really needed here, and quickly.  The existential discussion of inevitability is an interesting one, but it isn't super engaging.

Yeah, my initial reaction was clearly on target.  We're discussing terminal illness here.  Wade is told by his Doctor that he has three options: turn Maggie over to the government(for "quarantine" which here means obvious destruction), wait awhile and euthanize her humanely with the same meds the government would use(allowing her to be with family instead of strangers), or put a gun against her head and end it quickly.  Not super subtle.  It's an effective conversation, but not subtle.  Nor is the (admittedly freaky) scene of Breslin waking up in the middle of the night to see rot spreading down her arm.

Living your life knowing how quickly it will end really seems to be the name of the game here.  Maggie, still deteriorating slowly, goes to spend time with her friends at a camp fire (among them other infected), discussing the nature of the illness and the costs of fighting with it: for the third time the argument against "quarantine" is made, still driving home the dehumanizing element of terminal illness.  I do wish we'd get a little more subtle, but...it works well enough.  It's a poignant film, even if it is manipulative and does way more hand-holding than necessary.

Final Thoughts: That's all of it a nutshell, really: it's all hand holding.  This couldn't be any less subtle.  That isn't to say that it's bad, though: a lot of the emotional beats do hit pretty well.  Again, it's all about the idea of terminal illness-albeit one that can legally, and responsibly, be euthanized-and the direct affect it has both for the family and for the society seeking to maintain itself.  There is a lot of sadness, confusion, anger and coldness throughout(and a fine sense of inevitable doom), all of which is logically presented, but the lack of subtlety and the over-emphasis on pretentious posturing ultimately make it ironically feel more hollow than poignant.  Everything looks good on the surface, but any effort to go deeper mostly falls flat.  Performance wise...well, Arnold is okay, Breslin is excellent.

Final Rating: Three Stars.

Movie 119: The Vatican Tapes

Starring: Olivia Taylor Dudley, Michael Pena, Dougray Scott, Kathleen Robertson, Djimon Hounsou.

Director: Mark Neveldine.

This movie sort of got quietly released over the summer to little fanfare, which doesn't fill with me an overabundance of confidence in its quality.  I had kind of burned myself out on possession films way back in September when I made the foolhardy decision to marathon that subgenre without stopping to consider just how thoroughly that subject matter had dominated the past five years or so.  The fact that this movie-opening with a montage of news reports and footage of exorcisms-utilizes footage I recognize from the abysmal The Devil Inside also worries me somewhat.  But, I'm running new horror movies from this year for a reason, and this one qualifies, so let's do it.

Plus, y'know, Djimon Hounsou is a great actor.  And the fact that Kathleen Robertson is in it tickles me, and makes me wonder if it's 1996 again.  

So footage of a girl looking weird when shouting equates to the antichrist.  Okay, then.  I'm starting to regret going for another Catholic possession film...but, open mind, Nathaniel, open mind.

I'm not saying that every single film should automatically ditch any and all stereotypes and tropes.  But there are certain overused ones-such as "Dad hates whoever his Daughter is dating"-that just come off as lazy and unearned.  It could have its uses: like if the boyfriend actually was a dick or whatever, and you earn it, that's fine.  

Actress Olivia Taylor Dudley(who I've seen in not-so-great-films like Paranormal Activity:The Ghost Dimension and The Chernobyl Diaries)-starring here as Angela(like an Angel, GET IT?!)-comes across as a prettier version of Patricia Arquette.  So far she's giving a fine performance, even though we haven't been told a lot about her, and I have some high hopes for her here.  The script's decision to utilize stereotypes like birds crashing into windows is less encouraging.  But back to the point about Angela: I don't know who she is or what she's generally like.  There weren't many scenes detailing her personality, so other than her Dad and Boyfriend acting confused at her behavior, I have no idea how all of this possession stuff is actually changing her.  

Man, this is using way too many possession movie cliches for my tastes...including the baffling additions of security footage and weird, pseudo-intimate camera angles, hospital room reflections...I just don't get these stylistic choices.  It's like they only appear in possession films, too.  But all of this medical drama stuff isn't really doing the film any favors, nor is the story choice of having months pass by, too.  A scene of a doctor guy stabbing himself in the eyes could have helped...but they cut away rather than go with it.  Michael Pena as the Priest always look like an overgrown eight year old to me.  Man, is this sloppy.

After what seems like an eternity of mental hospital cliches, we're off to Vatican City for what almost assuredly will be Catholic cliches.  Well, instead of Djimon Hounsou coming to American to do exorcism stuff-which might have actually been interesting-we get the old white guy instead because every one of these movies wishes it was The Exorcist.  I just don't get these movies: how do they happen?  What makes a screenwriter sit down and write one of these?  Considering how alike they are, the writer would HAVE to be aware of the dozens of other films just like it.  I can only assume this is the result of studios believing in this basic formula.  But, really: even some tweaking could make it more palatable: maybe with less self-seriousness?  Different archetypes?  Ditch the pseudo-science and the security footage and all that?  Hell, some of the best possession films in some time have even gotten rid of Catholicism.  I know that the rite of exorcism is big in Christianity but maybe trying something different could breath some life into this dreadful subgenre.

Also, how about a dude being possessed for once?  Why is it always a girl who must be saved by a bunch of older white men?  But, really, I'd settle for just some decent writing and interesting original scenes that aren't just retreads of every other movie of its kind.  

At least it isn't found-footage.

Final Thoughts: Meh.  Big huge bowl of meh.  I've seen worse, and I like the idea of the Anti-Christ being a hot chick.  But this...well, I mean, we've seen it before.  Many, many times.

Final Rating: Two Stars.

Movie 118: Lost After Dark

Starring: Sarah Fisher, Mark Wiebe, Jesse Camacho, Kendra Leigh Timmins, David Lipper, Robert Patrick.

Director: Ian Kessner.

Another film I don't know an awful lot about.  Clearly, everything about the box art screams a throwback to the 1980's.  But The Final Girls set a very high bar on that scene so I can't help but be skeptical about it.  It does have Robert Patrick, and seems to have a sense of humor.  It's not being meta, either, so at the very least that distances it from Final Girls. 

The occasional overexposure and "film crinkles" are...well, okay, I guess they're clever in concept but they mostly are just vaguely irritating distractions.  Especially considering that they didn't make the rest of the film look aged (like House Of The Devil did, which was another excellent throwback).  So there are these random overexposures meant to invoke the feel of an older film...but it doesn't look like an old film.   Plot and character wise...well, I'm not entirely sure the screenwriter and director really knew that much about the eighties.  Other than some pastels, letter jackets and a few other cliches, there's nothing super "80's" about it.  In fact, most of the costumes and make-up feel pretty modern(but that may not be the movies fault: just fashion).

Robert Patrick is a good choice for the no-nonsense school Principle who is tracking our delinquent leads.  A group of kids, meant to invoke 80's horror movie cliches, decide to take a school bus for a joy ride to a cabin in the woods.  Bus breaks down.  They end up going to the home of some backwoods psychopath instead.  Meanwhile, Robert Patrick bullies our final girl's Dad and together the pair go after the kids.

A lot of this isn't as clever as it thinks it is.  I'm not sure what exactly is missing here: maybe it's because this premise requires a total commitment that the filmmakers aren't comfortable making.  I feel like this would need to either be total, self-aware camp or subvert camp completely and play it straight, and it doesn't feel like the film is interested in doing either.  Those two things really can't meet in the middle, really.  The Final Girls kind of got away with it in small increments, and House of the Devil made the full commitment to playing things straight.  Lose After Dark probably could be something special if it went full-on camp and exaggerated its features: grainy filmstock, slang, absurd fashions and constant references.  But instead it seems to want to be all things to all people, and that's poison to a film with this kind of gimmick.  There's really nothing to specifically signify this as a throwback eighties flick: the camerawork and lighting are unmistakably modern(that damn blue filter that everyone uses nowadays is everywhere), and while many slasher tropes were codified during that era, they're not being utilized in any way that distances itself from any run-of-the-mill modern slasher.

The movie is a generic slasher flick that is inexplicably set in the Eighties, is basically what I'm saying.  The gimmick isn't really present, it's just being paid lip service.

Well, shit, there was one surprise!  Our final girl isn't so final.  That's pretty interesting.  She had all the traditional trappings of the final girl trope: virginal, smart, sweet natured.  Fascinatingly enough, her decency is what gets her killed.  Now I would assume the punk girl is the heroine, but with one solid move the film has called certain elements into question.  So, maybe if they're dropping their gimmick, they could still be subversive with character roles.  Maybe even the black guy will live?  Maybe?

The death scenes actually are pretty decent here, too.  When you set aside the gimmicky setting and see the film as just a normal slasher movie, you do tend to realize it isn't a bad one.  Now that it's moved into the slasher stuff, it's moving pretty fast...

Oh.  A "reel missing" title card?  You were doing well, movie.  Then you had to do that.

That killed a lot of momentum.  Now Robert Patrick has arrived on the scene to generally feel mostly out of place.  We're down to basically two characters, one of whom I had entirely forgotten about because these characters aren't super interesting(and well, she was the one who was supposedly dying during the while "reel missing" debacle).  I will say, though, this movie has a few unexpected moments, even if those are mostly because they go against type.  Then we add Robert Patrick to act kinda dumb...but he might actually end up being the hero here but probably not.

So, wait, a flashback to flesh out backstory AFTER the key action has wrapped up?  What the heck?

Final Thoughts: Like I said before.  For a atypical slasher film, this isn't necessarily a bad one.  The kill scenes are decent looking, it has some fun with certain expectations in who it kills off and when, and is reasonably well paced and direct.  That being said, its central gimmick is a complete wash, poorly executed and clumsily conceived.  It's not clever or interesting, it's just irritating.  Overall it's not a bad film, really...just isn't a terribly good one.

Final Rating: Two and a Half Stars.

Movie 117: The Shattering

Starring: Kai Devani, Elizabeth Weisbaum, Grayson Brengle, Holly Burns, James Frey, Ben Fritz.

Director: Jason Boritz

Another movie that I'm going into entirely blind.  I actually decided, purely for shits and giggles, to not even read the back of the DVD box.  I bought the film as part of a stack of modern films with the express desire of doing an end-of-the-year run for my forthcoming "Best Horror of the Year" post and mostly just liked the box art.  I was kind of hoping for a low budget Little Red Riding Hood/Werewolf film but I'm not getting that vibe from it.  But who knows?  It's clearly low budget, but the production values aren't bad enough to make me nervous yet. 

I'm actually wondering if this is a backwoods redneck survivalist film.  We have some hunters setting some booby traps in the woods, and some kids driving down a deserted road...so are the hunters gonna hunt the kids?  Maybe, maybe not.  That isn't the kind of movie I'm hoping to watch at the moment, but we'll see.  The kids seem pretty interchangeable: one of the guys is clearly cheating on his Girlfriend with one of the other girls in the car, one of the guys has sleep problems due to his Dad's death...

The hunters aren't hunters.  Apparently they're mercs, and they're staking out a cabin.  Maybe I shouldn't be jumping to conclusions after every scene and just let the movie happen, yeah? 

Okay, the elements appear to be: the hunters are attacking the kids, who are now holed up in a cabin after their car was taken down, and the driver was dragged into the woods by what seems to be a monster.  At least I assume it's a monster of some kind because, well, there are been shaky POV shots subsisting of some growling and stuff.  

The group of kids is fairly generic, complete with the group asshole who is throwing blame around, drinking, and generally being an upstanding citizen.  He is, of course, the one who has been or plans to be cheating on his Girlfriend...and she's apparently kinda hip to that whole thing, despite being the "panicky idiot" of the group.  Actually, the asian girl that the big meathead has been bedding might even be the heroine, though my money is on the blonde(since she and her boyfriend seem like the nice ones, and the blonde might actually have a terminal disease).

Ouch.  Awkward scene where panicky girl is told by d-bag boyfriend to "get a grip" and so she repeats "Get a grip" about eight times in a row.  Trinity, the asian girl, is definitely not the heroine.  But the movie is spending a lot of time on this angry love triangle thing and not nearly enough on getting the ball rolling on the actual greater conflict.  But Sarah, the wronged party, did just run out into the woods and our Mercs are closing in on her.  Not particularly bright of Sarah, though: I know you're upset right now, sweety, but there are people who want to kill you out there.

These kids are really kinda dumb.  It always does bother me when a character has a pretty decent plan(in this case, hide out in the cabin-which their assailants have yet to try and enter-until daylight and run for it then), and another character basically gets all sarcastic and bitchy about it like it's the dumbest thing they ever heard.  

Ooh, maybe there is a Werewolf!  The mercs are discussing werewolf saliva as some sort of cure-all...so maybe the kids are bait for a Werewolf so the mercs can capture or kill it?  Oh, wait: the blonde has a terminal disease.  Werewolf Saliva cures disease.  The large jerkwad thinks the main guy is hiding something...is this all part of a big master plan to cure his Girlfriend?  Mmmmmaybe.

Plot dump.  Looks like my theory was correct.  The land has Werewolves, the lead wanted to get some wolf spit to try and cure his Girlfriend...the land has a grisly back story about Native American slaughter.  They haven't quite explained why the guys outside are doing what they're doing, but our lead is apparently deciding it's time to run through the woods to the car...?  That doesn't make a lot of sense.

So, yeah, the mercs are using the kids as Werewolf bait.  Seems somewhat circumstantial.  Did the mercs know the kids were coming?  Did they cause them to come?  What is that all about?  Why is a movie about a Werewolf so damn slow and why are the characters so dull?  Starting to bug me a little.  Especially now that the movie has gone in the direction of a character reading from a found diary that details Werewolf antics that would almost certainly be more interesting than what is going on on the screen.  Glad you told me about it, movie.

These people do not respond properly to mortal danger.  They were flat out told to run in a straight line out of the damn woods but instead stop to bicker, examine corpses and generally just do a lot of yelling.  Finally the last of the hunter dudes shows up and actively reminds them of their original objective: keep. running. morons.

Terminally ill girl is clearly now a Werewolf...hopefully we'll get to actually see one.  We got a quick reveal of our main guys actually back story...and then she starts to transform(with quick cutaways and stuff).  Oh, hell, then we jump to the next morning, a dull voiceover and...what the hell movie?  This could have been a film that worked if you had some better pacing and some decent ingenuity.  

Final Thoughts: Mediocre, irritating and frustratingly filled with actual potential that gets completely dashed rather quickly.  Just...a lot of missed opportunity here.  Disappointing.

Final Rating: Two Stars.

Movie 116: A Christmas Horror Story

Starring: William Shatner, George Buzna, Rob Archer, Zoe De Grand Maison, Alex Ozerov, Shannon Kook, Amy Forsyth.

Director: Grant Harvey, Steven Hoban, Brett Sullivan.

Well, it's a day late, but we'll still get it pounded out.  Happy Boxing Day to all!  I don't know much about this whatsoever, apparently Shatner is in it(which, y'know, could go either way) and the cover art promises a fight between Santa and Krampus.  Y'know, where did all this Krampus love come from?  Suddenly it was just everywhere the past couple of years.  I'm kind of sick of hearing about friggin' Krampus.  But, his titular film wasn't bad this year and this looks like the kind of tongue-in-cheek horror comedy that is self aware enough to be tolerable.  

Opening with kinda creepy but kinda cool sounding autotuned Christmas carols is kind of a nice touch.  I dig it.  It's a little odd that this movie has three directors and four writers, though, and that kind of makes me a little nervous that I'm walking into a trap.

So, Santa Claus looks like Odin and has a big scar on his face.  That already kinda makes me like this a bit.  An Shatner as a religious radio DJ, which is also kind of pretty fantastic.  I'd say that Shatner looks pretty good for his age, but I know a lot of that is movie magic.  But, technically, it's still pretty true: the guy is not a young man, be he doesn't look his age.

Outside of All-Father Santa and DJ Shatner, no other character has proven to be terribly interesting: a dysfunctional family, a quarter of teens trying to develop some sort of news video project at the site of a violent tragedy and a black family breaking into a restricted area to cut down a Christmas Tree.  Not a lot of personality is given to any of them, nor is there anything to necessarily suggest that they're anywhere near geographic proximity.  

The Dysfunctional family visits their elderly Aunt and the kid breaks a figurine of Krampus...the Aunt and her caretaker freak out and we're off to an actually really interesting scene at the North Pole where Santa's elf Shiny gets sick, refuses Mrs.Claus(who is much hotter than most incarnations) cookies and then freaks out, puts an axe through his own hand and dies.  This alarms Santa because you don't usually see that kind of behavior in Elves...and, apparently, Elves cannot die.  Not sure what all of this has to do with each other but...we'll get there, I think.  I hope.

I'd really rather just watch what's going on at the North Pole.  Seriously, that movie is interesting...the other movies really aren't.  I'm not even sure what's going on in those...is this supposed to be an anthology?  I'm now wondering if that's the reason for multiple directors and writers: that this movie is actually cobbled together from three or four films that didn't pan out and all took place around Christmas.  There is literally nothing holding these together.

I'd be down with the mildly connecting anthological style (hey, it worked for Trick 'r Treat) but these stories aren't terribly interesting.  We have what appears to be a zombie-elf story(which is rad), an evil(or possessed) kid story, a ghost story and whatever is going on with the dysfunctional family getting stuck on the road.    They're mostly dull stories that really don't seem to be going anywhere.  Hell, the possessed kid story has almost nothing to do with Christmas at all, but at least we have the creepy kid feeling up his Mom or whatever.

Meanwhile, in the family story, Dad just got torn open by a chain or something but is taking it extraordinarily well(almost casually asking "Am I shot?").  It seems they're going to be hunted by Krampus.  And then we're back to the North Pole.  I just want to stay with this story, movie.  Santa vs zombie elves is a movie I'd love to watch in it's entirety.   I mean, Santa just walks out of an elevator filled with the zombified corpses of elves he just killed, and it's the awesomest thing ever.

Oh, the story of the black family with the possessed kid is using the mythical Changeling, which is kinda rad.  The Changeling isn't used nearly often enough (in fact, not sure I've seen these guys outside of a really creepy episode of Supernatural).  The Changeling is a demonic creature that takes a child, replaces it, and then feeds off the life force of the parents.  They're creepy little fuckers and I'm glad to see them getting some play here.  I wish the movie had a little bit more excitement to back it up, but the heart is there.  

Actually, I think I could probably say that about most of the stories: there's sizzle but no steak.  With the exception of the teens in the murder convent or whatever, the stories all have some fun elements: Zombie Elves, Krampus, Changelings...mostly boring and underwhelming characters and poorly paced story beats, but good ideas.  Krampus doesn't look that bad, either, for a low budget film.  Practical effect, clearly a guy in a costume and make-up.  Looks a lot like the monster from The Unnamable actually.

Seriously, though: The Santa Vs. Zombie-Elves is easily the best story going on here.  It has a fantastic amount of kinetic energy and a fun absurdist quality that makes it very watchable.  I just wish it was around for more than five minutes at a time.  We went back to the Changeling story...where our lead character has doomed herself in a big way(or maybe not.  Eleventh hour plot twist changes things up, but not in any way that makes sense).  The Changelings actually look pretty okay, too.  Some surprisingly strong practical effects in this film.  The Zombie Elves have good gory make-up, Krampus and The Changelings...there's a lot of good in this film. It just fails on every storytelling and directional level, especially the teen ghost story.  Just about every element of that segment falls apart.  Actually, the Krampus story had a pretty neat ending, despite the awkwardness getting there.  The whole thing does have a really fun ending.  Pretty grim but entertaining.

Final Thoughts:  Lots of fun stuff happening here and there, like small nuggets of fun in an otherwise numb and lumbering, boring set of storylines with underwhelming characters and poor direction.  There are great effects, fun ideas, a kick-ass Viking Santa totally ruining the days of zombie elves, and William Shatner just kinda hanging around not doing much.  I'd probably call it an interesting failure.

Final Rating: I'm torn.  I both love and hate parts of this movie equally.  I'll give it the benefit of the doubt on stuff and err on the side of the elements I enjoyed and toss a Three Star Rating at it...but really, I have reservations about that.

Movie 115: Black Christmas(2006)

Starring: Katie Cassidy, Michelle Tratchenberg, Mary Elizabeth Winstead, Lacey Chabert, Crystal Lowe, Kristen Cloke, Andrea Martin.

Director: Glen Morgan.

So, this is a new addition to my Holiday traditions: the well-cast but deeply mediocre remake of a true classic.  Basically, I love Katie Cassidy.  I have ever since I saw Harper's Island and that unrequited love affair continued through this, the remake of A Nightmare on Elm Street, and  TV series Supernatural and Arrow.  The lovely Ms.Cassidy is hardly the only one loved in this film: the entire main cast is a wonderful group of young, beautiful actresses.  Unfortunately for all of them, and for all of us watching it, it's an awful film.  But, we'll give it another spin.  After all, it IS Christmas, which is a time for charity and...

....this is gonna hurt.

Been on for thirty seconds and I already take issue with the director's choices: using upbeat Christmas music and adding snow to the proceedings: I'm not one to bitch about changes being made when doing a remake-and I don't hate remakes, I really don't-but...I dunno, this story seems to be made more for quiet, stillness, and isolation.  Adding snow flurries...well, uh, it makes it a White Christmas, does it not?

Ugh, why is Billy yellow?  Seriously?  I hate this movie.  But we cut to the beautiful Katie Cassidy and suddenly I feel better...except she's making out with someone who isn't me, so...and he just said "I'm your family now" which just seems, I dunno, weird and creepy.  Of course, he's cheating on her.  

Interesting choice to make every girl in the house a cold-hearted bitch.  It's tonal dissonance, get it?!  GET IT?!  

Anyway, housemate Megan apparently has decided to spend her Christmas Eve watching the video of Katie Cassidy's boyfriend doing her from behind.  Over and over again.  That's...some pretty holy jolly stuff.  The original had likable, interesting people in it...this one has these people all rolling their eyes at each other.  I will say the movie has no fear of a fast pace: body count is already at three and we're not even at the twenty minute mark yet.  The kill scenes are kinda lazy and trying to be extra aggressive...but it just feels flat and hollow.

The attempts at comedy, too, fall flat.  If I hear one more Santa-related sexual innuendo I'm probably going to scream and throw myself out a window.

Oh, god, the flashback.  I just can't deal with the flashback.  I don't need a backstory for Billy any more than I needed him to break out of a mental institution or any of the horror cliches the screen writers wanted to throw in.  I especially don't need incest, yellow skin or any of that stuff.  Some of the cinematography isn't so bad, though: good use of the space and off-lighting makes it all look very...weird. That's not a bad thing because, well, it's a weird movie.  It does make me feel like someone had a case of Tim Burton-envy but...I mean, who'd want to imitate Tim Burton?

Crystal Lowe as Lauren is pretty fantastic, actually: she's carrying the obvious torch that Margot Kidder left behind.  It's no easy feat: Kidder left big shoes, for one, but also Lauren is given some awkward dialogue.  Her speech about the pagan origins of Christmas stuff is a tough bit of stuff, and...well, it's also not particularly great.  It's not that it's untrue-most of the origins she mentions are accurate-it's just kind of annoying.  She's easy on the eyes, too...while basically wearing a t-shirt and pajama pants.

I had forgotten about Agnes and all that nonsense.  Bleh.

Kelli's boyfriend is busted.  Hugely busted.  Caught sneaking into the other girl's bedroom...and Kelli now sees his extracurricular exploits.  I wish these characters were given more than a single character trait, though: Kelli is nice, Lauren is drunk and crass, Mary Elizabeth is uptight, Chabert is...well, I dunno what she's supposed to be.  Vain?  Michelle Tratchenberg is, well, she takes care of Lauren.  It's a great cast and they're capable of so much more character work than this script allows.  Might have been a better idea to cut a character or two and flesh out the remaining ones with more than a one sentence description.  Hell, you devoted this much effort to fleshing Billy out (for some reason), so why not the actual characters?

Oh, ha. ha. movie.  Billy makes cookies out of his dead parents or whatever.  Hilarity.  Coulda spent that time making Kelli and the others more interesting.  Or even give some sort of larger plot or...anything.  At least the film gives Cassidy some opportunity to emote when she discovers her Boyfriend is kind of a dick.  He's a real prince, and we get our first glimpse that there may be SOME sort of unity among the characters when they band together to toss the shitheel out.  I would have liked to have seen more of that, really: it wasn't a bad scene at all.

It's odd: the movie begins with a lot of quick kills, which you'd think would promise a fast pace.  But the movie has slowed to an absolute crawl.  Takes twenty minutes for Lacey Chabert to crawl under the house to switch the main breaker(which seems like a poor place to put a breaker).  Chabert is summarily dispatched(after about four scenes, which makes me wonder why they cast a name actress like Chabert for the role),  but it still feels like they took the long way around.  Not a lot was actually done in any of that time besides some brief speeching by Clares older sister who showed up(replacing the great Mr.Harrison) and the stuff with the boyfriend.  

Even now, when they found corpses and the like, things just seem to be...well, stagnant.  The music is telling me a bunch of urgency, and Cassidy gets some time to freak out but it still feels inert somehow.  I mean we get some arguing, and House Mom and uptight girl are off to get help and Cassidy gives a "we're sisters, time to act like it" that could have been better punctuated by the cinematography but is still okay.

Well, okay, now we're just wiping cast members out.  Hell, House Mom isn't even killed by Billy: she gets a icicle through the head.  Tratchenberg gets to put up a good fight, which I'm glad to see...but it still just seems like kind of a messy scene.  I really do blame poor pre-production for this movie: the script is a mess, it's poorly conceived and the director really isn't doing much to make things better: his camera moves are too absurd to really work(this absurdity could have worked if the script was a bit more fun and wacky, but it can't seem to decide on a what kind of story it wants to be).

Man, I really did not need Billy to molest Lauren while she was sleeping.  I get that the equivalent scene-Barb's Death in the original-had some creepy molesty undertones but...they're better as undertones.  The molestation ends with Lauren attempting an offense, and then her being pinned down and stabbed with the unicorn like the original film...but it still just feels gross.  Not in a good way.

Things do start to get more kinetic once we're down to two characters, but at this point it seems like too little too late.  While I appreciate an exciting climax, it would have been nice to have some sort of strong build to it, especially (and I can't say this enough) given the rather extraordinary cast they gathered for the film.  I always thought Katie Cassidy could have been a fantastic scream queen(and in some ways she is, considering that she did star in two different big name horror remakes) but she's Black Canary now so I guess she's doing pretty okay for herself.  

At least I got to spend some of my Christmas Eve with Katie Cassidy.

Final Thoughts: What a mess.  Poor scripting, scattered direction, and laborious pacing are just a few of the numerous problems plaguing this film.  It should have been a slam dunk-remaking a film like Black Christmas shouldn't have been tough-but somehow, someway, they managed to botch nearly every aspect of production along the way.  This is, of course, exempting the casting agent, who did an excellent job gathering a very talented group of young and interesting actresses to ultimately be poorly utilized and under supported.  It's a shame.  Really is.

Final Rating: We'll go with Two Stars for the cast alone.  Merry Christmas, Katie Cassidy!

Movie 114: Black Christmas(1974)

Starring: Olivia Hussey, Margot Kidder, Keir Dullea, John Saxon, Andrea Martin, Marian Waldman, Doug McGrath.

Director: Bob Clark.

It's Christmas Eve.  I had my Christmas Dinner, put up my Christmas Lights, and am ready to begin my own personal solo holiday tradition: Black Christmas.  And later Scrooged but first Black Christmas.  Not only is this my second favorite Holiday Movie(after Scrooged) but is generally one of my favorite horror films ever.  It's remarkably influential but criminally underrated: it basically inspired big bits of Halloween and When A Stranger Calls.  Those later movies get all the credit, but Bob Clark's Black Christmas got to a lot of those themes and scary bits first.

Bob Clark gets things rolling with some wonderfully voyeuristic photography: first a still steady cam pushing in on the house(brightly lit against what is basically a pure dark landscape), then moving with a creeping stillness from window to window as we see the shapes of the Women inside.  Then we cut to a harsh, shaky low angle shot-a shot from the point-of-view of the creepy, murderous Billy-moving quickly through the yard and up some siding into the attic.  These two juxtaposed styles make up almost all of the shots: a still steadicam and shaky POV, and both give off the creepy feeling of voyeurism. 

Margot Kidder is pure dynamite in this.  Oliva Hussey may be the star, and is pretty and british, but Kidder as the vulgar, alcoholic Barb is simply to die for.  Out of all the ladies living at this sorority, Barb would be the one I'd choose above all.  Beyond simply being awesome, she's really cute.

The creepy phone calls Billy makes are...well, jesus, they're some of the scariest things I've ever witnessed in film.  As the camera moves over the faces of the creeped out girls(well, save Barb, who finds it all very amusing), with Billy's hissing, moaning and obscene comments...well, it's freaky.  The creepiest part is, of course, when Barb takes the phone and begins insulting Billy, who then calmly states "I'm going to kill you" and hangs up.  Even the unshakable Barbs' face falls when he says that.  It's one of the creepiest moments in film, hands down.  One of my absolute favorite scenes.

The plastic wrap scene gets a lot of credit(it's not as good as the phone call scene but to each their own) as the best sequence in the film: nervous, sweet Clare gets choked out with plastic wrap(in a blurry and intense burst of violence that is over as quick as it begins...not a lot of wasted moments in Black Christmas) and is taken to the attic where she is propped up and goes undiscovered the entire film.  It is one of the most shocking moments in the film, for sure, but it doesn't quite get to me the way the phone call does.  

Lots of great comedy in this film, too, which is something that I don't hear talked about that often.  It might be a little dated, but watching Mrs.Mac flit through the house grabbing all of the bottles of brandy she has stashed throughout the place...it's very funny.  It's hardly the funniest part of the whole film (we'll totally get to that, though) but it is very funny.

"Ho ho ho,shit."  "Ho ho ho,fuck."  Classic stuff.  I say that a lot this time of year and nobody gets me.  It always makes me laugh.  Phyl's boyfriend doesn't get a lot of air time, but he makes it count wearing that ill-fitting Santa suit and cursing in front of small children.  

Poor Mr.Harrison.  Comes to the campus to find his Daughter only to find her missing.  James Edmond gives a really good performance throughout the film-very sympathetic-as a man desperate to find his Daughter.  He's a support player and doesn't get a lot to do, but he also gives a lot with very little.  I always found him quietly charming, even though we get to know very little about him (other than that he's a bit uptight, but that goes out the window when things get serious).

An abortion subplot in a movie made in 1974.  That's pretty incredible, really.  Jess is pregnant with Peter's Baby and has decided outright that she does not want to have that baby.  Peter, as a guy in a seventies movie, is not happy or supportive of Jess' decision.  "I don't want it" Jess says.  "You can't make a decision like that, you haven't even asked me yet!" Peter protests.  You're a heel, Peter.  The creepy part, though, is that obscene phone caller Billy seems to know that Jess is pregnant.

Black Christmas is probably one of the most honest films I've ever seen, too.  Every character, no matter how minor, takes all the information with the seriousness that a real individual would: When Jess informs Clare's Hockey-Player boyfriend Chris about Clare's disappearance, he is ready to drop absolutely everything.  There are some nice moments between Chris and Mr.Harrison, too.  Chris also supercedes dipshit Sargeant Nash and goes straight to Detective Fuller(the amazing John Saxon)...and then he and Mr.Harrison(along with Jess and Phyl) join a group search for both Clare and a missing girl.  Interestingly enough, there's nothing to directly connect Clare and the missing little girl.  Like, they never pin it on Billy(not that we're ever sure of Billy's actual identity).  The movie points at Peter as a potential suspect for SOME sort of criminal activity...even though it's pretty clear that he and Billy are not one and the same.  I sometimes wonder if Peter killed the missing little girl?

My favorite part of the film is getting to the part where you realize Margot Kidder isn't doing an awful lot of acting.  Like, she isn't drinking the usual movie-booze Iced Tea.  It's probably between the Fellatio scene(a very funny bit) and her recounting of the Monkey's having sex for three days.  She starts looking kinda rough in those scenes and seems to be in the film less and less after that.

Great moment when the little girl(Janice) is found.  Mr.Harrison runs to see if it's Clare, sees that it isn't, and then looks guilty and lost when Janice's Mother runs to see what's there...it's a beautiful little moment from a character that really has no business getting that kind of moment.  Beautifully handled little scene.

Peter is such a dick.  Like, seriously.  I don't know what Jess ever saw in him.  Nash fails to notice that Jess's crank call complaint is from the same address as one of the missing girls the department is looking for: Mr.Harrison doesn't miss it whatsoever and takes it right to my main man Fuller.  Man, I love Mr.Harrison!  But seriously: Peter.  Such an ass.  "I'm leaving the conservatory and we're getting married."  Well, good of you to ask Jess about it, you jerk.  Jess informs Peter she doesn't want to drop her whole life "just because his plans have changed."  Peter further his proves his doucheyness by calling Jess "a selfish bitch" and yelling about her "killing his baby."  What an ass.

Cut to the funniest scene in the film: Fuller looks at Nash's report and sees the "Fellatio" stuff he wrote down earlier.  He does a spectacular double take, and the other Detective bursts into hysterial laughter and KEEPS LAUGHING during the entire scene.  Fuller finds it very funny, too.  Then Nash, giving a wonderful straight performance, says "I know...it's something dirty, ain't it?!"  The Detective laughs even harder.  Makes me crack up every single time.

Fuller and the phone company are complete professionals.  If I ever need police protection, I hope they send me John Saxon.  I don't even care if he isn't a real cop.  Just send Saxon.

Nice juxtaposition of the carolers outside and Billy sneaking into Barb's room and killing her with a really pretty crystal unicorn.  It's the only shot we get of Billy in full, but all we see is a shadow and a single eye.  His whispering: "It's me.  Billy.  Won't tell what we did" is just so super creepy...and all those voices he can duplicate on the phone...man, creepy, creepy stuff.  "Just like having a wart removed."  Sends shivers up the spine.

Actually, there is only one time where I find I don't like the comedy cutting into things: after Barb's death and Billy calls again, there's a bit where one of the cops come in with buckshot in his ass.  It's cute, but it does cut right into the tension of the film-especially considering it casts shade at Peter-and it's kinda disappointing.

Peter then calls to weep and beg Jess not to have an abortion.  Man up, Pete, you jackass.  Fuller suspects the douche.  As he should.  There's another tension killer right after with a couple of local yahoos with the neighborhood watch.  It's a little late in the game to throw more comedy in, and really is probably the only flaw in the proceedings.  

The calls are coming from inside the house!  Y'know, if I should ever become a cop, I don't want to be the guy who is put on house detail.  Those guys never make it.  Seriously, every single time cops are put on a stakeout to watch a house, they get murdered.  Nash, of course, screws up the call to Jess...Fuller specifically told him not to tell her the truth about the calls coming from inside the house so of course he does.  Jess should just get out but, hell, I'd probably go back for my friends, too.  It would have helped in Nash had told her Fuller would be there in a few minutes...I might just wait for back-up under those circumstances.

Jess takes down Peter, who seems like he was definitely Billy.  Jess is surrounded by Fuller, Chris and Mr.Harrison...and then they all leave a comatose Jess alone when Harrison faints.  And then the camera pans upstairs...

Final Thoughts:  It's a simple, honest and direct film by all accounts.  There's nothing flashy about it, it's not gory or particularly scandalous: it's just a dark story about people being vicitimized on Christmas.  The comedy is often very funny but does get a little irritating before the credits roll.  Everyone is good in it, though, and it's one of the few films I genuinely do get creeped out by.  Extraordinary film.

Final Rating: Four Stars.

Happy Holidays, Ya Bums.  From your friendly neighborhood film critic and his Minions of Evil.

Movie 113: Silent Night (2013)

Starring: Malcolm McDowell, Jaime King, Donal Logue, Rick Skene, Ellen Wong, Courtney-Jane White, Brendan Fehr.

Director: Steven C. Miller

Well, we've finished the dreadful Silent Night, Deadly Night franchise to come to this loose remake of the original film.  At least, I think this is a remake.  It certainly seems like it is. Yeah, the back cover of the DVD invokes the originals name on purpose. That's an interesting cast list right there-I mean, besides Jaime King who I know from...wait, what do I know her from?-so we'll see what happens.

If nothing else, we have some better production values than any of the original five films had...in fact, this credit sequence looks to come right out of a TV serial killer procedural.  Dirty bathrooms, blue filters over all the lights, weird clownish mask and now a...Santa costume.  Aaaaaand, we're off!

Santa here seems to be something of a vigilante killer with Saw-like devices mixed with festive Christmas decorations on them.  It's derivative but I'm reasonably comfortable with that considering what we're dealing with here.  It would be insane to have any sort of expectations from this film.  Sheriff Malcom McDowell calls Deputy Jaime King and tells her she has to work Christmas Eve.  She protests, saying she can't work because "it's a tough day for her."  He's a jerk about it, but he isn't wrong: "It's Christmas Eve for all of us."  I would assume Police work is one of those jobs that you don't really get holidays off.  Hell, you don't really get 'em off if you're in hospitality or work at the 7-11, either.  Anyway, Deputy Jaime goes downstairs and hugs her Dad, who is played by Not-Rob-Reiner.

Wow, I don't know who this kid is but she deserves a smack.  She smacks her Mothers heart medicine out of her hand, demands to go to the mall, her Mother actually obeys her bitchy hellspawn...and then Santa kills her with a taser.  Okay, then.  Thanks, Movie!

Um...okay, so this movie is clearly going for some sort of audacious comedy tone, it seems.  Between the aforementioned scene of the bratty kid getting killed and the local Priest creepily hitting on Deputy Jaime King(because, uh, that totally happened)....well, they're clearly going for that sort of over-the-top dickish comedy thing.  Everyone in town seems to be some kind of jerk, pervert or both except for Deputy Jaime King, who is clearly pure of heart and loves everybody.  It isn't super funny so far.  Not ha-ha funny anyway.  Kind of weird and creepy.

Donal Logue is up to his old tricks: he's dressed as Santa Claus, he's a smart ass, and has been making kids cry by "telling them the truth about their parents."  It's a little funny, mostly 'cause Logue is good at what he does.  The dialogue is a bit arch for him to completely make work and it's a pretty awkward schtick he's being asked to do.  But, a little funny.

Oh, our first call back to the original.  Comatose old man wakes up to tell his douchey teenaged grandson that Christmas Eve is the scariest night of the year and that he better watch out for Santa and then goes back to being a vegetable.  I am hoping that this movie finds some cohesion soon, though: the "good natured Jaime King talking to every single character in town one at a time" bit is already wearing thin and we got a long ways to go.  

Thank You, Movie.  Jaime King found a body and Santa's evil fortress of solitude/murder.  Santa and Superman both live at the north pole so I had to mention that parallel somehow.

Well, Killer Santa has busted up a photoshoot and is chasing a topless girl around...it's a bit trashy and exploitive but, again, consider the source material...she ran by a wood chipper and I wondered for only a second if they were going to just pass that on by.  Instead she hears it turn on, stops and investigates for some reason.  He cuts off her leg with an axe, picks her and her severed leg up, and lowers her into the wood chipper feet first...dude, that's pretty dark movie.  That's even a bit much for ME and I've kinda seen it all.

This is the second time a deputy has tried to get out of work due to some minor thing.  Sheriff McDowell is being portrayed as something of a jerk but I once again think he's totally right.  The male deputy says he has a cold and "doesn't feel well enough to be fighting crime."  He's told to "man up" and I couldn't agree more.  The dude is law enforcement, come on.  McDowell is also supposed to be seen as having hubris when he refuses to tell the towns folk about the killer, suggesting "Never present a problem, only a solution."  Again, I find it absolutely right.  

Creepy Priest is creepy.  "Spread some holiday joy" he leers as he photographs young women...well, now Killer Santa has come to his church to take the guy out.  The Priests' sermon is kinda neat, though, I gotta say.  I, too, blame "American Idol" for the spread of sin in our society, too.  Actually, the actor is giving a great, hammy performance.  At least until Santa carved him up.  Aww, Killer Santa didn't kill the old lady that witnessed him killing the Priest.  Instead, he gives her money.  That's awfully nice.  Kinda heart warming.  I like Killer Santa more now.  

Not so bad flash back scene: Lunatic guy got mad when his Wife left him, dressed up as Santa, grabbed a homemade flame thrower and attacked the Holiday Party they went to, and murdered his wife.  It's a simplistic flash-back sequence, but still fairly stylish: black and white except for the Santa costume and the fire from the flame thrower.  

That's followed up by another halfway decent scene: King calls her Dad, who is a former cop, and he gives her a really nice pep talk.  It was a surprisingly effective scene, if not a little superficial over all. The movie is now piling up some okay content...McDowell is having a blast with his over-the-top role, too.  His gung-ho, cliched cop dialogue is being played with as much absurdity as he can muster, and it's more fun than it should be.  I'm actually assuming he IS the evil Santa Claus, really.  But we'll see if that plays out.  I guessed the Robot/Puppet shit in the last movie, so...yeah.  Tonally it's a bit off, but that's true of the entire film: I mean, in the middle of this weird comedic thing there was that pretty savage wood chipper scene.

Nope, it's not McDowell.  He's on the phone with the mayor as Evil Santa kills the guy, so I guess I was wrong on that.  It's probably for the best: I don't think I would have been all that thrilled with that plot twist anyway.  Just like I'm not all that thrilled with "Ho ho ho" being utilized in a blow job scene.  Too easy, screenwriter, really.  I mean, this was after the girl, dressed in a Sexy Santa costume, makes mention of wanting to get "Santa's Sack."  Honestly.  

I'd forgotten Donal Logue was even in this.  They brought him back to be arrested (I doubt he's actually the killer, but he isn't denying it) and give a monologue about his own disgust and disappointment about Christmas. And he just denied it.  Was pretty sure it wasn't.  I'm actually kinda worried that it's her Dad, but he doesn't seem to be in good enough shape to murder people and stuff.  I'm more hoping it's not a character we've met(and we don't have many left) and just some random murderer.

King just more or less solved her "I don't have it in me" subplot by taking down the coke dealer she tangled with earlier.  Good for her.  I'm actually beginning to really like her character, actually.  McDowell is too wrapped up in macho stuff and eager to have the it all over and done with to be the actual hero of the film, so she was certainly needed.  

Aww, a "Garbage Day" reference.  Thanks, Movie.  That was actually kinda nice.  I sincerely liked that.

Not her Dad.  So, random guy it is.  Actually, we have, like, three characters left alive here.  Coming up on the end, I think...Donal Logue is gonna apparently fight the killer.  I don't think the character has quite grasped what's going on, though, despite the dude carrying a fire axe.  But, obviously, the movie wanted a Santa Vs. Santa fight scene in the film and, hey, can't say I hate the idea.  It's visually interesting enough, no matter how short it ended up being.

The added flashback showing that King's Dad took down the old Bad Santa guy wasn't needed.  They'd established that pretty well with dialogue earlier.  But, okay, anyway, let's just end this thing.

Final Thoughts: Meh, I've seen a lot worse.  The movie makes the right call shying away from some of the more shocking excesses of the original franchise by keeping things mostly in the realm of tongue-in-cheek humor.  Not that this film was without it's own atrocities-that wood chipper scene was pretty gruesome and a bit out of place-but it mostly kept itself moving along well enough.  So-so stuff.

Final Rating: Let's go with a Two and a Half Star Rating, shall we?

Movie 112: Silent Night, Deadly Night 5: The Toy Maker

Starring: Jane Higginson, Tracy Fraim, Brian Bremer, William Thorne, Neith Hunter, Clint Howard(again?) and Mickey Rooney(?!)

Director: Martin Kitrosser.

So, Mickey Rooney is playing a guy name Joe Petto.  This is almost enough for me to just throw this in the trash and do anything else.  But, I'm a professional.  Well, okay, rank amateur.  Committed to this project, at any rate.

I actually don't think I've seen this!  I thought I had seen all of these at some point before but none of this is ringing a bell at all.

Kid opens door, finds gift, Dad (sporting a pimping necklace) gets mad and sends the kid to bed.  Dad opens gift, finds toy that switches from Christmas music to a Funeral Dirge...and then it totally grabs his face and kills him in slow motion why son watches.  Okay, maybe there's some fun to be had here?  Maybe?

We have Screaming Mad George back, and Yuzna is given a writing and producer credit...and a couple of those cast members were in Initiation so...now I'm torn between cautious optimism and existential dread.

Two weeks later and Mom and the Kid are moving on with their life...even though the killer toy is, uh, on the shelf in the kids room(what?)...anyway, it seems like the kid might be unable to speak now.  But, really Mom, what the hell are you doing talking to him while he's watching "G.I.Joe?!"  Have some respect.  I kind of burst into hysterical laughter when Mom tells Kim (apparently entirely recovered from her epic battle against mostly ineffective witches and Clint Howard) that The Doctor told her "not to worry" that her son can't talk now: "It's perfectly natural for a kid to stop speaking after a traumatic event and that it's probably temporary."  It's the "perfectly" and "probably" that really get me.  Anyway, Mom's early nineties oversized sweater, waist-level oversized belt, conservative bun hairstyle and ankle length skirt (the sweater and skirt are earth-toned) is absolutely gorgeous.  It's very 90's but...I find that style to be so amazingly sexy.  I'm not being sarcastic, either: I just love it.  Doesn't hurt that actress Jane Higginson is a classic beauty: big dark eyes, shiny smile and dark hair.  I kind of love her. 

Dude.  So gorgeous.

Apparently, Joe Petto runs the local toy store with his creepy weirdo son.  Rooney just had an amazing line read, though, growling: "I. Oughta. Break. You. IN. HALF!" to creepy son.  Good stuff there, Mickey.  I loved you in The Simpsons.  

I'm glad we had a whole scene of an angry motel owner trying to evict some guy who seems to be investigating the death of Mom's Husband...and buying the guy off with a Toy of a weird worm like thing from Initiation and...man, I'm in over my head here.  That scene literally only happened to increase the films body count, because the motel owner is about the die from the toy.  It crawls into his mouth while the guy is driving and, while it's fun to see the actor struggle with a plastic toy...well, okay, it just ate the guys eyes before he crashed and died in an explosion.  Wow.  Okay, then.

Mom is always interrupting this kid when he's doing rad stuff.  First during G.I. Joe and now when he's jamming out to music or his speak-and-spell or whatever it is he was doing with his headphones. By the way, Mom is rocking a denim jacket(with the sleeves rolled up, guys) and Mom jeans.  Still very hot.  I don't mean to come off as male-gaze guy when I do these, so I hope nobody sees my commentary on the attractiveness of stars come across that way.  I actually happen to think there are a plethora of beautiful actresses in these old horror flicks and I just like to recognize them as such.

Anyway, still a movie going on.  Sorta.  There's a scene with the guy from the motel as a Santa Claus who doesn't manage to give any specific warnings, just paws at the kid yelling "don't go!" over and over again.  Then Mom(Sarah) goes home, takes out some garbage, gets worried about the kid, runs up and is shocked as Joe Petto's creepy son(Pino, because...jesus, is he gonna turn out to be a living doll?  Good lord, movie, please don't) bursts out of the closet and runs away...then she yells at Joe about it.  

By the way, Clint Howard is not reprising his role from the previous film, but it appears Neith Hunter is(or is playing a character of the same name) and...now I can't focus on anything but the idea that Pino is going to be a living doll robot or some shit.  Even Sarah wearing the most hideous, brightly colored robe I've ever seen can't dissaude me from that terrible, all-encompassing thought.

Even the most early nineties kid I've ever seen-purple wind-breaker, oversized backwards hat, parachute pants and roller blades-being thrown into traffic but those rollerblades turned ever...and then having the most over-the-top bandages ever, cannot save me.  I now just KNOW Pino is gonna be a living doll creature.

I think this long-haired goof is supposed to be the hero of this film and, as such, he should probably refrain from showing up at the homes of children saying "Hey, I wanna be your friend" and then offering them wrapped gifts saying "very special present for a very special boy."  Not, uh, very heroic.  He also probably shouldn't chase Sarah-who he is now making out with?-through a parking garage.  This plot twist of Sarah and the guy making out...not sure what to make of that.

Oh, the guy is the kid's biological father.  So, Merry Christmas, kid!  The man you knew as your Father is dead but you get a brand new one!  Assuming he lives, of course.

Oh, this might be the grossest sex scene ever...made only slightly better by the killer toys(including a T-Rex!) creeping towards the young couple.  The guy asking her to lick his earlobe just seems sad.  The toys had a pretty solid game plan here, though, I'll give them that.  I do wonder why Joe Petto dressed as Santa to kidnap the kid and why he, y'know, isn't building weapons in the private sector or something...I mean, he literally has created murder toys capable of some extraordinary things, so...shouldn't he be lead scientist for some super secret military project?

Well, we seem to be entering the final act of this turd.  Sarah has tracked her kidnapped son to Joe Petto's toy store and found a photo of her and her son with a knife through the sons visage.  Real Dad is fighting a toy plane which...I don't feel is all that difficult.  Typing around a very determined cat is, however, which is what I'm currently attempting to do.

Sarah, honey, you're attempting to sneak around.  Ditch the high heels.

Oh, hell.  I was right.  Pino is a goddam robot.  He apparently has some weird abuse problems and killed Joe, because that's a thing.  Sarah seems more weirded out by the fact that Pino isn't anatomically correct than a goddam robot...and, uh, Pino....

Oh, for fuck's sake, movie.  Pino is dry humping her while shouting "I love you, Mommy" and I'm thoroughly sickened.  I needed inept puppet-man rape like I needed an asshole on my elbow. Vile stuff, movie.  Very low.  Kind of worth it to watch Sarah stomp through his head with her high heel, though.  But, uh, not really.  You're disgusting, movie.

Final Thoughts: Other than some hilariously bad killer toy stuff and some absurd 90's fashion, this was a repugnant pile of garbage.  I liked Jane Higginson well enough, mostly 'cause she was pretty and an okay actress but...I mean, attempted rape-by-puppet isn't creepy for any good or entertaining reason, it's creepy in a "need psychiatric care" kind of way.

Final Rating: 1 and a Half Star(the half for Higginson).  I'd forgotten how vile some early 90's horror flicks could be.  Thanks for reminding me, Movie.  Now let us never speak of it again.