Movie 108: Silent Night, Deadly Night

Starring: Robert Brian Wilson, Lilyan Chauvin, Gilmer McCormick, Toni Nero, Linnea Quigley.

Director: Charles E. Sellier, Jr.

So, I failed to mention it during my write-up on Krampus but it's obviously the holiday season is upon us, so I'm celebrating here on "My Year of Horror" with good (well, terrible) ole' fashioned holiday horror movies.  While Krampus was technically the start, this is the official beginning of my holiday movie run through...and you're invited to join me.  And because I'm in the spirit of sharing indicative of the season, I'll watch this shit so you don't have to!  Merry Christmas!

So, Silent Night, Deadly Night.  This is happening.  Hoo, boy.  I think I'm biting off more than I can chew.  Feel like my family will be coming to visit ME in the Utah Mental Institute instead of the Grandpa in this film.  Little Billy will be asking "Why doesn't he say something, Mom?" and she'll gravely reply: "Horror movies, Billy.  He watched Silent Night, Deadly Night." 

I can't wait to get old and tell kids that Santa will punish them, and ramble on insanely.  Sounds like fun.  But, seriously, though: that whole thing is really insane.  And considering what's coming(like a robber dressed as Santa straight-up murdering a convenience store clerk for $31, shooting a Father and raping and murdering a Mother) very convenient.  No wonder Billy is gonna flip his goddam lid.

"Mommy, were you ever bad when you were younger?"
"Oh, once or twice."
"Did Santa ever punish you?"
I then quipped "No, instead I had you and was forced to settle for your Father."

Well, one rape-murder sequence later and we're at an orphanage, and our second actor playing Billy.  Obviously, because this movie needs to build to an obvious mental break, the Nuns basically don't bother with any of that Psychological Counseling and Mental Health nonsense and go straight to good ole' fashion child abuse to make sure Billy is SURE to be a pillar of well-adjusted adulthood.  Well, okay, one of the Nuns is interested in trying to help but...well, leave it to the Catholics to end up creating a budding psychopath.

You don't see much nipple rubbing in on-screen sex scenes.  Well, you don't see a lot of sex scenes at an orphanage, either...or Mother Superior beating the offenders with a belt...which is a weird thing for a pair of young adults to allow.  I feel like I could have gotten past her if I were that dude.  Not that the movie is going to tell me who those people were or why they were having sex in an orphanage.  Instead, Mother Superior will beat Billy with a belt(and tie him to the bed), too: but not before making sure Billy equates sex with punishment.  So, not only a psychopath but a psychopath with weird sexual hang-ups as well.  Nice work.

Mother Superior: "Now we'll have no more trouble with him.  We'll see my methods work."

Me: "Okay, Mother, tell you what: if he DOESN'T go on a killing spree before he's Twenty-One, I owe you a coke."

This movie is absolutely batshit: despite Mother Superior knowing Billy has trauma involving Santa Claus, she FORCES HIM TO SIT ON SANTA'S LAP.  Nuts.  But none of that compares to the awesome montage of Billy(now 18 and quite strapping), working at a toy store as a perfect employee while some Seventies Christmas Song playing over it...the song insists that it's always Christmas on the wrong side of the door.  I don't even know what that means.  But it's a fantastic montage.  It's 1984 madness.

Really, this is crazy: this movie exists in a world that seems solely poised on ruining the life of a single human being.  Every single person-save this stock girl who is kinda into the nutcase-is just a total horrible person to this kid.  Gotta hand it to the movie, though: sympathetic backstories(and origin stories in general) of psycho killers are kind of in nowadays, so this was kind of ahead of it's time.  Luckily I think we've gotten better at it (well, mostly?) since then.

I want to be a department store santa so I can growl "I don't bring toys to naughty children.  I punish them.  Severely."  Before there was a Bad Santa there was Billy.  Not that I would really say horrible things to children as Santa(I'm too short to play Santa anyway), I WOULD love to work for a guy who locks the store and yells "It's over!  Time to get SHITFACED" and starts pouring booze for his employees.  Better yet, I want to BE that employer.

Just so you're aware, gentle reader: this movie is impossible to analyze.  Basically, it's crap anyway.  Pointless exploitation, really.  So all I can do is...react to it here.

Billy is amassing a pretty decent body count in a short period of time, I'll say that.  Kind of impressive.  Like, four people in less than ten minutes, one of them with a Christmas bow and arrow...which seems like a thing a toy store would have.  But, anyway, he's off to spread more holiday cheer with an axe and hopefully spout more Christmas related one-liners as he goes.

I will say that the "impaling a Woman on the antlers of a mounted stag head" was actually pretty good.  Needlessly exploitive, but pretty good.  Billy takes more of a beating than the usual superhuman serial killers, too...he's totally fine with it, but it's kind of a slasher movie rarity pre-Scream.

"Have you been good this year?"
"Yes, Santa Claus."

Me: "Well, then, good.  That settles that, then."

It's even funnier when you see him give her a bloody box cutter.  Ho, ho, ho, Merry Christmas, kid!

Okay, I legitimately love the cops busting in on the guy dressed as Santa who was climbing into a window to surprise his Daughter.  That was genuinely a piece of entertaining work.

The police apparently couldn't find a pillow or blanket for a friggin' Nun.  This really is the "Bag o' Dicks Universe."  I wonder what number that is in the Marvel Multiverse.

I feel like a bad person for laughing when they reveal that the evil Santa they killed outside of the orphanage was the seventy-year old Priest trying to make the kids happy.  He didn't respond to the orders to stop because he was deaf.  I mean..."Holy Shit" has never felt more fitting.  The world of this movie is so utterly insane.

Billy faces down Mother Superior, whose only attempt to get Billy to stop is repeating that there isn't a Santa Claus.  Might have gotten further with a "Say, Billy, sorry about the years of abuse thing."  Mother Superior is the real villain of this film.

Final Thoughts: Uh...well, it's basically just an exploitation film designed with nothing more than "Hey, what if a serial killer was dressed as Santa" motivation.  Nudity and violence and...very little plot.  I don't think anybody really gives a bad performance or anything, though: it's not that the movie is hard to buy into on a conceptual level.  Maybe there's a deep seated brilliance in it's simplicity.  Or maybe I'm being generous.  Tis the season!

Final Rating: Two Stars.  Seen worse.