Starring: Jane Higginson, Tracy Fraim, Brian Bremer, William Thorne, Neith Hunter, Clint Howard(again?) and Mickey Rooney(?!)
Director: Martin Kitrosser.
So, Mickey Rooney is playing a guy name Joe Petto. This is almost enough for me to just throw this in the trash and do anything else. But, I'm a professional. Well, okay, rank amateur. Committed to this project, at any rate.
I actually don't think I've seen this! I thought I had seen all of these at some point before but none of this is ringing a bell at all.
Kid opens door, finds gift, Dad (sporting a pimping necklace) gets mad and sends the kid to bed. Dad opens gift, finds toy that switches from Christmas music to a Funeral Dirge...and then it totally grabs his face and kills him in slow motion why son watches. Okay, maybe there's some fun to be had here? Maybe?
We have Screaming Mad George back, and Yuzna is given a writing and producer credit...and a couple of those cast members were in Initiation so...now I'm torn between cautious optimism and existential dread.
Two weeks later and Mom and the Kid are moving on with their life...even though the killer toy is, uh, on the shelf in the kids room(what?)...anyway, it seems like the kid might be unable to speak now. But, really Mom, what the hell are you doing talking to him while he's watching "G.I.Joe?!" Have some respect. I kind of burst into hysterical laughter when Mom tells Kim (apparently entirely recovered from her epic battle against mostly ineffective witches and Clint Howard) that The Doctor told her "not to worry" that her son can't talk now: "It's perfectly natural for a kid to stop speaking after a traumatic event and that it's probably temporary." It's the "perfectly" and "probably" that really get me. Anyway, Mom's early nineties oversized sweater, waist-level oversized belt, conservative bun hairstyle and ankle length skirt (the sweater and skirt are earth-toned) is absolutely gorgeous. It's very 90's but...I find that style to be so amazingly sexy. I'm not being sarcastic, either: I just love it. Doesn't hurt that actress Jane Higginson is a classic beauty: big dark eyes, shiny smile and dark hair. I kind of love her.
Dude. So gorgeous.
Apparently, Joe Petto runs the local toy store with his creepy weirdo son. Rooney just had an amazing line read, though, growling: "I. Oughta. Break. You. IN. HALF!" to creepy son. Good stuff there, Mickey. I loved you in The Simpsons.
I'm glad we had a whole scene of an angry motel owner trying to evict some guy who seems to be investigating the death of Mom's Husband...and buying the guy off with a Toy of a weird worm like thing from Initiation and...man, I'm in over my head here. That scene literally only happened to increase the films body count, because the motel owner is about the die from the toy. It crawls into his mouth while the guy is driving and, while it's fun to see the actor struggle with a plastic toy...well, okay, it just ate the guys eyes before he crashed and died in an explosion. Wow. Okay, then.
Mom is always interrupting this kid when he's doing rad stuff. First during G.I. Joe and now when he's jamming out to music or his speak-and-spell or whatever it is he was doing with his headphones. By the way, Mom is rocking a denim jacket(with the sleeves rolled up, guys) and Mom jeans. Still very hot. I don't mean to come off as male-gaze guy when I do these, so I hope nobody sees my commentary on the attractiveness of stars come across that way. I actually happen to think there are a plethora of beautiful actresses in these old horror flicks and I just like to recognize them as such.
Anyway, still a movie going on. Sorta. There's a scene with the guy from the motel as a Santa Claus who doesn't manage to give any specific warnings, just paws at the kid yelling "don't go!" over and over again. Then Mom(Sarah) goes home, takes out some garbage, gets worried about the kid, runs up and is shocked as Joe Petto's creepy son(Pino, because...jesus, is he gonna turn out to be a living doll? Good lord, movie, please don't) bursts out of the closet and runs away...then she yells at Joe about it.
By the way, Clint Howard is not reprising his role from the previous film, but it appears Neith Hunter is(or is playing a character of the same name) and...now I can't focus on anything but the idea that Pino is going to be a living doll robot or some shit. Even Sarah wearing the most hideous, brightly colored robe I've ever seen can't dissaude me from that terrible, all-encompassing thought.
Even the most early nineties kid I've ever seen-purple wind-breaker, oversized backwards hat, parachute pants and roller blades-being thrown into traffic but those rollerblades turned ever...and then having the most over-the-top bandages ever, cannot save me. I now just KNOW Pino is gonna be a living doll creature.
I think this long-haired goof is supposed to be the hero of this film and, as such, he should probably refrain from showing up at the homes of children saying "Hey, I wanna be your friend" and then offering them wrapped gifts saying "very special present for a very special boy." Not, uh, very heroic. He also probably shouldn't chase Sarah-who he is now making out with?-through a parking garage. This plot twist of Sarah and the guy making out...not sure what to make of that.
Oh, the guy is the kid's biological father. So, Merry Christmas, kid! The man you knew as your Father is dead but you get a brand new one! Assuming he lives, of course.
Oh, this might be the grossest sex scene ever...made only slightly better by the killer toys(including a T-Rex!) creeping towards the young couple. The guy asking her to lick his earlobe just seems sad. The toys had a pretty solid game plan here, though, I'll give them that. I do wonder why Joe Petto dressed as Santa to kidnap the kid and why he, y'know, isn't building weapons in the private sector or something...I mean, he literally has created murder toys capable of some extraordinary things, so...shouldn't he be lead scientist for some super secret military project?
Well, we seem to be entering the final act of this turd. Sarah has tracked her kidnapped son to Joe Petto's toy store and found a photo of her and her son with a knife through the sons visage. Real Dad is fighting a toy plane which...I don't feel is all that difficult. Typing around a very determined cat is, however, which is what I'm currently attempting to do.
Sarah, honey, you're attempting to sneak around. Ditch the high heels.
Oh, hell. I was right. Pino is a goddam robot. He apparently has some weird abuse problems and killed Joe, because that's a thing. Sarah seems more weirded out by the fact that Pino isn't anatomically correct than a goddam robot...and, uh, Pino....
Oh, for fuck's sake, movie. Pino is dry humping her while shouting "I love you, Mommy" and I'm thoroughly sickened. I needed inept puppet-man rape like I needed an asshole on my elbow. Vile stuff, movie. Very low. Kind of worth it to watch Sarah stomp through his head with her high heel, though. But, uh, not really. You're disgusting, movie.
Final Thoughts: Other than some hilariously bad killer toy stuff and some absurd 90's fashion, this was a repugnant pile of garbage. I liked Jane Higginson well enough, mostly 'cause she was pretty and an okay actress but...I mean, attempted rape-by-puppet isn't creepy for any good or entertaining reason, it's creepy in a "need psychiatric care" kind of way.
Final Rating: 1 and a Half Star(the half for Higginson). I'd forgotten how vile some early 90's horror flicks could be. Thanks for reminding me, Movie. Now let us never speak of it again.
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