Starring: Neith Hunter, Maud Adams, Clint Howard, Tommy Hinkley, Allyce Beasley, Marjean Holden, Jeanne Bates, Reggie Bannister, Laurel Lockhart.
Director: Brian Yuzna.
Clint Howard! I remember when MTV gave that guy the lifetime achievement award during their movie awards farce or whatever. Loved him in Tango & Cash. Anyway, pretty sure this is the SNDN movie that has the voodoo or whatever(witchcraft? Guess I'll find out.). Originally, or so I've read, it was supposed to be an original horror film that they added the SNDN name for marketing reasons. Hard to understand why, considering that this was directed by Brian Yuzna(Society, Bride of Re-Animator) and has visual effects by Screaming Mad George, who was responsible for the kick-ass visuals of Society and the famous Cockroach Death of A Nightmare on Elm Street Part 4: The Dream Master.
I do respect a movie that begins with a homeless Clint Howard eating a bug covered hamburger and watching a Woman spontaneously burst into flames and fall off a roof. Of course, this runs into an on-the-nose but definitely frustrating sequences of a female Classified ads worker trying to get the story for the paper...and being passed over because she's a Woman. Gender discrimination is a terrible thing, and is always frustrating to see. But altogether too true. After a crack or two by some geek about "how hard she works" (which is a reference to her dating one of the male reporters, because guys are terrible), she takes it upon herself to go investigate. You go reporter girl whose name I don't think has been established! Oh, it's Kim. Okay.
Not sure I'd trust a Woman named Fima. That name just screams dark sorceress or something. Especially when she hands in a book "Initiation of the Virgin Goddess." I think that oughta be the autobiography of Lady Gaga or something. Fima then invites Kim to a picnic, kisses her and Kim is...not the least put off. Hey, they are in L.A. She IS freaked out by Clint Howard pulling some weird worm thingy out of a pipe, though...and is pretty squicked by the roaches in her apartment. So: bugs bad, kisses from strangers are okay.
Brian Yuzna does have a way with weird social situations: Kim meets her reporter boyfriends family. The Father is, of course, a big gigantic asshole: he balks at Kims jewish faith, informs her that a Woman's place is in the home, was made from the rib of Adam and all that bullshit. Before that, though, was just this weird awkwardness and Stepford Wives-like suburban surreality. Kim does stands up to her Boyfriend in the movies' first awesome moment: She admonished him for jumping on her like a Dog in heat, tells him off for taking the story from her, informs him that she's just as good as he is and is going to do whatever she wants to do and throws some F-bombs out at him before driving away. I just became a big fan of this character in about thirty seconds of screentime.
Tuzna does it again, too: she goes to the picnic with a group of Women who basically scream "We're not witches and had absolutely nothing to do with the dead woman your investigating." The picnic has a lot of soft light and attempts to appear like a perfectly normal interaction but has that subtle(well, okay, not that subtle) surrealistic weirdness to everything. Seems to be Yuzna trait: there was tons of that in Society but that film was, y'know, way better. This movie is kinda dull and, while it's deep in feminism mode(which I totally respect), doesn't offer up much else for characterization. Light on scares, too: basically all there is Clint Howard being weird and maybe an exceptionally large (but not, like, gigantic...size of a rat, maybe, still totally killable) Roach.
Look out, Kim, Fima drugged your tea! Hopefully this will allow Yuzna and Screaming Mad George to throw out some really weird shit to help liven this thing up a bit.
Nah. Sure, her drug trip was suitably trippy, but not nearly as visually interesting as it should have been. Screaming Mad creates another big bug, which could definitely be freaky for another viewer but I need more than that. Clint Howard grinning and holding a rat over her mostly seems silly more than anything else...and the ensuing chase as Kim flees the coven doesn't create too much urgency.
Well, the creepiest scene in the scene just now occurred: Kim is acting nutty and starts to have sex with her boyfriend. Clint Howard shows up, sits down on the bed and sees part of Silent Night, Deadly Night 3 on the TV and giggles about a Santa Claus killer...the idea of Clint Howard being in the room while I have sex is the scariest thing this film has offered yet. The whole scene is really weird and comes out of left field, though: Howard's presence seems to snap her out of her madness, even as Howard begs her to come with him...and then he beats up and starts stabbing her boyfriend. It's really odd.
Her buddy Janice is on it...saw that coming. Anyway, for whatever reason, the appearance of Janice just causes Kim to basically give up and go quietly...? This movie really doesn't make a lot of sense. None of this works very well at all.
Oh, man, is the witches evil plan to have Clint Howard have sex with Kim? Eww. While wearing a phallic mask? Well, that just killed everything for me. This movie is really terrible....oh, wait, okay, there we go: hands and legs and shit merging together is more like it. No reason to bring Screaming Mad George into this unless you're gonna do weird body horror, so at least they're doing that now. It doesn't last long, and it seems like Kim got better pretty quick. Apparently, Kim is now "initiated." So, uh, okay then. Good for Kim?
Yikes. Kim is super whiny now. The Witches finally inform her of the plot: apparently the woman who jumped was Fima's daughter. The Witches initiate her into the coven (without, uh, just asking her to join?) with all this weird shit. Now they want her to grab her Boyfriend's kid brother for some vague "your fear needs a life" nonsense...I kind of just want this movie to end.
Kim's character just has no consistency! One minute she's whining out lines like she's five years old, the next she's smacking assholes in the face (and that nerdy guy totally had it coming), slapping drinks out of her friends hand and totally just ditching Clint Howard. Can we stick with the latter version?
These witches kinda suck. Just, they're bad at this. Kim kidnaps the kid because, apparently, she'll burst into flames if she doesn't...but then, Kim refuses to do the deep, stabs Fima (which isn't super effective, by the way) and then Fima stabs Clint Howard because he suddenly has an issue with them killing Kim? What? Hands are merging together, Fima says "but you ARE me" and Kim lights Fima on fire...and....now Kim is the Queen of the Coven or?...know what, I give up.
Final Thoughts: Ugh. Never thought I'd miss Killer Santa as a story device.
Final Rating: 2 stars for Screaming Mad George's stuff, I guess?
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