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| This. Is. Happening. |
Director:Peter Manoogian.
I knew when I started this blog that a run-in with Charles Band's twisted funhouse of batshit garbage known as Full Moon Pictures was inevitable. It's been a blissful ride avoiding that dreaded hole of bad taste but, given that I'm short on time today and the Demonic Toys series are have blessedly short running times, this is getting done.
So, fun fact: this movie is written by David S. Goyer, now known as the primary screenwriter for the DC comics movie universe. The guy wrote Christopher Nolan's Batman trilogy. Just goes to show either A)You never know who is gonna get famous or B)what famous screenwriter was never good in the first place. Guess it depends on your point of view.
So, Demonic Toys. I don't know how much I'm realistically going to be able to write on this "film" because...well, there's only so many ways I could write "This is terrible" and still remain even remotely readable.
In what might be my favorite combination of cop cliches ever: Detective Tracy Scoggins tells her boyfriend/partner she's pregnant, and then they have a deeply complicated and well planned out sting operation (two cops, without backup or anything, wander up to two gun runners-selling knock-off guns?-and yell "You're under arrest") the boyfriend gets killed (He may as well have said it was three days to retirement, too) so she chases the guys into a warehouse that apparently is where a child version of The Devil lives with his...cheaply made evil toys...and...I mean, what the hell? How did David S. Goyer manage to not hang himself?
"Maybe I won't come back. Maybe I'll drive your fucking chicken van into a river" might be one of my favorite threats of quitting a job I've ever heard. The "bad-ass Chicken place worker" is a character archetype we don't see enough of, really...and, even though I'm joking, it's actually kinda rad. I actually have always sort of had a soft spot for the way the horror genre has approached blue collar workers: fast food types are usually geeky weirdos and their managers weird Jeffery Dahmer types, and security guards are lazy drunks who sit in an office all night. It's usually not a flattering portrayal, but it's frequently a nice source of bad comedy and/or characterization,
Other than the fact that they have no articulation besides their mouths...the puppets aren't so bad. I mean, they have very little credibility given that there really is no way any of them could be effective killing machines. Except maybe the robot, who has guns. I actually have always had a little soft-spot for the shrieking laughing jack-in-the-box one. Most of them are pretty decent ideas, actually, they just didn't have the resources to make it work.
I had completely forgotten about the kids riding the tricycles with gas masks. They aren't so bad, either, as a basic image...I also forgot that there was basically full-front nudity.
The flashback of how the demon got stuck in a toy factory might be one of my favorite things ever: they deliver a still-born Demon, are perfectly okay with this being devil-worshippers,and so they give the corpse to a trio of trick or treaters (who are perfectly okay with not being given candy) who take it to a construction site, finally look at what they were given, and then throw it away...hilarity.
Actually, whoever the kid is that plays the demon...he does a pretty good job.
More movies need to have their expository characters just pop out of a vent and then get killed ten minutes later.
I just can't get over the fact that this film was written by David S. Goyer. I'm not knocking him for it: I've often thought of the idea of trying to write something for Full Moon or Troma just to get my name on something. Everybody starts someplace, after all, and I've always said "A Job's a job," But it must lose him a lot of writer's room conversations, you know? "Hey, guys, I really think we should do this." "Oh, yeah, David? You learn those instincts from making Demonic Toys?" Do you think every Christmas some jerk sends him a cheap Monster-Jack-In-The-Box just to mess with him? Does anyone know his address so I can send him one?
Ladies, if there's ever a battle for your womb (I mean a metaphysical one between good and evil spirits, not the one that is actually happening between the GOP and Planned Parenthood, 'cause there's nothing funny about that) just reject both sides. Because even the good spirit is trying to hijack your womb. I don't buy that toy soldier versions story of "being your real son," I think it's just another friggin' spirit trying to take a body. I mean, how does the unborn soul of a baby take out a demon who is extremely old and mostly/kinda/sorta powerful?
Final Thoughts: That wasn't as painful as I thought it was going to be. Granted, it had been quite a long time since I'd seen it and, luckily, my memory made it worse than it actually was. It's by no means a good movie, but it had some kinda bright spots: the kid was well acted, some of the supernatural shenanigans were good ideas that they couldn't quite make work...so yeah, it didn't make me want to pull my eyes out. I'm sure the rest of this franchise will not be nearly as kind.
Final Rating: Two Stars.
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