Starring: Stephen Cloud, Brandy Little, Amy Jo Hearron, Amy Morris, Matt Moore, Scott Barrett, Camille Chen.
Director: Jon Keeyes.
This doesn't look promising. But we're rolling right along with Halloween stuff and if you're gonna make an Omelet...
How many movies begin with a cult of hooded figures chanting? I feel like it happens a lot. More than it certainly should. It always ends the same way, too: the cultists get themselves murdered by whatever dark force they were trying to drudge up. You'd think they'd just cut that shit out.
Wow, these production values are leaving something to be desired...so does the script. That was a lot of random exposition: joining a fraternity, straight A's, midterm project, current girlfriend and ex-girlfriend at the same place...head of frat is a dick and dating ex-girlfriend and is super possessive and we're making a haunted house for charity, which is apparently being run by said dick because...? Okay, whatever. Moving on.
Never before have I seen so little joy in making a haunted house for charity.
So, we have an old bearded man who is the self-proclaimed "Santa Claus of Halloween" but, uh, he apparently doesn't warrant a close-up so we know who the hell he is or what he looks like. Apparently his job is buying junk and "selling it to the highest bidder." Among his possessions: an ancient spellbook that one of the girls (she's one of the two blondes) is fully educated in her understanding of the book, which creeps out other girls, so Pumpkin Jack says he oughta take it because it "sounds dangerous." Oh, Pumpkin Jack, I don't know why you're here and what your purpose is (the book could have just been there and actually made more sense), but...thank you for exiting in a timely fashion.
Wow, okay, that's out of left field! The Ex-Girlfriend/Current Girlfriend of the dickhead is apparently totally sleeping with the hippy chick! Thank you, movie! Progressive! It's then made kinda fun when current girlfriend-I don't even know if these characters actually HAVE names-accuses main character of "looking at Jill." Jill, has a name, and is apparently VERY in demand and also a lesbian.
...this movie is terrible. They are having the worst party ever, they're gonna go to another "party" and Dan the Dick is trying to punch everybody...and two kids are gonna have sex on a twin bed. God, I have this feeling that this one is going to hurt. A lot.
This dialogue is about as natural as CGI Porn. Yikes.
I wish I were getting drunk while watching this. Might help.
I'm not the type of guy to get all excited by Nude Lesbians because, y'know, I'm over seventeen and not a shit head. But, given that this movie is a pile of garbage...well, this is easily the most interesting thing to happen in this movie so I'm just going to enjoy it while it lasts.
Every once in awhile a movie comes along that presents characters so wholly unbelievable that there is absolutely no way the universe could actually survive. Dan The Dick is SO unbelievably terrible that no matter what ghost shenanigans actually occur in this film (and it really needs to happen soon, its been, like, half an hour of poor relationship drama and putting up decorations) it will still be more believable than people actually putting up with his asshattery.
So, wait, why is Jill the happy Lesbian still with Dan The Dick at all? Doesn't make sense. And is the movie trying to make me hope she ends up with the main character? What the hell is going on?
Oh my god will a ghost attack or something?! It's very nice that these characters apparently have some sort of personal drama with each other or whatever and they put on a nice looking haunted house. Hooray. Now can we get a monster to fucking eat someone?
Actually, that scary-house bit (tour guide says vampire is in the coffin, opens it slowly, vamp is missing and jumps out behind them) was a pretty good one. I'd use it if I made a scary house, which I'd love to do someday. I mean, I don't know why I'm watching it on film...not to mention the rest of the damn tour...but it's a clever idea.
Seriously, why am I sitting here watching other people take a tour of a haunted house created by fictional characters? Why am I watching relationship dramas? Why hasn't a single supernatural creature done anything? So many whys.
Wow, Jill gets punched in the face by her shitty boyfriend and...current girlfriend just does not give a shit. What kind of universe are we in here? I mean, she actually even seems irritated and jealous that her boyfriend does care.
Okay, finally, monsters. They look crappy and are under horrible lighting, but at least they're finally around. Looks like we're already down to three characters-the blonde lesbian was disappointingly killed off already-and it's all very dumb. Some music could make some of these fight scenes a little more exciting maybe? Or, y'know, anything at all?
Well, Jill is trying to save the life of her Lesbian lover Kyra. So maybe she ain't dead. Oh, well, she's apparently a Vampire or whatever. I do wonder what the odds are of her condition being reversed later in the film. That would have required someone to write something, though, so I'm not going to get my hopes up.
I find myself hoping that the actors are really hitting each other. I just want them to feel pain.
Wait, the girlfriend is the villain? Because she'll get power? How does turning a bunch of idiots into shitty monsters equate to conquering the world or whatever? Apparently the power doesn't involve acting well...her performance choice to convey the usual manic horror movie villain is apparently "seizure."
Tom is offered "prove loyalty to evil, all-powerful girlfriend by murdering Dan The Dick" and apparently is going to refuse. I would be all on board. Super evil powerful girlfriend is rad, and Dan The Dick is a huge asshole. But by resisting it causes the monsters to turn on their creator? Why? That's really not extraordinary power at all...
Poor Kyra. You kinda resisted and saved the day but you didn't make it out. That's at least better than random monster.
Pumpkin Jack is actually the overall villain? And he just takes the book and wanders off laughing like a maniac...and then he gives the book to Jill to resurrect Kyra and...oh, to hell with this. Shut up movie.
Final Thoughts: It sucks.
Final Rating: One Star.
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