Starring: Edward Albert, Susan George, Doug McClure, Amy Barrett, Mako Hattori.
Director: Kevin Connor.
It's a movie about a Samurai ghost. The question isn't why I'm watching it, it's why haven't I ALREADY watched it? Seriously, I've never even heard of this and that seems like some sort of sin against man and God alike.
We open in feudal Japan where a guy and girl have apparently gotten busy-well, she gave him a little statue and played him some music, which I assume is basically the same as sex in that particular time and place-and a Samurai comes home and is super pissed that this action occurred. Oh, wait, spoke too soon: NOW they're getting it on, and the Samurai is seeing it all...and is swinging his sword for the fences.
The Samurai just disarmed the guy. You can't see it, but that's a pun. He dis-armed him. Get it?
...he cut the guys arm off is what I'm saying.
In all seriousness, the scene is actually rather well constructed if not a little overly stylized. Lots of slow motion, a weird echo effect of the Woman's screams, swords swinging and pretty decent looking limb removal stuff. Good latex stuff. We don't get that kind of beheading these days, really, which is kinda tragic. It looks a little fake-because, you know, it is-but it still has this raw effect that you can't match with CGI. It's a good scene. I also like the setting alteration: it's a pretty standard scene: guy and girl have affair, Husband murders them and then commits suicide. But taking that standard scene and placing it in another time and place not only gives it a fresh-seeming take, but also makes something of a statement about people having always been people. These types of things happen today, and they happened yesterday, too. It's an interesting point of view.
The hair and makeup styles are very seventies. Like, in a big way.
"Don't worry, honey, modern ghosts are friendly ghosts." When was that established, dude? Clearly you haven't been watching the same movies I have. It IS nice to see a film about Americans going to another country who actually have respect and admiration for the culture and aren't huge assholes about it. They actually seem like a nice, charming little family. The friend who set them up with the place seems awfully nice, too. It is a beautiful little house. See, I've been saying this for awhile: sympathetic characters are the key to horror. If I don't care about the characters, there's very little chance I can put myself in their shoes and feel any sort of fear,
Hey, those ghost effects are old-school. It's like Return Of The Jedi all of a sudden. How much would it suck to find out your spouse is cheating on you, kill them and their love, kill yourself and end up spending eternity haunting the house together? I think every single part of that really sucks.
They were not afraid of the boobs back in the day. This film has been on for twenty minutes (if that) and we've seen two sets of breasts. I'm actually having trouble remembering a modern horror film that actually showed boobs. There's gotta be some, it's just occurring to me that it's a trope we don't get much of any more. That isn't necessarily a bad thing: times are changing, the roles of Women and how we perceive that especially, and it's a probably a good thing we don't flaunt the Female form in that way as much anymore. Not that this movie hasn't handled it fairly tastefully or anything, but less objectification is a good thing. Did all that make sense? I think I took the long way around to say "breast shots objectified Women and it's good we don't do that as much anymore."
Possession time. See, that's a plot I can find some sort of sympathy or dread for: nice people who all care about each other are possessed by ghosts who are going to cause them not only to eventually kill, but also hurt and break each others hearts. That being said, the ghosts are actually kinda silly. Watching the female ghost demurely walk to a table, flip over a casserole dish and then scuttle away is kinda ridiculous. I feel like another effect could have been chosen to signify the possession than see them literally walking in and out of people.
I'm not sure the ghost is doing all the work here, though: The Wife and Best Friend might actually have kind of had a thing for each other already, and the Husband may have kind of a thing for Japanese Women. This might get kinda rough and sad?
Why are you lunging at the ghost, dude? What is this, a Bug Bunny Cartoon? I do like riffing about it to myself, especially when all three ghosts appear. I imagined them all laughing at him.
Well, ghost woman was certainly no saint: no matter utterly terrifying that old witch woman was, she probably didn't deserve getting jabbed in the eye.
Waiter, there's a weird screaming guy in my soup. I think I can safely say that that was my first ever soup-related possession moment ever. It's not as terrifying as you might think: if the worst thing the ghost is ready to perform is making a guy force his Daughter to eat soup they might be okay. I can think of way worse things that could happen.
Actually, this film seems to have hit a wall. There's been no real follow up to the infidelity stuff, and the weirdest thing to happen has been soup related and a fight about money. Well, okay, we have another sex scene now but still...it's been a pretty lackluster second act. Not the best pacing I've ever seen.
I know I said I wanted something more to happen here, and I was fine with the crabs wandering around, that's actually kinda scary...but the big puppet crab thing is just silly. I mean, they even basically go "Oooooo,ooooooh" in ghost voices. This might be on my top ten silliest and most ridiculous scares I've ever encountered! Holy shit, way to jump the shark, movie. Bravo!
Holy shit.
This isn't turning out to be the great movie I thought it might. Oh, lord, it might even be a bad film.
Susan George...I want to like her performance, but...y'know, it just...isn't very good...her anger just looks like a tantrum.
Oh, good lord...the ghosts are doing some terribly pantomime work against green screens, and making weird grunting and moaning noises...this is getting really terrible. Ted opens the door and run in like they're getting out of a clown car, and then act like a raucous crowd at a boxing match as the men start fighting over Susan George. They look utterly ridiculous. Wow, this movie just fell apart.
Everybody was kung fu fighting, do do do do...those kicks were fast as light-ning....I feel like they just doped the cast up and told them run around the room like imbeciles. This is among the worst climaxes I've ever seen. It's actually pretty funny, though...I've laughed out loud like three times, especially at the most inappropriate times. I just said "oh ho ho ho shit!" when her cut the guys head off all of a sudden. I was not expecting that...I guess this movie is going wild bunch. The murder/suicide is re-enacted and the curse goes on. And the ghosts shimmy away.
Final Thoughts: Man...that kinda sucked. Unintentionally funny, though. I highly recommend it if you find yourself in need a good bad movie to throw jokes at.
Final Rating: One and a Half Stars.
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