Movie 37: Demonic Toys 2

Starring: Alli Kinzel, Lane Compton, Selene Luna, Elizabeth Bell, Michael Citrini, Leslie Jordan.

Director: William Butler.

So, because Full Moon Pictures likely will be the only thing to live forever besides Cockroaches, they went ahead and made yet another Demonic Toys entry.  It's fitting that the credits sequence is a gloved hand putting the blasted toys back together again with cheap stitching and model glue, because the franchise is certainly in the same boat, both literally and figuratively.  Pretty sure what little returns this series once commanded have diminished severely. 

The movie is off to a fifty/fifty start: on one hand, Leslie Jordan is mincing around and it's one of the best things ever. 

Wellll, Hai there....

On the other hand: I'm expected to believe that evil millionares have been fighting for years with billions of dollars in resources to obtain super rare toys?  Apparently, one has been found in a castle in italy (which looks like a suburb of L.A.) and a scarred billionare has arranged to go said castle and buy the ugly piece of trash from a cutie pie dealer.  So he shows up with his trophy wife and male model son...and a Dwarf Psychic.

I feel like the screenwriter has never actually met a Woman.  The "Daddy's wittle girl" sexy talk is particularly bizarre...I suppose there really are people who talk like that, but...I dunno, just seems moronic to me.  Not that any of the dialogue is sparkling.  Hearing a man who is obviously in his Thirties talk about living with his Step-Parents doesn't make a lot of sense, either.  

Alli Kinzel is dully charming.  She's pretty enough and wide-eyed...incredibly bland, but she has that basic charm.  She has nice hair and a nice smile...she looks like she smells nice.  

So, wait, the trophy wife and the driver are conspiring against the collector and are sleeping together, which is fine, but somehow they have an exact replica of this "ancient" doll?  But then there's Leslie Jordan, eating melted ice cream and muttering "Girls have all the luck" when told the Trophy Wife is sleeping with the driver.  Leslie Jordan is the only thing keeping me entertained: his bitching about being cold and hungry is keeping me smiling.

So the grad student/professor/realtor whatever is fine with everyone poking around the ancient house/castle/whatever...and performing a seance.  Okay, movie.

The dolls look terrible, their voices are basically incomprehensible...blood effects look wretched...the dolls somehow have even less articulation than in previous incarnations.  I wonder if Full Moon just destroyed the original dolls?  Not that the originals were particularly great.

Oh, Leslie Jordan: "You kids keep your hands to yourselves....heh, I crack muhself up!"  I can only hope that if I have the misfortune of getting old in this life I can be a little bitchy elderly man.

I'm almost certain that the Dwarf Actress is stoned.  Why is Full Moon obsessed with Dwarves anyway?

Bad CGI Bats! Run!  A fully illustrated "Exorcist Journal."  I'm not sure what the hell the plot of this movie actually is.  There are killer dolls, sure...but then the Psychic gets possessed?  There's a box in the basement than contains more demons?  

Leslie Jordan just put on pink pajamas...a little offensive, but Jordan makes it hil-arious.  Aww, the Toys got him.  I was hoping he'd be the hero.

While the actress is hamming it up, milky white contacts always make for creepy possession stuff  I can't make out much of her dialogue due to the terrible voice modulator effects...I assume she's possessed by the owner of the castle who was kinda evil or whatever?  Oh, snap, are we gonna get a Dwarf sexy dance?  Oh my god, we are.  Aww, not nearly as amazing as it should be.  I'm not sure the actress quite had the rhythm...well, the scene petered out anyway.  That could have been something.

Wow, nobody can hang onto a gun for more than a few seconds.  

Watching a man wrestle with and fear a baby doll might be among the saddest sights I've ever seen.  

So, wait, are the dolls not on the same side as the entity possessing the Psychic?  Wait, is the entity possessing the psychic NOT the main villain?  There's ANOTHER demon thingy?  I at least like that the male lead, undaunted by the appearance of some horrible hell beast thing, continues to murder the crap out of the evil dolls.  I mean, screw the hellbeast thing, there are dolls need smashing, right? 

Wait, what the shit just happened?  Evil hellbeast tears demon out of Psychic and...goes back to hell leaving the main characters safe and sound?  Did the exorcism box they established mean absolutely nothing?  How did this movie get funding?

Final Thoughts:  It's a turd.  Lead actress is charming in a dull sort of way, and Leslie Jordan sashays around and makes comments, but other than that it makes no sense and is really, really bad.

Final Rating One and a Half Stars.